Thread: par'Mach'kai
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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maziken
Participate in a Klingon wedding ceremony! For better immersion, make sure your character is a Klingon male and that you have enough male Bridge Officers to fill an Away Team.

Project Name: par'Mach'kai
Project ID: ST-HLHBMAXAV
Allegiance: Klingon
Author: Maziken
Klingon Mission - par'Mach'kai
Author: Maziken
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HLHBMAXAV

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Summary: This is a really well designed mission. The maps and dialog are very well done. The story is very good and drew me into it. I would definitely recommend this mission to all Klingon warriors who like a good story with well designed maps and some glorious battles.

The end of the “Cave#2” map the dialog alludes to a possible plot but nothing else is mentioned in any other dialog for the rest of the mission. Perhaps you are considering developing another mission that deals with a plot against the player’s house. That would be a great mission and if that is the case you should add more dialog at the end of this mission regarding that.

I suggested below that you add a little more to the description. Draw the players into the story by delving into some of the story elements like the cave trials and the house mistress. The purpose of the description is to grab a hold of the player and make them want to click that "Hail" button followed by the "Accept" button. You have to make the player want to play the mission because it is a great mission but they won’t know that until they play it. So you have to make them want to play it with a great descriptive write up.

Below are a couple of items I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is okay but you may want to add a little more to it. The goal should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a well written dialog. It made me want to click the "Accept" button just to see what was going to happen next. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: Good simple task with a clearly defined start location for the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: Good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Forcas: This is a good map design. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Player Bridge: This is a good map design. The dialog is okay. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the extra bridge members that kill the bad guy before I can even get there.
-Consider changing the appearance of the bad guy to follow after the authors note regarding the away team and melee weapon. He is attacked and almost killed by my away team and another group of Klingons before I even finished reading the note.

IKS 'Lw'etlh: This is a good map and the dialog is well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The IKS 'Lw'etlh Captain's dialog: consider changing "one that we will certain celebrate" to read "one we will certainly celebrate".

Cave: This is a simple map design but well executed. The dialog was well written. The "Sleep" interaction made me laugh out loud. When I clicked it my character went flat on his back immediately. It was funny. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Cave#2: The map design is very well done and the battles are glorious. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

'Lw'etlh: The map design is good. The ceremony dialog is outstanding. The House Mistress Ceremony dialog is an example of when the response button "Continue" can work. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Forcas#2: This is a good map design and the battle was well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

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Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a great mission and I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/08/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.