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Archived Post 05-02-2012 01:44 PM

Broken Wings of Pegasus
 
My first mission!
It is currently under the "unrated" missions dialog, so you have to become a reviewer to find it.
FED, Level 16+. But I recommend Captain or above, some dialog may sound a little arkward if you are just a Lt. Cmdr. :)

A starbase going silent will lead you to the dark secrets of the Pegasus project.

A little teaser:
http://img824.imageshack.us/img824/1...2920550.th.jpg

I invested about 60 hours of work to convert one of my stories I wrote over 12 years ago into a foundry mission.
Play time is about 1 hour. Lots of text to read, but you can skip most of it.
Includes multiple quite easy space fights and some rather difficult ground fights, against romulans and remans, of course.

If you happen to find any typos, arkward sentences, bugs or any major plot holes I overlooked, please post it here.
I designed the mission for single player, it would be nice if somebody could test it as a team.
Also, I included a text popup at the end of the mission for background info, please tell me if it interferes with the rating dialog window.

Have fun!
And tell me what you like / do not like about the mission.


P.S: Errors I found but could not eliminate:
- Bad wayfinding of team members. They seem to get stuck everywhere!
- NPC Ships just "appear" instead of warping in. If I set the idle to "warp in" they loop the animation. Terrible.
- Teleports when using a door. Is there any way to change map transition animations?
- USS Pegasus has the wrong registry number. It's not customizeable in the costumes dialog.
- Some interactive objects (satellites, asteroids) are just called "object", no matter what name I gave them.
- Reach marker radius is a lot bigger on the minimap than I set them in the level. Hard to find the correct "spot".

P.S.S.:
Many thanks to kirkfat. Without his youtube foundry tutorial videos, this would not be possible.

Archived Post 05-05-2012 04:04 AM

Because I got a few mails about it:

To start the mission, after you talked to the contact you have to use the plant next to the fountain in ESD.
Check the logs, it's clearly stated in there. You can use the tricorder, too.

The problem is the mission text says "go to starbase 512".
I can't put it that in the mission text, or else the whole next mission would be called "use the plant" :D

Archived Post 05-05-2012 04:35 PM

Mission Critique Report (Part 1) - Broken Wings of Pegasus
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_Borg
Ah, I clearly overlooked this thread.
Well, if someone offers to review a mission in detail I won't say no.

So, this is my first foundry mission.

Mission Name: Broken Wings of Pegasus
Author: Crazy_Borg
Minimum Level: 16+ or above
Allegiance: FED
ST-HALK3TWBL
Estimated Mission Length: about an hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

I will appreciate any improvements you may have. I haven't played many other foundry missions before, so I don't know what has or has not been done before.
Please do your magic. :)

Federation Mission - Broken Wings of Pegasus
Author: Crazy_Borg
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HALK3TWBL

----------Report (Part 1) Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission overall with well designed maps and tough battles. There are several spelling and grammatical errors throughout much of the dialogue. I suspect most of those issues are caused by English not being your primary language. I have to say you are ahead of me as I can barely order beer in German :) Despite the issues below I would still recommend this mission as the overall story and map design make it worth playing. It is a long mission and does seem to start off a little slow but once it picks up it is taking you for a ride.

I noted the lower case spelling of most of the factions and races in the dialogue, for example “romulan” vice “Romulan” and so on. It is noted in several places below but I wanted you to understand it is spread throughout the dialogue. This is an issue that can be easily missed but can also be a distraction for the player. At least a player like me who likes to read the dialogue. ;) Consider going over the dialogue and making sure that you properly capitalize the factions and races within the mission.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an intriguing description and is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "near the romulan border" to read "near the Romulan border".
-Consider changing "before the romulans can make use" to read "before the Romulans can make use".

