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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stylsy View Post
The Vornan Rebellion ST-HCUC4UJML
Starfleet wants you to aid the Vornans any way you can and prevent the Klingons from retaking this strategically important planet before a fleet can arrive to hold the system.

Enjoy, and please share any feedback!
Federation Mission - The Vornan Rebellion
Author: Stylsy
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HCUC4UJML

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission and a great polar opposite of the Klingon version. You definitely did a great job. The map designs are great and the battles are tough but fun. Your story dialog writing was really well done. It is obvious that you spent a lot of time developing this mission as I found only a handful of spelling errors. I would definitely recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story combined with tough battles and excellent map design.

In my other report I noted several places where the use of the response button "Continue" should be considered for change. I also explained in that reports summary why I felt these should be considered for change. For this report I noted the same things on each map so I wonít go into those details again. The map transfer dialog is an area to consider changing some of the button responses. In some cases the player response button was identical to the last statement of the bridge officer making the beaming notice i.e. "Ready to beam to the freighter" and the response button would be "Beam to the freighter". That is not an exact quote but just an example. Consider changing those types of buttons to "Energize" or something along those lines. It might serve to flesh out the players experience in the mission as a whole.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the specific mission data regarding the mission start location to use [MissionInfo] so it stands out more.
-Consider changing your Author's notes regarding the Klingon version of this mission and your other missions to [OOC] so they stand out more.

Grant Mission Dialog: Excellent use of this dialog to draw the player in. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Admiral Hawthorn dialog; consider changing "colony was an independed state" to read "colony was an independent state".
-The use of the response button "Continue" is okay on the first dialog field to the second. However you could change the first response button to read "Is this a humanitarian concern" which would lead right into the next field.
-Consider changing the final response button "Continue" to read "We're on it Admiral" or something that acknowledges the orders the player just received.

Mission Task: This is a good mission task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task. I have only one recommendation:
-Consider adding the sector to the task.

Mission Entry Prompt: An excellent use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Otha System: This is a really well designed map with a couple of good battles. Your placement of the enemy was very good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial entry dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Plot an intercept course, full impulse" or something along those lines.
-The "Approach the Vornan Freighter" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Shield up" or something along those lines
-The post "Destroy Klingon Vessels" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Prepare a boarding party" or something along those lines.
-Since in my previous report I covered the use of the response button "Continue" extensively I will from this point simply note the dialog location of each of them that I think you should consider changing.

Vornan Freighter: The map design is excellent and the battles are tough but not impossible. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Vornan Rebel dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog post "Are these two men all you have" response; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog post "Can we help" response; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Activate the Fire Supression System" dialog in the "Is Tenbek your leader" response; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The ship tactical officer warning dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing "we rescue the rest of our team" to read "we rescue the rest of our crew".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue".

Otha System: This is a great map design and the battles were tough but not impossible to beat. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Defeat Klingon Reinforcements" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The "Evacuate the Vornan Freighter" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Reach the Vornan Colony dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Colony: This map design is great and the battles are good. The story dialog is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the level of rebel support in the fighting. I didnít get to engage all the Klingon forces. Perhaps take a couple of rebel groups and spread them out over the whole colony.
-The Menbar dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Sovesh dialog post "Tell me more" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Sovesh dialog post "Just tell me how" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Council Building: The map design was great. All of the battles were excellent and a lot of fun. The story dialog was very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Override the security" dialog; consider changing the response buttons "Continue".
-The "Find the Rebel Leader Tenek" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Tenek dialog post "We need to clear" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Tenek dialog post "How much dilithium" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Override Security Console" dialog; consider changing "the forcefield to the" to read "the force field to the".
-Consider changing "contact Starfleet immediatley" to read "contact Starfleet immediately".
-Consider changing all the response buttons "Continue".
-The "[ShipName] to [LastName]" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Defeat Remaining Klingons" dialog; consider changing all the response buttons "Continue".
-The Klingon chairs in the council chamber are buried in the floor.

Otha System: The map design is excellent and the battles are outstanding. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Defeat the Klingon Fleet" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Tenek dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Colony: The map is a great wrap up for the mission. The dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Sovesh dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the dialog for the Tenek speech to the Vornan to follow the player talking to him. The reason I suggest this is as it is currently set the mission is over before the player can actually talk to him and have him praise the player for the Federations help.
-The Tenek speech dialog; this is a place where the response button "Continue" actually works since there is no response from the player that would be needed.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is an excellent mission for a polar opposite of the Klingon version. Great job! I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/27/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.