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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ogremerc
Heya Evil70th.

Got another mission I'd like to request a review for when you've got an hour or so to spare. Thanks in advance!

Mission Name: At the Center of the Mind
Author: Ogremerc
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HP2VCP8UP
Estimated Mission Length: 60 minutes, possibly longer if all optional dialogue is read.
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

Additional Info here:
At the Center of the Mind

I'd like to echo others in the Foundry community when I say I'm really grateful for these in depth reviews, they really help a lot, especially picking out all the little details that pass you by on the 300th or so read through.

-Ogremerc
Federation Mission: At the Center of the Mind
Author: Ogremerc
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HP2VCP8UP

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. The writing was great. The map design was excellent and the battles were tough but not impossible. I did almost hit you for recognises, organising and defence in the dialog but it occurs to me that those might be the UK English version of those words. So I let them go. Your execution of interact effects in this mission are outstanding, particularly on the "Vulcan" map. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story, excellent maps and tough battles.

Just to clarify a point that I have made in this report and others regarding the use of "Continue" as a response button. As a response to most dialog it doesn’t feel like it works very well. Particularly when given in response to a bridge officer report regarding any element happening in the mission. There are some areas in this mission and others were I didn’t call it out. In this mission there were two or three towards the end of the "Vulcan" map but they seemed to work there. In my missions I usually will replace them with "…" if there is no appropriate response to the dialog. It just seems less intrusive to me.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good brief description with just enough to make me want to click "Hail". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a very nice grant dialog. I like the comment from the bridge officer about being "a nice relaxing assignment". That is a nice touch. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: This is a good mission task providing clear instructions on where to go to start the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a nice simple prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
P'Jem System: This is a great map design from the tough battles to the effect triggers. The dialog is really good. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Captain Saleia dialog; consider changing "an upgrade for the [ShipName]s sensor array" to read "an upgrade for the [ShipName]’s sensor array".
-Consider changing the response button "We'll be happy to assist" to read "We'd be happy to assist".
-Post "Scan Asteroid" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.
-Post "Scan Nebula" dialog; did you mean "gravimetric fluctuations" vice "gravitic fluctuations"?
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Red alert" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the post battle dialog response button "Thats one hell of a grudge" to read "That's one hell of a grudge".
-Consider changing the post "Aid Vulcan Vessels" battle dialog response button "Not the monastary" to read "Not the monastery".

P'Jem Monastary Redux: This is a really good map design and the battles are tough but not impossible to beat given enough time. The dialog is great and I liked the response button that mentions the "relaxing" comment from the Grant Mission dialog. I really liked the map transition dialog with the Vulcan doctor. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the post "Defeat Klingon Squads" battles dialog response button "Continue" to read "Let's go" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the post "A cry for Help" dialog response button "Try and stabilise him" to read "Try to stabilize him".
-Be careful with the "diagnose the Klingons to death" from the bridge officer. Some players may have a Vulcan Tactical officer.
-Consider creating a re-spawn point closer to the second round of fighting. My team had to run all the way back up the hill and of course by the time we got back up there the Vulcan Marines were all dead.
-Consider changing the post "Assist the Defenders dialog response "Continue" to read "Me either" or something along those lines.

Sick Bay: This story dialog is great. The map design is very well done. I really liked the crew interactive dialog and the apology to “Vulcan Captains”. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "yet alone standing" to read "let alone standing".
-Consider changing the response button "vulcan" to read "Vulcan".
-Consider changing "in the T'Kavars medical" to read "in the T'Kavar's medical".

Unknown: The story dialog is great and I like the skip dialog button. I didn’t use it of course but I like the way you worded it. I also like the “pinch of dna” response button as well. The map is very well done and the battle was tough but not unwinnable. I really liked the names you gave the enemies in the battles. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Stellys the Wise dialog; consider changing "murdered by a klinogn swordmaster" to read "murdered by a Klingon swordmaster".
-Consider changing "read about klingon scriptures" to read "read about Klingon scriptures".
-Consider changing the response button "At the monastary" to read "At the monastery".
-Consider changing "I apologise for" and "again I apologise" to read "I apologize for" and "again I apologize".

Sick Bay#2: This story dialog is excellent. I did note a couple of “Continue” response buttons in the dialog however they didn’t seem completely out of place. The map is as good as the previous Sick Bay map. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Vulcan: The story dialog and writing are outstanding. The map design is great. This is a good wrap up to the story. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing dialog "attached to the P'Jem monastary" to read "attached to the P'Jem monastery".
-Consider changing dialog "attacking the P'Jem monastary" to read "attacking the P'Jem monastery".

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review more of your work. This is a great mission from start to finish. Keep up the great work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/18/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.