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-   -   Things Captain Ratika is Not Allowed to Do (http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=257752)

Archived Post 02-27-2012 08:47 PM

Things Captain Ratika is Not Allowed to Do
 
Note: Yes this idea is shamelessly ripped off from "Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to Do". I admit it.

Sometimes, giving an untested Ensign control of a starship isn't a good idea. Captain Ratika Souju, Bajoran Engineer, proves why.

1) Strip Mining is a violation of the Prime Directive, no matter where I decide to do it.
2) Bolians are not toys.
3) Despite claims to the contrary, "Shoot First, Ask Questions Later" is not a viable diplomatic attitude.
4) I am no longer allowed into the same room as any Klingon diplomat, ever.
5) Not every Trill is joined, and even the ones who are don't necessarily like being called "Old Man".
6) I am not allowed to seduce the sons or daughters of any dignitary, leader, diplomat, ambassador, or other VIP that is currently being negotiated with by any party.
7) I am not allowed to distribute pamphlets promoting the Bajoran religion, since I do not practice it myself.
8) A "warm rock to lie on" is not considered a proper bribe for Cardassian or Gorn officials.
9) I am not allowed to bribe Cardassion or Gorn officials.
10) I am not allowed to dress my entire crew in red shirts and call them such.
11) 19th Century French commodore's hats are explicitly forbidden on any bridge I serve on.
12) I am not allowed to "tweak" the universal translators for any reason.
13) Starfleet Academy is not a viable landing zone.
14) Not every Orion is interested in pleasures of the flesh, especially not ones at the negotiating table.
15) Trill symbionts are not kosher.
16) The airlocks are not viable quarters.
17) The deflector dish is not a tanning bed.
18) I am no longer allowed to load any holodeck program involving the following figures: Professor Moriarty, Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, David Duchovny, Cher, Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caesar, Martin Luther, or any of the 1983 Denver Broncos.
19) I am not allowed to have holoemitters on the bridge or in my quarters.
20) I am not allowed to blame anything on my Mirror Universe duplicate. Mirror!Ratika was assimilated by the Borg, and thus would have no business stealing my crewmates' socks.
21) I am not allowed to use the transporter to move around my ship.
22) Phasers are not bug zappers.
23) I am not allowed to order my crew to strip naked whenever dealing with Ferengi dignitaries, even if it is considered proper for the women in Ferengi society to do so.
24) Breen are not snowmen.
25) I am not allowed to trade the names and addresses of Admirals for anything.
26) Caitians are not to be bribed with yarn.
27) Bat'leths are not backscratchers.
28) "Make the Vulcan Laugh" is not a productive use of mine or anyone's time.
29) Romulans take offense to being called "Evil Vulcans".
30) Ferengi teeth are not bottle openers.
31) I am not allowed to reprogram the replicators for any reason, even if I'm the only one qualified.
32) The Replicator is not a Starbucks.
33) He's not dead, Jim.
34) Vorta do not make good art critics.
35) No one on my crew has been replaced by a changeling, especially me.
36) Self Sealing Stem Bolts are not used for what I think they're used for.
37) Cardassians do not have tails and I am not allowed to check with any part of my body.
38) The warp core is not to be used as a bug zapper.
39) I am not allowed to call Jem'Hadar "Junkies".
40) I am not allowed to say anything about Changelings in the presence of any member of the Dominion.
41) I am not allowed to wear a fake beard in an effort to make things "edgier".
42) Ramming speed is only to be used as a last resort, not a first strike.

Archived Post 02-27-2012 08:53 PM

XD Awesome, this made my day.

Archived Post 02-28-2012 03:58 AM

Quote:

42) Ramming speed is only to be used as a last resort, not a first strike.
Unless you're stuck with a team of very small and low powered ships against a huge Borg Unimatrix and the fleet lacks the firepower to do more than poke a small hole in the shields of the monster mothership.

In which case...

BANZAI!!! :D

Archived Post 02-28-2012 10:43 AM

Pure awesome. Made me laugh during a crappy day at work.

Thanks!

Archived Post 02-28-2012 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kyuven (Post 4055201)
Note: Yes this idea is shamelessly ripped off from "Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to Do". I admit it.

15) Trill symbionts are not kosher.
26) Caitians are not to be bribed with yarn.
42) Ramming speed is only to be used as a last resort, not a first strike.


HAHAHAHAHA Good ones!

From the original list:
Quote:

21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
Oooh I just had an idea for a Foundry mission! :D

Archived Post 02-28-2012 11:23 AM

26b) or laser pointers
43) not allowed to talk to Q, I'd give him ideas.

Archived Post 02-28-2012 11:26 AM

lol very nice.

Archived Post 02-28-2012 03:01 PM

Ahhhh yes, the old Private Skippy list!

http://skippyslist.com/list/

Always good for a laugh! (WARNING! Adult humour!)

Archived Post 02-29-2012 01:11 AM

44) putting soft toys/pillows on your captain's chair is not a good idea.

Unless your ship is pink in colour and has cute anime emblems like this example.

That said, my first login chat line in my RP channel is *arranges victorian pillows on my captain's chair* :D



And that Skippy site is awesome!

Quote:

•“.50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles” cannot be purchased on the OPTAR. One must route a special request chit first.
•All special request chits require a written clarification as to why the item is desired.
•In order to ensure smooth transition of a special request chit, it is best to advice your chain of command verbally
before you attempt to order a $47,000 tank.
•Especially when you are a naval unit.
*submits Starfleet requisition form for Additional Orion Ladies*

Archived Post 02-29-2012 02:03 AM

44) If Q ever puts any Bajoran on trial, I am not allowed to represent them or myself.
45) Escape pods are not missiles.
46) I am not allowed to ask a Nausican anything about Japanese animated films from the 1980s.
47) Any situation involving myself and more than two Ferengi requires special permission from Starfleet.
48) I am not allowed near the Hupyrian homeworld. The reasons must never be spoken of in polite company.
49) Whenever dealing with Ferengi and/or Bajorans, I am required to clarify whether I refer to "profits" or "Prophets" each time I mention the word.
50) Starfleet cadets are not to be subjected to Spartan or Klingon training, even if I feel they "deserve to be taken down a peg".
51) I am no longer allowed to perform weddings for Klingons.
52) Changing the name of my ship does not absolve it of any assignments, commendations, or demerits issued to it.
53) I am no longer allowed to name my ships after internet memes.
54) Dumping a cargo hold full of tribbles on a planet is not allowed for any reason.
55) I am no longer allowed to hold tribbles up to Klingons and shout "THE POWER OF TRIBBLE COMPELS YOU!"
56) Tribbles are not torpedos, even if they are more efficient to produce.
57) I am no longer allowed to make jokes pertaining to the bathroom and my daily Captain's Log entries.
58) I have never been shot in the knee.
59) I am no longer allowed on planet Risa unless it explicitly ordered to do so for Starfleet business.
60) I am no longer allowed to consider any form of sport that involves the Borg.
61) Just because I add the name of a planet before the name of a food, doesn't necessarily mean it exists.
62) Starfleet issue phasers are not to be used for cooking s'mores.
63) I am not a pirate, and thus flying the Jolly Roger is in bad taste.
64) My ship does not have planks.
65) I am not allowed to hide behind my chair when an Admiral calls me.


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