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Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hey Evil70th, I am back with part 3 of my series, I am looking for your review on this part. I am not sure if I posted this part 3 yet or not.


Name: The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Starfleet
ID:ST-HULT4LRKX
level: 16+
Time: 45-1 hour
Story: After the loss of Starbase 375 to the Tzenkethi forces, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire forces are on the run. Both Starfleet and the Klingon Empire are hard pressed to get Starbase 375 back and to take care of this new threat. How did the Tzenkethi forces manage to gain all of these vessels and facilities under the Federation and the Klingon Empire’s Knowledge? Do the Tzenkethi forces have support or are they alone? Will this be another Dominion war or will it not get that far? What will happen to the Tzenkethi? What will happen to the Klingon Empire? What will happen to the Federation?
Starting Location: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.

Thank you for taking your time to play my part 3.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HULT4LRKX

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a nice mission with some tough but fun battles and detailed story dialogue. There are several spelling, syntax and grammatical errors on some of the maps. They are a distraction from the story dialogue and need to be addressed. I only noted the maps below and recommend you have someone else, other than you, review the dialogue thoroughly. It is too easy to miss dialogue issues when you wrote them. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles to break up the story.

The balancing of enemy mobs in a mission can be difficult. Deciding where to place the enemy in relation to friendly support, if any, or how strong to make each side can be difficult. With that said it is still a necessary talent to master for an author if you are going to use enemy mobs in a mission. Having a large number of enemy mobs may seem like a challenge to other players but I find it tedious. It is particularly tedious when it adds nothing to the story. If your intention is to make a grinder mission then of course the more enemy the better but again I find those types of mission tedious. So what is the solution? Balance the engagements by placing enemy and friendly mobs on the map in equal proportions. For example, cruiser against cruiser, destroyer against destroyer and so on, with the player added in to tip the balance of the battle. Again this is not easy but you will find it works much better this way.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.

Mission Task: The initial task should have a clear start location for the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Deep Space: This is a simple map design with several battles and some story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle has already begun but the dialogue is as if the battle is about to start. Consider changing the enemy to appear when the player signals the other ships. This way the player can read your dialogue and not ignore it to begin the engagement.
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage.

Deep Space Nine: This map seems unnecessary to the story. I know what you are trying to do with the warp out on the previous map but it just seems to serve no purpose in the story. There is a short dialogue at the beginning announcing the ships arrival and the player flies all the way across the map to change to the next map. Consider removing this map and adding dialogue at the end of the next map that mentions the arrival and ready to transport to the conference. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Welcome to Deep Space Nine" to read "[Rank], welcome to Deep Space Nine".
-Consider changing "beam over to the Conference deck" to read "beam over to the conference deck".

Conference Deck: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Deep Space Nine Security dialogue; consider changing "Please sign in the you may continue in" to read "Please sign in before you enter the conference".
-The Fleet Admiral Nitehawk dialogue; consider changing: "how this threat posses to the Federation and to the Klingon Empire" to read "what this threat means to the Federation and Klingon Empire".
-The response button; consider changing "that could be important to this threat" to read "that may shed light on this threat".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.

B'lii System: The map design is good but needs some tweaking. The battle is fun and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider placing the initial spawn point closer to the first satellite. Having the player fly to the first one and then back again is tedious.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-The enemy vessel at the second satellite appears and attacks immediately. If the player engages immediately the dialogue where the enemy threatens to attack disappears until after the fight is over. This is due to the configuration of your combat trigger. It appears to trigger as soon as the player scans the satellite. Consider changing the dialogue to popup dialogue that occurs when the player arrives in the vicinity of the second satellite. It can be made to be available after the first satellite is scanned and virus uploaded.

Hirogen Monitor station: This is a great map design with good battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with battles the player barely is able to participate in. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "federation" to read "Federation"

Starbase 375: This is a good map design with several tough enemy mobs. The story dialogue is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post enemy engagement dialogue; consider changing "We need to break down that field" to read "We need to bring down the dampening field".
-The post "Bring down the field" dialogue; consider removing "The fleet is starting to fall". It is redundant in conjunction with the last line.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue; "Our weapons and shield are ready" to read "We are ready to engage the enemy on your command". Delete the last line.

Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage or adding more ships to assist in the battles.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Tzenkethi Dreadnought Vessel: This is a great map design with detailed story dialogue but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I was a little confused at first by the nature of the doors closing and blocking my away team. As the story progressed I understood the purpose but consider just adding a note at the start of the map instructing the player to leave the away team behind with a rally point.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Tzenketh: This is a good map design but needs a little work. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The two locate Autarch tasks are tedious and despite the nice scenery are unnecessary to the story.
-The sliding doors are okay but there is a gap above them that looks strange. In addition as the player moves between the arms of the station they can see that nothing is supporting the structures. The surrounding scenery with through the windows looks good but the lack of structural support detail needs to be addressed.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Tzenketh system: This is a nice map design with several tough but optional battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and series. With the dialogue fixes and battle balancing you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.

Brian

This critique report also filed 06/07/2014 on forum posting for: The Unexpected Returns Series
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.

Last edited by evil70th; 06-13-2014 at 10:15 AM.