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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe_King
Hi,
Mission Name: A Warrior’s Honor
Author: Joe_King
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HQTB256SN
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
Federation Mission - A Warrior’s Honor
Author: Joe_King
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQTB256SN

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission overall. The map design is really well done and the battles will keep you on your toes. In fact I recommend cutting some of them down from tasks to regular NPC groups vice "Engage Enemy" tasks. Give the player the option to bypass some of the fighting if they want. If you like good map design, some story and gloriously tough battles this mission is for you.

The story is well written in that I found no spelling errors. However there are a few plot points that don’t seem to flow on some of the maps. Without giving anything away here there were a few places where the dialog and response buttons seemed to assume the player already knew or had been told something which the player either could not know or had not been told anything about it. There were also places where the spelling and grammar were technically correct but it just didn’t seem to flow with the story. Don’t get me wrong the story as a whole is a good one but when I evaluate the missions I am reviewing more than spelling and grammar. I am reviewing the story and the flow. If it seems to go a little off the tracks I want to let the author know. I noted some places on the various maps that stood out for me.

The use of the response button "Continue" was used quite a lot in this mission. I do realize that Cryptic is guilty of this as well. There are places where it works and is okay to use. Those are generally when reviewing a log entry or listening to another conversation where the player would not normally respond. However when responding to interaction character dialog or recommendations from the BOFF’s I recommend using the response button as part of the story telling. You the author are telling the story so you want the player to react in certain ways that serve to drive the story forward. The use of multiple response buttons is a great tool for telling the story as well, but you should consider the use carefully. There were a few places where some of the multiple response buttons would have worked better as follow up to the other dialog. Anyway I think you get the point.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Since "The U.S.S. Tuskegee is missing" consider changing the "Go to the Gamma Hydra System and help the Tuskegee" to read "Go to the Gamma Hydra System and locate the Tuskegee".

Grant Mission Dialog: This dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "has failed to provide his status" to read "has failed to check in".
-Consider changing "and secure the system from enemy intrusion if necessary" to read "and remove any enemy intruders".
-Consider changing "the U.S.S. [ShipName] to secure the situation" to read "the U.S.S. [ShipName] to handle the situation".

Mission Task: This is a good task with the location for the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task. I noted only one thing to change:
-Consider adding the Sector Block to the task to make sure players know where to go.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Gamma Hydra Asteroid Field: This is a good map design and the battles are good. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" throughout the dialog to appropriate responses to the BOFF reports. I will only note the maps where "Continue" is used for a response from this point forward and will cover it in detail in my summary.-The initial Science BOFF report would make more sense before the enemy attack. Consider moving the first report regarding the identity of the vessel and the interference from the nebula to before the Tactical BOFF reports the enemy attack.
-Consider changing "Thankfully, I cannot detect more vessels" to read "However there are no more vessels in the area to scan, thankfully".
-The dialog towards the end felt a little rushed and a little awkward. Towards the end of the map it almost felt as if the BOFF’s where addressing a child rather than the Captain with their various recommendation.

Bridge of the U.S.S. Tuskegee: This is a good map design and the story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The trigger for the map change is a little far from the turbolift. Consider moving is closer to the turbolift door.
-Consider adding more bodies around the bridge.
-Story point, is the Captain of the Tuskegee incapacitated or dead? If he is incapacitated then perhaps you should add a task for the player to request a medical team from the ship beam over to help the bridge crew.

U.S.S. Tuskegee: The map design is really good. The battles are good and the last one is pretty tough but not impossible. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The "Lieutenant Seruk" dialog; consider removing the response button "Commander Malok was working with the Klingons" It kind of gives away that plot point. Consider moving that response button and the dialog to the "Lieutenant, what happened her" response button dialog.
-Read through the dialog you’ve written and make sure it flows properly.

Gamma Hydra Asteroid Field: This is a good map design with nice battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-I believe the term is "Decloaking" vice "Uncloaking".
-USS Tuskegee still visible despite the fact is was taken by the General.

Gamma Hydra IV: The map design is all right. The battles are okay. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Battles are a good thing to keep it interesting and as a story point however battling through five groups just to get to the next dialog and map transfer is a little too much. Consider reducing the number of groups.
-Story point; the Science BOFF declares "It appears the crew of the Tuskegee is definitely being held at the facility" however later in the same dialog the BOFF states "There is a strong dampening field preventing our sensor scans". The BOFF shouldn't be using the word "definitely". Consider removing the word "definitely".

Gamma Hydra IV B: The map design is well done however the battles are a little too much. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-There are 7 patrols before the big fight near the facility to shutdown the force field. Consider making some of them optional by placing NPC groups on the map rather than "Kill Enemy" tasks. That way the player can decide to engage them or go around.
-Consider adding additional re-spawn points based on the battles that are required.
-Consider changing the location of the facility to shut down the force field. I think many players will not appreciate having to run half way across the map to shut down the force field.

Abandoned Facility: The map design is well done. The story dialog is well written. The battles are tough. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The crates are nice cover but they can interfere with Away Team BOFF’s movement following the player.
-The post "Speak with Counselor Sidas" engagements; the last engagement group appears to be stuck inside the door into the last room.
-The last room "Open Door" doesn’t trigger from a console as the others did.
-The "Undine Spy" appears right on top of Commander Malok after the initial dialog with him. He is still there as well.
-The BOFF should refer to the player as "Captain" vice "captain". The lower case is used when referring to the rank in general and upper case is used when referring to a specific person.

Gamma Hydra IV: This is a well done map design with a nice wrap up battle. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The BOFF refers to the player by the [ShortName] consider changing it to "Captain".
-The U.S.S. Galaxy continues to warp in after the battle. This is a standard problem with that animation within the Foundry. I recommend you just have them appear. Most players won't notice anyway.
-The "Allow the I.K.S. M'rel to Warp Out" Reach Marker task is right on top of the "Follow the Carrier Signal" Reach Marker task. The reach markers are not designed to be one on top of each other. Consider changing the size and location of the reach marker.
-Commander Beznot refers to the player by [ShortName]. Consider changing that to [Rank].

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job and your methods are getting better with each project. Keep up the good work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/31/2012 on forum posting for: In depth.