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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
01-16-2011, 06:55 PM
I'm going to assume English isn't your first language so if you need help with the grammar please post it here and the forum will be happy to help. The review I made did not take grammar into consideration.


The first thing I noticed is that you never specified where the Celes system was. You should tell us what sector block it's in.

Next, you wrote a Captain's log. Please don't tell my character what to say. He's my character and that's my captain's log, something I am perfectly capable of writing.
Next, I had to beam onto another ship for no reason at all. The mission report was long and held no useful information. Plus it could have easily been transmitted over subspace radio, which was what I thought the original contact did.

Next the freighter of scientists. I have no idea why they were attacked and why the crew wasn't taken as slaves. Also, why did they hate me? Seriously, why did federation scientists hate starfleet, especially the captain that just saved them? I get they hated war but war or not, we wouldn't have done anything different. It's not like they were able to send out a distress call. No one knew they were missing.

You also put too many words in my mouth. I'm an engineer yet I spoke like I was someone else. Made me feel like I was watching an episode of Voyager instead of playing an episode of Voyager.

Your desire to put cargo containers in the hall way puzzles me. Why would anyone clutter up a high traffic hallway with cargo containers?

You also need to reposition the volcano plant farther back. I can see it in the console.

Next your solution on how to find the ships made no sense.
If they were all naussican ships, why did some of them use different weapons? And why didn't I see those weapons when I eventually fought them?
Next, why did I care about which ship took him? They all went in the same direction and the guy had a transponder chip.
Also, "The ship was very old".... how did we know? And even if it was, why on Vulcan would they have flakes fly off? That's not how Warp works. Warp drive creates a subspace bubble around the ship which allows it to lower the mass of what's inside, partially submerge it in subspace, then fold space around the ship. The stress is when the ship doesn't have enough power to the warp field to lower it's mass or the warp field is unstable and various parts have different mass ratios. (like the front of the ship being 50% normal mass while the back being 10%.)

Next the combat in the "chase" map was fine but finding each ship was frustrating. The area was too large and the ships too far apart. Plus, I found the "flagship" first and wondered why I couldn't beam over to it and skip the rest? I suggest removing the "kill the 5 squads" and simply let me find it first then once I get to the reach marker, spawn in a squad to protect the ship. That way I get the combat or ignore it while searching but always get some combat.

This is where the story falls apart.
I get that there was a slave revolt even though the captain said nothing about it and there wasn't any indication. I don't understand how I beamed through his shields though nor why there was a jamming field over Engineering when the shields would have prevented beamout easily enough.

Next the "binary language". Binary is a very slow language and if he can vibrate his laranx, he can speak in analog, not binary. Unless his laranx can only produce one frequency. A good concept but it would have been better if you didn't explain it or perhaps had him be a Binar or have no laranx and speak through some form of device which was damaged.

Again, the hallways had containers in them. Why I do not know.

Next you have the engineer and the slaves. I get that you couldn't lower the force field but you can't beam through force fields either. That's one of the point of a force field. Also, why would you link your comm badges to the ship's life sign monitor? And why would that mean you couldn't be beamed up?

Then the shuttle....
I thought the escape would be some kind of daring escape but it wasn't. Now I like how messing with the EPS manifold caused the captain to know there was a problem but one would think that his guards would have given a warning or his sensors detected a beam in or something.
And why did the fire suddenly occur on the ship? Fire surpression shouldn't be offline nor should fires break out from the safe removal of a starship component.

Also, as a map tip, smoke should be on the top and fill the hall way, not on the bottom. Fog goes on the bottom, smoke from fire always rises to the top. If you put the smoke to fill the whole hallway, that would work better.
Also add in text about how you'll bring the Environmental and Fire surpression systems offline when taking out the EPS manifold. That'll help the story.

The final fight was hard... on normal. Seriously, 2 high level squads at once? Not fun.

And when you revealed about the transponder I asked one question: why didn't I scan for that in the first place? Or why didn't the naussicans remove it? Surely they would have known.
And why did they think that a person claiming to be the scientist who was clearly a different species would fool me? Didn't I have a picture of the guy?
Since that guy couldn't do anything, I suggest making it a hologram. Though the thought that the scientist seems to think that Starfleet Captains wouldn't help a ship full of slaves, most of which have taken over the ship, is very odd.

So, I kill the captain, take a hypospanner and...
I have to fly out? Couldn't I have simply shut down main power or disabled the jamming field myself? That way I could beam out and not have to worry.
And why did I have to blow up the ship? Seems like overkill to destroy a ship where the slaves managed to take control of all areas except the one area that I just took control of.

Your dialog was fine but not for me. For another captain, sure, but not for my captain. The dialog of the others was also fine and well though out.
The story had far too many plot holes.
Your positioning on maps needs work. (at least remove the cargo containers from the hallways.)
Enemy squads need space. Each squad is designed to be a challenge as a squad. Multiple squads in the same area are often too difficult to defeat.
Make sure you give better background on why the Naussicans are after this scientist. Sure the encrypted data sounded good but I never knew what it was for nor why the Naussicans simply left the scientists alive when they should have captured them, destroyed their ship, and left to interrogate their prisoners.

I will say that creating the various aliens and their culture was nice and you could definitely use that skill to your advantage.