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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 96
06-10-2011, 06:49 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peregrine_Falcon View Post
STARFLEET

White Malice
ST-HSPLDKAWL
by AriusDecimus

"It seems that billions of inhabitants have simply, dissapeared... Will you uncover the truth of this mystery, or become just another part of the story as billions already have?"

Final Rating: 3 Stars

Synopsis:
Entering the Malon system, you rendezvous with two Starfleet vessels in orbit. They called you in because someone needs to beam down to the surface and apparently everyone on both of their ships is afraid to.

You beam down into the abandoned capital, and spot a targ that's just standing around. Faint tricorder readings lead you into an underground cavern. You find a cavern filled with the aliens who are unable to move. Their spokesman informs you that they're undergoing a change brought about by a strange lifeform that's invaded their world. The change finally occurs and you have to fight your way out of the caverns through the now crazed aliens. Back on the surface you encounter more of the crazed aliens as you move toward the extraction zone. Once there, you encounter the two captains waiting for you with a number of pattern enhancers, and beam out.

Incoming ships controlled by the lifeform attack. After dealing with them, the Admiral wants you to beam aboard his ship to discuss the situation. UGC contact meets you on the bridge and escorts you into the Admiral's ready room. The discussion ends with the Admiral deciding that you should beam back down and try to find a way to dissuade the creature from killing more people.

Back on the surface again, you finally encounter the creature. It complains about the pain and loneliness and attacks you. After following it around and killing a number of its puppets, you finally persuade it that it isn't necessary to kill. It thanks you and it decides to stop killing.

Once back aboard your ship the Admiral discusses moving the entire population of billions to another world. Apparently it makes more sense to force these people to abandon their homeworld than it does to just kill an irrational creature that murdered thousands, possibly millions of sentient beings.

The majority of the population was killed, there were only a few survivors scattered in caverns across the planet. They are a desert-dwelling species as I pointed out in the caverns, they cannot live on a planet that never stops snowing.

Problems with the mission: A number of misspellings and grammatical errors.

So there's two Federation starships in orbit around around this planet, but neither of them could investigate this? They had to call me? Are the cowards just afraid to beam down to the surface or what?

I really do need to explain things more, thanks for this piece in specific.

Officers on the bridge named "UGC Contact."

For some ODD reason, when I was making the bridge in the editors, random glitches kept popping up. I fixed a lot of things, and I know how to normally solve the UGC CONTACT issue, but it simply didn't work I suppose.

Why were Undine Guardians helping Ale'uel's Avatar?

For some reason the editor didn't keep the costume I gave Ale'uel's henchmen. I really don't know why.

It's never explained what the creature is, where it came from, how it got to the planet, and how it gained control of several warships.

That was completely intentional, the stories that stay with you the longest, are the ones which you don't completely understand.

Final Thoughts: Excellent dialog, confusing story. Not really light on combat, as is claimed on the blurb page. This mission should have been 4 stars, but too many little mistakes or things that didn't make sense just piled up.

It's defintely a unique take on a well used story type. With some work this will be a great mission.
In the above quote I added a couple replies, explaining a few things.

Thank you sir, for your honest criticism. I hope that I can use it to in the future, make a piece truly worthy of "Citizen Cane with Phasers".