Things Captain Ratika is Not Allowed to Do
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Join Date: Dec 2007
02-29-2012, 12:45 PM
116). 'WWJD' ('What Would James T. Kirk Do?') is not a valid answer to any question.
117.) A bottle of Turtle Wax is not an acceptable gift for Jean Luc Picard.
118). The tribble is not an acceptable substitute for turkey on Thanksgiving Day dinner.
119). I may not trade my phaser rifle for the following items: Fire Crystals, Intoxicating or Hallucinogenic Substances, Klingon Disruptors (not even at 25 to 1), cargo vessels, shuttlecraft, cardboard cutouts of shuttlecraft, positronic brains (or any brains of any kind, in any state), the complete 'Vulcan Love Slave' series (even if signed by the actress), Ketracel White, Ferengi butlers, field artillery pieces, Trilithium Resin or Bio-memetic Gel.
120). Bynars cannot be networked together, nor should we attempt to do so.
121). I may not serve targ 'Klingon Style' at the ship's mess hall.
122). Nor may I scream 'Affirmative Action' or ask my 'Klingon Brothers' to rise up when somebody tries to stop me from serving targ 'Klingon Style'.
123). I may not start a rave inside Admiral Quinn's office...
124). ...especially when Admiral Quinn is in the office at the time.
125). I am not allowed to call Orion women in Starfleet Service by the following names: Drag Queen, Mail Order Bride, Little Lady, Moles, Mata Hari, Waitress, Baby, Honey, Sweetie, Love Puppet, or any combination of the above.
126). I will never, ever accuse escort captains of having a 'glass jaw'.
127). Nor will I nickname any science officer 'medkit'.
128). Letheans do not look like the California Raisins, nor should I imply as such.
129). I will not say the following words in cadence: Hentai, Sloppy Targ, Warp Core Breach, Moist, Inevitable Death, Redshirt, Lick, Colonist's Daughter, Funny Growth, In a Fiery Plume, and the now infamous 'Wet Mugato'.
130). Goosestepping in front of a squad of Mirror Universe officers is strictly forbidden.
131). It does not matter how important it is, but I must never accept food, drink or drugs from an alien species, under the guise of 'some sort of ritual'.
132). I may not be allowed to show the Horga'hn in the following places: My captain's chair, captains' ready room, captain's quarters, engineering, at a staff meeting, holographically projected forty feet tall on Academy grounds, during disciplinary hearings or while vacationing on Risa (also known locally as 'Ratika's Law').
133). 'For medicinal purposes' is not a blanket excuse for circumventing controlled substance laws.