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Greetings, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "Greetings, [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "We know you have time at the moment, and your recent achievements left quite an impression" to read "We appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to take on this mission".
-Consider striking the line "You are the perfect person for this mission, [Nickname]".
-Consider changing "should some of this secrets surface" to read "should some secrets surface".
-Consider changing "A lot of heads would roll at Starfleet if certain information from that Starbase would uncover" to read "Let's just say that it would not be good for some highly placed officials in Starfleet if any of the information from that Starbase was made public".
-Consider striking the whole line that begins "And an internal scandal".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Grab the PADD hidden in the plant below[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]The PADD is hidden in the plant below. Good luck[/MissionInfo]".
-Consuder changing the response button "On my way" to read "I'm on my way".

Mission Task: The initial mission task should have the location of the NPC the player needs to talk to, or the location of the first custom map, including the sector block. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: The dialogue from my Tactical BOFF seems unprofessional for a Starfleet Officer. Consider shortening the entire dialogue to "Are you ready to beam up Captain".

MAPS:
Lapolis System: Starbase 512: This is a very intriguing map with a nice battle. The story is very interesting but the dialogue needs a lot of work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "And we have company" to read "We have company [Rank]".
-Consider striking the "Typical" and "They seem to plunder the place for valuables" lines.
-Conisder changing "We can't let them get any more intel or technologie from the debris field" to read "We cannot let them get away with anything they may have salvaged from the debris field".
-Consider changing "If they don't want to leave we have to engage them before we can investigate what is left of the station" to read "We need to prevent them from escaping".
-Consider changing the response button "If that is the only language they understand" to read "Red alert, shields up".
-The post "Scan the debris" dialogue; consider changing "Yepp, that is what's left of Starbase 512" to read "The debris is definitely from Starbase 512".
-Consider changing "Strangely, theses hull fragments also show no visible weapon damage" to read "This is strange. There are no visible indications of weapons damage on the hull fragments".
-Consider changing "No, their weapons are nowhere that powerful" to read "The Orion ships weapons were nowhere near powerful enough to have destroyed the station and a starship".
-Consider changing "of value like a ferengi at an all-you-can-eat-buffet" to read "of value like a Ferengi at an all-you-can-eat-buffet".
-The post "Scan the Satellite" dialogue; consider changing "but last ship entering the system" to read "but the last ship entering the system".
-Consider changing "or it used a fake transponder signal of the Esteban" to read "or the transponder signal was a fake".
-Consider changing "We've being hailed on a secure channel" to read "We're being hailed on a secure channel".
-Consider changing the response button "Put it in my office" to read "Patch it to my ready room".
-The "Admiral DeNyle" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], please report your findings" to read "[Rank] [LastName], please report your findings".
-Consider changing "for a secret federation cloak device" to read "for a secret Federation cloaking device"
-Consider changing "That cloak device was" to read "That cloaking device was".
-Consider changing "forbid the Federation to develop a cloak device to ensure peace with the romulans" to read "forbid the Federation from developing a cloaking device and ensure peace with the Romulans".
-Consider changing "Several high rank starfleet officers" to read "Several high ranking Starfleet officers".
-Consider changing "Look this cloak device was not a simple" to read "Look this cloaking device was not a simple".
-Consider changing "like standard klingon and romulan cloaks" to read "like standard Klingon or Romulan cloaking devices".
-Consider changing "so technical" to read "So technically".
-Consider changing "invisble to sensors and leaves no trace" to read "invisible to sensors, leaving no trace".
-Consider changing "The cloak device was integrated" to read "The cloaking device was integrated".
-Consider changing "Pressman ordered to prepare the device for a second test" to read "Pressman ordered the crew to prepare for a second test".
-Consider changing "When the first officer ordered to shut down the cloaking device" to read "When the first officer ordered the shutdown of the cloaking device".
-Consider changing "and the ship moved out of phase and rematerialised inside an asteroid" to read "and the ship moved out of phase, rematerializing inside an asteroid".
-Consider changing "sealed in the asteroid by the romulans" to read "sealed in the asteroid by the Romulans".
-Consider changing "Outside, Picard ordered to deactivate the cloak in front of the romulan warbird" to read "Outside, Picard ordered the cloak deactivated in front of the Romulan warbird".
-Consider changing "This event brought massively diplomatic issues with the romulans" to read "This caused a serious diplomatic situation with the Romulans". Throughout this mission so far I noted several instances where factions have not been capitalized. From this point forward I will no longer note this but will cover it in the summary above.
-Consider changing "Several high rank Starfleet behind the cloak device received court martial, including Pressman" to read "Several high ranking Starfleet officers involved in the incident received a court martial, including Pressman".
-Consider changing "No idea which one of it is the reality, but definitely the romulans don't have it" to read "Who knows which one is true, but one thing is for sure, the Romulans do not have it".
-Consider changing "but we are sure romulan spies catched some parts of it" to read "but we are sure Romulan spies caught some parts of it".
-Consider changing "His logs clearly states that there was a second cloaking device" to read "His logs clearly state that there was a second cloaking device".
-Consider changing the response button "And the romulans are trying to get it now." to read "So now the Romulans are trying to get that second device?" -Consider changing "but we thought it was useless and safe. But now both is wrong" to read "but we thought it was of no importance until the logs went public".
-Consider changing "is currently trying to cover his tracks, I presume" to read "is currently trying to cover their tracks.
-Consider changing the response button "What you want me to do" to read "What do you want me to do".
-Consider changing "There might be still time" to read "There might still be time".

