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Join Date: Dec 2007
Mission Critique Report - ST-SSR, E01: "Black Boxes"
10-18-2011, 09:56 PM
Originally Posted by
Mission Name: ST-SSR, E01: "Black Boxes"
Minimum Level: 31+ (Captain)
Federation Mission - ST-SSR, E01: "Black Boxes"
I want to say how much I thoroughly enjoyed your mission and I highly recommend it for play. It was very well written and has good twists in the dialog and the story as a whole. Your work on this project is quite good and it shows the level of effort you put into it to make it a great story. Even the battles, although they were brief and not really central to the story they folded into the overall story.
In general I think you should consider changing the words "disintegrate" and "disintegration" to "destroy" and "destroyed". With that said it really didn’t detract from the story or my enjoyment of it. I kept in mind your note regarding “English not being your first language”. With that in mind below are some observations and some recommendations for your mission.
This is a good description and the additional note at the end helps as well.
Grant Mission Dialog:
Good story dialog over all driving the story and drawing me in.
-In the dialog box from Admiral Johnson I noted the following items to consider changing:
-"transmissions of two ships" should be "transmissions from two ships".
-"Both transmission were" should be "Both transmissions were".
-"there has not" should be "there have not".
-"from both ships" should be "from either ship"
For the choice buttons a couple of things to consider changing;
-"What do mean with" to "What do you mean by".
-"Why were these two ships destroyed?" to "What destroyed these two ships?"
-In the "What destroyed these two ships?" response consider changing "Both ships have not transmitted" to "Both ships did not transmit". Also "Klingon raid parties" to "Klingon raiding parties".
-The final window you should consider changing "I don't assume I have to wish you good luck for such a simple mission" to "I won't wish you good luck on such a simple mission".
This is very clear and concise. Good job.
Mission Entry Prompt:
This is the first time I’ve seen the Entry Prompt used to declare the actual start of the mission with the author credited. At first I was not sure if I liked it, but the more I looked at it the more I liked it.
Asteroid Belt Near Risa (Act 1):
This is a good map design with a very nice battle and good story dialog. I noted the following items to consider changing:
-Bridge Tactical Officer dialog; "patrol. And" to "patrol, and" or change "And it looks like" to "It looks like".
-"once we recovered" to "once we've recovered”.
-"problem to beam" to "problem in beaming"
The first PADD report was good but consider changing; "has been made" to "was made".
You should use the same consideration for second PADD report as well.
U.S.S. Rettenmeier (Act 2):
This is a great map design and the dialog is very well done. I didn’t note any real issues with grammar or spelling. Excellent trigger and dialog when I started to go the wrong way.
Asteroid Belt Near Risa (Act 3):
Great map design and dialog. The unknown attacker was very well done. I noted the following items to consider changing:
-Post battle Quail Dialog; "I tell you" should be "I'll tell you".
-Consider changing the button to “Senior staff with me” instead of “Away team with me”
Runabout Hanger Bay (Act 4):
The map was very well designed and the optional dialog along with the mission task dialog was very well done. Again I like the trigger if I turn the wrong way letting me know. I did not go through all optional dialog but here are a few things I noted in the ones I did go through:
-Dr. Hawthorne dialog; remove "way" from "if you can call it that way".
-Scanner tech dialog; "This procures some" should read "This is producing a".
-Second Hawthorne dialog; "but be are" should read "but we are".
-"I would go through" should read "I will go through".
-In the response to "Who is she" dialog; "no serial number as, as I've said before" remove the first "as".
-"is custom built" should read "it is custom built".
-In the response to "Is there something wrong" dialog; "Ah, you wonder" should read "Ah, you're wondering".
-"freeze" should be "freezing"
-In the response to "What can you tell me" dialog; the button reads "you could" should read "you can".
-"that is -" should be removed.
-Ethan Quail Dialog; the button response "It's enough, Quail!" should read "That's enough, Quail!"
-Co-Pilot Dialog in response to "Nice flying" dialog; "Thank you, Sir, but most of your praise belongs to your workers and Mr. Quail, I presume." consider changing it to read "Thank you sir, but most of the credit belongs to your crew and Mr. Quail." Also consider changing; "But it's mostly your crewman, who accomplished the task in record time." to "It was your crew who accomplished the task in record time."
-In response to "What do you think of" dialog; "you wouldn't stand" to read "you weren't standing".
-"have co-piloted Mr. Quail" should read "have co-piloted with Mr. Quail".
Asteroid Belt Near Risa (Act 5):
Again this map is really well done and the setup of triggers and dialog is superb as it has been throughout. I noted the following items to consider changing:
-Dialog Bridge Engineering Officer; "station of this" should read "station for this".
-Dialog Bridge Science Officer; "I have noticed" should read "I noticed".
-"Imperial class chip" should read "Imperial class ship".
-Dialog Bridge Tactical Officer; "it takes until" should read "it will take before".
-Dialog Bridge Engineering Officer; "is offline since" should read "has been offline since".
-"this is should do it" should read "this should do it".
-"been tampered with" should read "been tampering with".
-"Apparently, this has been done by someone in a great hurry" should read "Apparently, this was done by someone in a hurry".
-"Well, it by 'simple' I mean as a subroutine" should read "Well, by 'simple' I mean as a subroutine".
-"Please. Sir, don't even try to consider that" should read "Please sir, don't say that".
-"If that would be true, we would have stumbled into something way too big" should read "If that were true, then we would have stumbled into something far bigger than we thought."
-Dialog Admiral Johnson; "I tried to contact you for a while now" should read "I've been trying to contact you quite a while now".
-"another offer" should read "another mission".
Thanks again for authoring. This mission was very enjoyable and I look forward to playing more of your work and not just to review it.