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Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,175
# 12
08-21-2013, 10:19 AM
@jonnaroslyn - now I want to know about the sparkles, and about the incident itself. Was the admiral the one with the cracked helmet? Were the color changes due to hypoxia as her air leaked out, was it something the sparkles did, or was it something else? How did sparkles overload a plasma conduit? Enquiring minds want to know!

@icegavel - good story. Technical points: It reads easier if you put a paragraph break every time the speaker changes in a conversation. Keeping track of who's saying what in a single paragraph can get confusing. Also, a few redundancies - for instance, when the admiral says, "Put it on the main screen," it isn't necessary to note, "...it was done." We assume that a trained Starfleet crew follows basic instructions. You can, if you'd like, note what sort of image has just appeared - that gives a nice transition, as well as an excuse to describe the image you have in your head.

Your characterization, OTOH, was good. Once I worked out who was who in those conversations, they did indeed have their own voices.
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I'm old enough not to care too much about what you think of me --
But I'm young enough to remember the future, the way things ought to be...

- Rush, "Cut To the Chase", Counterparts