---------End (Part 1) Report----------

Archived Post 05-05-2012 04:36 PM

Mission Critique Report (Part 2) - Broken Wings of Pegasus
 
Federation Mission - Broken Wings of Pegasus
Author: Crazy_Borg
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HALK3TWBL

----------Report (Part 2) Start-----------

Devolin System 01: This is a good map design with a nice battle. The story dialogue is well written but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; the use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-Consider changing “They sweep the area and have powered up their disruptors” to read “They conducted a sensor sweep and have powered their weapons”.
-Consider changing “There is a possibility that the romulans have no clue about our current mission and their presence here is just a coincidence” to read “There is a possibility that the Romulans have no idea we are here and their presence here is just a coincidence”.
-Consider changing “[Rank], it is important that the romulans won’t find the Pegasus first” to read “[Rank], we need to find the Pegasus before the Romulans”.
-Consider changing “We have to engage them before we start searching for the Pegasus” to read “We will need to remove the Romulan patrols before we can search the asteroids”.
-The post “Scan asteroid gamma” dialogue; consider changing “Stucked in solid rock, amazing” to read “Stuck in solid rock, amazing”.
-Consider changing “There is still some power left on the ship” to read “There are trace amounts of power throughout what remains of the ship”.

Pegasus Deck 4: This is a great map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "It seems some of the rocks in this asteroid interrupt with our equipment" to read "It seems something in the rocks of this asteroid interfere with our equipment".
-The post "Get to the computer core" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], it looks like" to read "[Rank] [LastName], it looks like".
-In the "Cargo Bay" there are several crates that are on top of each other and sticking out of each other.
-For the crate search consider setting them up like the asteroid search on the previous map where the player goes to one and dialogue pops up and says “Nothing in this one” or words to that effect. Then the player goes to the next crate and the next in a similar fashion.
-The post "Call ship" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], we just" to read "[Rank] [LastName], we just".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.

Devolin System 02: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The "Map Transfer" dialogue; consider changing "Ship is ready for emergency warp, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "Ship is ready for emergency warp, [Rank]".

Mutara Nebula: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we just dropped out of Warp" to read "[Rank], we just dropped out of warp".
-Consider changing "Strange, the [ShipName] is nowhere near the coordinates we intended" to read "Strange, we are nowhere near the coordinates we intended".
-Consider changing "This looks like the Morena Nebula, Sir" to read "This looks like the Mutara Nebula, sir". I noted the map name is Mutara not Morena.
-Consider changing "First tests indicate that it is based on iconian technologie" to read ""First tests indicate that it is based on Iconian technology".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The use of “iconian” vice “Iconian”. This will be discussed in the summary above.

