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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
This is very generous of you!

This is my very first foundry mission so feedback would be seriously appreciated.

Mission Name: DS Daily 1a- A Brief Diversion
Author: tosmonkey
Minimum Level: any
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HQWN4VCI7
Estimated Mission Length: 15 minutes (20 if you pay attention to the story)
Method of Report Delivery: Any

"DS Daily 1b- Question of Faith" is currently "in production". "DS Daily 1c- The Irridian Factor" and "DS Finale 1d- No Time for Soldiers" are outlined.
Federation Mission - DS Daily 1a- A Brief Diversion
Author: tosmonkey
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQWN4VCI7

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with great maps, excellent story dialogue that draws the player in. The battles are just enough to be a nice diversion. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes those elements in a mission.

The use of the response button “Continue” is for being used in conjunction BOFF reports. The Captain should respond to a report, comment or other dialogue coming from a BOFF. In my writing I use “…” vice “Continue” for the times when a response from the player is not needed. It is of course only a recommendation and is entirely up to you and your style of writing.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is intriguing and well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue but consider adding a little more story to it. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "It was spotted near the tradelanes by a tellarite subsidized merchant" to read "It was spotted near the trade lanes by a Tellarite subsidized merchant".

Mission Task: This is a good task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Derelict in Space: This is an okay map design. The story dialogue is well written but I recommend adding a little more story to this map. Consider adding some information about the ship, if it was attacked, if not what may have happened. Although I see the point of the map to acknowledge the existence of the derelict ship it just feels like there could be a little more to the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

SS Edward T'tkarr: This is a really good map design with excellent use of tasks and execution. There are some great tutorials available about setting up multiple triggers on the same console. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button “Continue” in conjunction the “Cut the chatter. We have a job to do” and “Enough chatter. We have a job to do” feels like an odd combination. Consider changing the response button “Continue” to read “It is odd” and “You had to start, didn’t you” respectively. Also something for any use of the word “Continue” other than that.
-Consider moving the console to "Open the blast door" closer to the blast door so the player sees the blast door before the console telling them to open it. Also add an interact animation with the console.
-The post "Ship Contact" dialogue; consider changing "Well that explains why a tellarite merchantman" to read "Well that explains why a Tellarite merchantman".
-The “Captain’s Log” interaction; consider adding an interact animation with the console.
-The "Captain's Log" dialogue; consider changing "Lately though she won'ttalk with anyone" to read "Lately though she won't talk to anyone".
-The "Check Internal Sensors" interaction; consider adding an interact animation with the console. Also consider changing the button from "Interact" to "Access Internal Sensors". This will be the last note regarding adding animation for interactions with consoles as I think you get the point.
-The use of the response button “Continue” as BOFFs offer ideas or make reports needs to be looked at. Consider giving some response vice the “Continue” currently being used. This will be the last note on the use of “Continue” as I think you get the point.
-To the right side of the door the players come into the bridge there is a panel that is buried half way in the deck. I didn't think that was intentional.
-Consider taking interact characters off wander. It is annoying when you are reading their dialogue and they wander off and you have to start the dialogue all over again.

Back Aboard: This is a good map design and great wrap up to the mission. The story dialogue is well written and the battle is a nice diversion. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "The orions are right on top of us" to read "The Orions are right on top of us".
-Consider changing "It's behind a level 1 quarentine field" to read "It's behind a level 1 quarantine field".
-The post battle "Orion Commander" dialogue; consider changing "We will meet again, federation" to read "We will meet again, Federation".
-Consider changing "She's heading back towards orion space, warp 10" to read "She's heading back towards Orion space, warp 10".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and telling the story. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your missions in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 03/27/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.