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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 17
02-16-2010, 02:31 PM
Since the uniforms in TOS were slightly less colorful than they were in the time of TNG, and since the 2009 movie was a little greyer than the 1969 series, it should be safe to assume that the sets and costumes would be way more colorful than we remember.

The women would run about in much rosier makeup, the men would perhaps be striped in iridescants and pastels.

The NewTrek was more in-your-face sexual than the original, and so too should be TNG. Expect Picard to wear a skirt and have some really impressive curves. You'd still hear the same voice and see the same bald head, though. Just with longer lashes, a flouncing walk, and a saccharine smile. There'd probably be a running joke about Riker and Crusher competing to find out just what Picard has under there. Both would protest too much.

When confronted directly about it, Picard would probably practically spit, "I beg your pardon?" before tugging the top of the uniform taught, leaving little to the imagination as to what is going on in the chest. Shirt straightened, there would be a change to a softer, more diplomatic tone, and a suggestion of, "Perhaps we should first come to an agreement on what should be down there."

Beyond wardrobe and cosmetic challenges, more effort would be put into the musical score. Given some combination of the above, there should be Klingons doing piruettes and curtsies, yowling in Klingonese in perfect time and dissonant pitch with a grinding industrial soundtrack. To make sure things are grittier and more real, they'd be smoking cigarettes while trilling in soprano underneath discoballs and pulsing lights.

Then starfleet would show up. Jeanne-Luce Picard and the rest of the cast from The Fast and The Furious, alternatively making out with the Klingons and then telling them that they don't have the drive to drive, dawg.

And then things would oh snap, targs would reverberate from the bellies of peace, Accord Ryan would replace his bagpipes with polka dots and there would stream into the noses of ink factory workers the new ideals of jet-propelled mulchmonsters. Things would explode everywhere while everyone is tralalaing and punching and dancing and climaxing together and being transformed into beings of pure light. The Q continuum would roll off the skin like an ooze that you don't want to identify, and all the corrupt admirals of Starfleet would start trying to cave in their skulls with the one thing that can be said to frame the whole of human experience: