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-   -   What would you do in this case? (http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=584431)

hawkwing43 03-15-2013 06:03 AM

What would you do in this case?
 
Ok lets say you have a kid who has turned 18 in the middle of the school year in high school. Then once they turned 18, they start doing things outside of your house rules. Why, cause now they they are 18, an dthat means they are grown. At least by law.

ok anyone you give them the option of they MUST follow the house rules, or they have to get out. So they pick to leave.

Now, as weeks go by you get calls from school that they have been missing class, but at the sametime they told the school to they dont want your as the parent to have anything to do with their schooling. The 18 issue again. So the school doesn't talk live to you, but you still get these messages of not attending school.

So later you find out, your kid has been bouncing from house to house with their BF.GF, and both have been living off other people.

Then you find out they moved to the big city to stay with a grand parent, and want to goto school in a not so good area.

So you as a parent what would you do in this case?

Mind you everyone has tried to talk and reson with your kid, but they are following the BF/ GF due to the love factor.

I call this case the story of DUM and DUMMER.

collegepark2151 03-15-2013 06:18 AM

Full disclaimer: I am not a parent myself but I have seen similar situations happen in my family.

My brother who is close to 30 has become a mooch and most likely a drug addict. My parents have had trouble with dealing with him and whether to keep trying to help or let him fend for himself. I myself took the lead during his divorce and made sure he kept up with his legal issues, mostly because I'm the oldest and have that "mother hen" complex a lot of firstborn children do.

I finally decided that I was just enabling him and the best thing to do for him was tough love. So, I no longer answer his phone calls or emails because all he ever did was whine and ask for money and never made any forward progress.

Granted, this is not exactly what you have described, but in my opinion, I think it may be time to just let your kid learn things the hard way since they don't seem to want to learn them the easy way.

I feel very bad for you and have already included you in my prayers. I can only imagine how much harder it must be for you as a parent than it was for me as a sibling. :(

hawkwing43 03-15-2013 06:40 AM

Thank you.

BTW I am all about the tough love. They dont want to listen to common sence, or good advice of any kind. If you dont side with them, they cut you off. One of the reason they left the 1st high school, they were trying to talk them into returning home. So off to the big city they ran with the BF/ GF.

no money
no job
no sence

The grandmom they are staying with, really I understand the one is their grandkid, and they are trying to help, but my kid should not have followed the other.

BTW no I can't hold this kid at my place, as the police told me they are 18 and I have to let them go. So what can a parent do, when you see a your kid heading to the cliff, following another who is holding their hand to jump off into DOOM?

collegepark2151 03-15-2013 06:42 AM

My only suggestion will certainly not be popular with some around here and may be deleted for religious content, but I think the only thing you can do in that case is pray and hope for the best. There's not really anything you can do at this point.

hawkwing43 03-15-2013 06:49 AM

Hey it's what my mom and in-laws tell me. But that's all you can do really, when your kid doesn't want to listen to anyone, and keep see the danger down the road they are going towards.

hortwort 03-15-2013 07:15 AM

I'd say to just let your child know that they can come home if they have to. Put aside some money if they need it and have a place to sleep ready to go. Just be available. If they're really leading a self-destructing lifestyle, then they'll probably be back eventually. You'll have your chance to fix things between you, just be ready for it.

hawkwing43 03-15-2013 07:27 AM

Well that option is on the table, but they are telling people they were kicked out.

NOT TRUE.

What was said you follow the house rules or get out. All they heard was get out. Mainly they were pushing buttons, and looking for the excuse to leave, so they can be with their BF/ GF. But that person doesn't have a place of their own, and has been leeching off others, both family and friends. That of course only last so long, then you burn that bridge if your not trying to do better, and your just taking up space and eatting their food.

trycksh0t 03-15-2013 11:04 PM

At this point, I would say let them know that you still love them, they have a place to come back to if they need it, and then back off.

No parent wants to see their child screw up, but there comes a point where you have to accept you can't protect them from everything, they need to start creating their own life. They also need to be slapped in the face with the fact that at 18, while legally an adult, they know absolutely nothing (no matter how much they think they do), and the only thing that will open their eyes to that fact is the world knocking 'em down a few pegs (I'm sure that every adult here went through that). The most important thing is to be there when it happens to help pick up the pieces.

kain9prime 03-15-2013 11:22 PM

Talking at someone and telling them what to do or how bad things could be if they make dumb decisions, IMO, rarely works. You have to ask people questions like:

"what's you plan?"
"how will you do this?"
"What if this happens, what will you do?" - etc.

It forces them to deal with their own situation and the choices they're making (or have made) without making you out to be an all-out aggressor. That's my 2 cents worth...

twg042370 03-16-2013 12:15 AM

I skipped everything after the OP.

A lot of people have fallen much further and have come out better people for it. A lot of others haven't. Regardless, it's out of your hands. You got to let the adult become an adult.


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