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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pendra80 View Post
I'd like to ask you to review one or both of my old-new missions:

Demon Planet Adventure Edition
ID: ST-HEGHOJ8WQ
Starfleet, Any Level
Starting Location: Pico system, Sirius sector block
Duration: ? mins
Style: Hardcore Adventure, Single player

A space combat exercise in the Castor system near the Pico system turns into a hunt of a different kind.
It is up to you to solve the mystery before it is too late!

The first one is fully trigger driven branched mission with multiple outcomes,

Thanks in advance!
Federation Mission - Demon Planet Adventure Edition
Author: Pendra80
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HEGHOJ8WQ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an interesting mission. The use of objects to complete mission tasks is very well done. The colony buildings and cave design are good and are great usage of map space. I gave it 4 stars because of the story, use of the objects, usage of map space, the colony building and cave design. The "Debrief" portion needs to be fixed. The "Debrief" doesnít seem to take into account that after the "Cave" there is no other choice but to "Debrief". Obviously due to the linear nature of the story in the Foundry you can only have the one outcome with the Admirals debriefing.

On the "Castor III" map the location of the "Beam up" trigger that makes the "Debrief" appears should be moved. If you trigger it when standing on top of the rocks you get stuck in the roof and canít move. If you leave the map after the "Debrief" trigger and come back you cannot renter the "Debrief" area. I had to drop the mission and retake it to complete it. The second time I stood slightly to the side of the top and was just low enough I didnít get stuck. The rock remains in the middle of the passageway of what I assume is supposed to be the players ship.

I mention "hard returns" below. This is aimed at sentences you appear to have moved to a different line but did not add a blank line in between. I mention this because it appeared to be a random occurrence. There are some dialog panels where there are blank lines separating sentences and others where there are not. It isnít a show stopper but it struck me as odd and I thought Iíd point it out.

The use of the response button "Continue" is quite prevalent in your "Castor III" map. There is some dialog where this will work and more that it doesnít seem to fit, particularly when the "Player" is receiving reports from their BOFFís. It can be difficult finding the appropriate response to go in there but to me it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Authors" notes to [OOC] text so they stand out from the general description.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a good dialog but not very intriguing. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
- Consider adding another hard return between the [MissionInfo] and "You will join" sentences so they are apart.

Mission Task: This is a good use of the task as you provide the starting system for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the sector block of the system.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding another hard return between separated sentences.

MAPS:
High orbit over Castor III: This is a good map design. The battle is nicely done. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Admiral Trent's message; consider changing "The [ShipName] is ordered to orbit the Castor III" to read "The [ShipName] is ordered to orbit Castor III".
-Consider adding another hard return between separated sentences.

Castor III: This is a good map design and your use of objects for mission tasks is very well done. The story dialog is good. Without giving too much away the colony buildings and cave design are very nicely done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I'm confused by the initial dialog "Over our usual equipment we collected the following items". It doesn't seem to do anything for the story.
-The use of the response button "Continue". For example the assisting Brother Chen request. Consider changing "Continue" to read "Weíll see what we can do" or something along those lines.
-Consider adding another hard return between separated sentences.
-The post "Brother Chen" scan dialog; the Science BOFF refers to me by my [ShortName] which seems unlikely. Consider changing this to [Rank] or Captain.
-The post "Collect Berries" scan dialog; the Science BOFF refers to me by my [ShortName] which seems unlikely. Consider changing this to [Rank] or Captain. I suspect this is going to occur more often so I will no longer note it but cover it in the summary.
-The post "Apply Trytoxine" dialog; consider changing "Without warning...," to read "Without warning..."
-The dialog; "You thread close to unholy knowledge, brother Steven" did you mean "tread"?
-The post Reman encounter; I noted that the Bridge Science BOFF became my Away Team Science BOFF in the second dialog panel.
-The dialog; "It was a near thing, but he will live" doesn't make any sense. Consider changing it to "It was a close call, but he will live".
-BIG SHOW STOPPER: If the player is on top of the rock when they initiate the beam up they get stuck in the roof of the "Debrief" location.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Again, good work with the usage of map space. After you adjust the "Debriefing" design it will be a great mission.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/20/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.