Things Captain Ratika is Not Allowed to Do
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Join Date: Dec 2007
02-29-2012, 02:39 AM
80) I am no longer allowed to insist on proper Klingon pronunciations of food.
81) Ensign Tallulah does not do the Hula with Tulaberries.
82) Just because I can speak Klingon, doesn't mean I should.
83) "Get out and push" is not something that should be taken literally.
84) My First Officer is not my First Lady. This is especially true if my First Officer is male.
85) I am no longer allowed to practice the Vulcan neck pinch on anything that can be considered alive.
86) Changelings are not pudding.
87) I will no longer give children phasers on Bring Your Child to Work Day.
88) The following people are off-limits for me to meet during time travel for any reason: Isaac Asimov, Philip K. ****, J.R.R. Tolkien, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Oprah Winfrey.
89) "I'm from Mars" is not a good cover story for time travel on Earth before the 22nd Century.
90) The comm channels are for communication only, I cannot play sea chanties over them.
91) Just because a species has two an internal organ, does not mean they have an "extra".
92) "Kirk" is not a viable replacement for expletives.
93) I am not allowed to spread rumors about Admiral Janeway and that bag of coffee beans.
94) I am not allowed to test the viability of newly discovered lifeforms by engaging them in ritual combat.
95) I am not allowed to pimp out my runabout with rims and hydraulics, as it does not have wheels.
96) Bicycles are forbidden outside the holodeck.
97) I am forbidden from shouting "PEW PEW!" whenever I fire my weapons.
98) I am not Spock.
99) I am no longer allowed to say "Dammit Jim, I'm a(n) x, not a(n) x!" The joke ran its course.
100) "Row Row Your Boat" is expressly forbidden on the bridge.
101) "Kirk/Picard/Sisko/Janeway did it!" is not an excuse.
102) Not every problem can be solved by reversing the polarity, and I should stop suggesting it as the first solution to everything.
103) I am not supposed to be disappointed when the transporters don't malfunction.
104) I am no longer allowed to name newly discovered species.
105) Challenging species that have just developed Warp Drive to a race is considered in bad taste.
106) If I am challenged to a test of endurance such as climbing a mountain or a race, using the transporter is considered cheating.
107) In territorial disputes, I am not allowed to make a new border with my ship's phasers.
108) "Breen" is a species, not a color.
109) "Undine Undies" is not a thing.
110) I am not allowed to call Undine "flashers".
111) I will not make bird noises when dealing with Klingon or Romulan Birds-of-Prey.
112) Borg nanoprobes cannot be used to make mp3 players.
113) My first question when meeting a new species is not to be about "recreational procreation practices".
114) First Contact is when I meet a new species, not when I give them a contact lens.
115) I will never be able to find hot dogs in the Vendor System and will stop asking.