Base - Docking Area: This is a nice map design and the story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider naming the NPC's surrounding Captain Tarlek. Currently they are all labeled "UGC Contact".
-The "Commander Tarlek" dialogue; consider changing "I think you may have some questions, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "I think you may have some questions, [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "We know about you since you showed up at Starbase 512" to read "We've know about you since you showed up at Starbase 512".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-Consider changing "it would be a shame if there is no [Nickname] on the bridge" to read "it would be a shame if there is no [LastName] on the bridge".
-Consider changing "Not bigger weapons are the future, computer viruses are" to read "Bigger weapons are not the future, computer viruses are".

Base - Prison Area: This is a good map design with some nice battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "If we would transport a prisoner" to read "If we transported a prisoner".
-Consider changing the response button "It feeled" to read "It felt".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan” or "federation" vice "Federation". This will be discussed in the summary above.
-Consider changing "use the transporter they found on that station" to read use the transporter they found on this station".
-The "Frightened Ensign" dialogue; consider changing "I'll beg you" to read "I beg you".
-The "Name and serial number" dialogue; consider changing "This Ensign is clearly under shock" to read "This Ensign is clearly in shock".
-The dialogue from the Tactical BOFF is not professional and neither is the players response. Consider changing both to something more professional or remove that choice all together.
-Consider adding respawn points deeper into the map.
-The map has some pathing issues that you may want to report to the Dev’s so they can fix them.

Base - Crew Area: This is a good map design with some tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The post "Check desk" dialogue; consider changing "I copied it for later studies" to read "I copied it for later study".
-Consider changing "It could proof useful" to read "It could prove useful".
-Consider removing the post "Sit down" dialogue. It does not serve to drive the story.
-Consider adding respawn points deeper into the map.

Mutara Nebula 2: This is a good map design with a good battle. The story dialogue is well written and is a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname]" to read [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "such a dangerous criminal, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "such a dangerous criminal, [Rank] [LastName]".

---------End (Part 2) Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and once you fix the issues I found it will be an even better mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 05/05/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.

Archived Post 05-06-2012 10:02 AM

Version 1.1 is online.
Thanks to Evil70th review I hope I managed to find all the typos.

Changelist:
- hopefully all typos fixes
- [Rank] [Lastname] used instead of [Rank] [Nickname]
- Use of uppercases improved
- Dialog added for opening each crate
- Details in mission task added where to find Starfleet Liaison (ESD, balcony)
Mission tasks are severly limited in characters, so I couldn't make it more detailed.

Also:
- added a respawn point in prison area
- reworked some of the sentences I were unhappy with before
- UGC Contacts are now Romulan soldiers
- Hint in mission description about using the plant

Thanks for Evil70th's work also added to the credits :)

Archived Post 05-06-2012 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_Borg
Version 1.1 is online.
Thanks to Evil70th review I hope I managed to find all the typos.

Changelist:
- hopefully all typos fixes
- [Rank] [Lastname] used instead of [Rank] [Nickname]
- Use of uppercases improved
- Dialog added for opening each crate
- Details in mission task added where to find Starfleet Liaison (ESD, balcony)
Mission tasks are severly limited in characters, so I couldn't make it more detailed.

Also:
- added a respawn point in prison area
- reworked some of the sentences I were unhappy with before
- UGC Contacts are now Romulan soldiers
- Hint in mission description about using the plant

Thanks for Evil70th's work also added to the credits :)

I am glad I could help as always. ;) Thanks for authoring,
Brian

Archived Post 05-11-2012 04:01 AM

Released version 1.11
---------------------------
- 4 typos fixed (Yepp -> Yep / has is -> is / us -> ourselves / to gave -> to give)
- romulan barkeeper -> Romulan bartender (hope that's the last uppercase fault)
- use of Klingon tricorder fixed (FED and KDF scan animations have the exact same name, great idea cryptic!)
- moved the respawn point slightly more into the hallway. (There seem to be a small problem with it, as one player mentioned he "respawned in the floor". I'll have to check it myself. If it's still causing problems, I will removed it again.)


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