Looking for someone to take a look at my first mission.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Mission Critique Report - Starbase 74
11-04-2011, 11:56 PM
Originally Posted by
im looking for someone to take a look at my mission and to tell me what they think of it.
Its called Starbase 74 and its a federation mission, thanks.
Federation Mission: Starbase 74
Mission ID: ST-HE2LLGVUN
Let me start off by saying the story is a great concept and it shows that you put a lot of thought into it. The map designs and effects execution is quite well done on every map. Despite the spelling and grammatical errors the story itself was quite engaging. Your story and map development are there. Now you need to work on cleaning up the details.
Below are a several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
A good simple write up. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "starfleet" to read "Starfleet".
Grant Mission Dialog:
Good detailed write up. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Change "secret prodject" to read "Secret project".
-Remove the coma between the ship name and “is the closest ship in range”.
-Again consider changing "starfleet" to read "Starfleet".
-Consider changing "starbase 74" to read "Starbase 74".
-Change "im sending" to read "I'm sending".
-Consider changing "spatial co-ordinates" to read "spatial coordinates".
Even though you have the start location in the Grant Mission dialog you should add it to the mission task for the first custom map transition.
Mission Entry Prompt:
Nice simple prompt. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing entry “Head to starbase 74!” to read “Head to Starbase 74”.
The map design is good and simple. The dialog is okay but I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Throughout the initial dialog box capitalize "i". For example, "i have tried" should read "I have tried".
-Change "but i have had no responce i recomend" to read "but I have had no response. I recommend".
-Consider changing the response button from "Continue" to "Make it so" or something like that as if the player was acknowledging the Bridge Officer recommendation.
Starbase 74 Deck 1:
The map design and execution of the effects are very well done. I noted several items to consider changing:
-Commander Richards dialog; change "however i fear our" to read "however I fear our".
-Consider changing "impending klingon attack" to read "impending Klingon attack".
-Remove "Firstly" since you do not have a second task in that dialog.
-Change "Proceed through the door to the left and go up the ramp and throught the door to the right" to read "Proceed through the door to the left, go up the ramp and through the door to the right".
-Change mission task "Run diagnostic on emmiter array" to read “Run diagnostic on emitter array”.
-Post "Run diagnostic on emmiter array" dialog; consider changing "graviton emmiter is working" to read "graviton emitter is working".
-Change "disturbing, i think" to read "disturbing, I think".
-Change "What could jam this type of emmiter" response button to read "What could jam this type of emitter".
-Change "I'm not sure,sir" to read "I'm not sure sir".
-Consider changing the response button from "Continue" to "Let's go" or something like that.
-Commander Richards second dialog; consider changing "could have confirmed" to read "could confirm".
-Change "Did they detect our scans." response button to read "Did they detect our scans?"
-Consider changing "Federation-klingon" to read "Federation-Klingon".
-Change "an entier fleet on the klingons" to read "an entire fleet on the Klingons".
-Change "I recomend we Abandon" to read "I recommend we abandon".
-Consider changing "Talk to the Officers ,in the control room, order to get their advice and then convince Commander Richards" to read "Talk to the Officers in the room in order to get their advice and then convince Commander Richards".
-Change "the autodestruct" to read "the auto destruct".
-Convince Commander Richards dialog; change "i am a bit busy right now" to read "I am a bit busy right now".
-Change [OOC] dialog "BEAP" to read "Beep".
-Change "Permision to board your ship" to read "Permission to board your ship".
-Consider changing "i recomend we make a quick departure, use the turbolift in the corridor behind me to get to your ship, once your aboard you can beam me and my crew onto your ship" to read "I recommend we make a quick departure. Us the turbo lift in the corridor behind me to get to your ship. Once you’re aboard you can beam me and my crew onto your ship".
-Post turbo lift blocked dialog; consider changing "klingons will realise" to read "Klingons will realize".
-Change "I recomend" to read "I recommend".
-Change response button from "We are fine,just a bit shaken?" to read "We are fine, just a bit shaken."
-Change "Im glad" to read "I'm glad"
-Map transition dialog; change "recomend" and "klingons" to read "recommend" and "Klingons".
Starbase 74 Deck 6:
The map design and execution of the effects are very well done. The battles were tough but fun. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; change "this is what" to read "This is what".
-Change the entire dialog following "this is what you need to do". It is one long run on sentence.
-Change "fire supresion" to read "fire suppression".
-Post "Blow EPS conduit" dialog; change "klingon" to read "Klingon".
-There are a couple of consoles in one of the passageways that are sitting mostly buried in the deck.
Good simple map design and dialog. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.
This is a good map design. The dialog is very well written and the battles are a challenge but not impossible. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Post "Head to a safe distance" dialog; change "klingon" to read "Klingon".
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing more of your missions in the future.
This critique report also filed 11/04/2011 on forum posting for:
In depth mission reports upon request