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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Ranger_Ryu
May as well submit my mission for review now the dialogue has been rewritten

Mission: Crisis on Calypso
Federation: Level 31+
Mission Brief:Vice Admiral Isaac Jones (of the U.S.S. Calypso) and Task Force Ulysses have not reported to Starfleet Command, You are being sent to try and find the Task Force, but what will you discover when you arrive,and will this spell the end for Vice Admiral Jones and his Task Force?

First Foundry Mission so didn't design any maps from the beginning just used templates and added ships/objects to them (U.K Spelling in case you need to know)
Federation Mission - Crisis on Calypso
Author: Ranger_Ryu
Allegiance: Federation

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission from the map design and battles through the story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who loves a great story, combined with great maps, and good battles. Some of the maps had a few minor detail issues but nothing that detracted from the overall feel of the mission. Yes, I did notice your use of “…” vice “Continue” where appropriate.

With the limitations of the Foundry in allowing you to make the NPC’s beam out in mind, consider changing that confrontation to a taunt from an unknown location on the deck. The “Mirror Jones characters” can then taunt them. You could change the BOFF dialogue indicating they found them and then as the player moves towards that location there is further dialogue indicating that it’s too late as they are beaming out. You would then not need to put them on the map at all and therefore avoid the Foundry limitation.

I did not note this particular item as it is not a significant issue but goes more towards the persons writing style. Your use of “sir” when addressing the player, some players may not like that, but in your defense that is actually a standard military tradition dating back centuries. Especially in the Star Trek world, but also in contemporary militaries as well. The reason I pointed it out here is to give you the option on which way you wanted to go. It is your story to tell so you have to decide the best way to tell it.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an intriguing description but consider adding a little more story to it to help draw the players in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good detailed grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "They were last reported as being in the Lackey System" to read "They were last reported in the Lackey System".

Mission Task: This is a good task with a clear start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

Lackey System: This is a good map design and the optional battle is a nice diversion. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "We can either avoid the Terran Ships sir,or engage them,it's your call" to read "We can either avoid the Terran Ships, or engage them, sir".
-Consider changing the response button "I'll think it through. Resume course" and give the player two choices. The first button could be "The Calypso and her crew are our first priority", or something along those lines. The second button could be "We'll deal with them as well", or something along those lines. Both buttons would lead to successful conclusions but the player could also change their mind later in the map.

Calypso Bridge: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more debris to the map to make it look a little more damaged, maybe some additional injured crew as well.
-Consider changing the response button "Thank you for your time,best be getting to repairs" to read "Thank you for your time, best be getting to repairs".
-Consider changing the response button "I best carry on with repairs,thank you" to read "I best carry on with repairs, thank you".
-Consider changing the response button "Thank you,Captain" to read "Thank you, Captain".

Deck 7: This is a good map design with some good battles. The story dialogue is well written.
-There are two NPC to "Jhras" right rear in the corner labeled "UGC Contact". Consider giving them names or labeling them as a rank or position.
-The second boarding party was defeated before we got there. Consider changing the friendly NPC appearance and engagement to trigger when the player get’s to a reach point that covers the corner of the passageway where the 2nd Enemy engagement is located.
-While I did not die during any of the engagements I also did not see “New Respawn Point” messages. If you have not put respawn points further into the map you should consider adding at least one on the corner near the last battle.

Deck 9: This is a good map design with good battles and well written story dialogue.
-The "Check Helen Williams" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Yes.I'm sorry to say that she's dead" to read "Yes. I'm sorry to say she's dead".
-Consider changing the dialogue "Starfleet's Eight Fleet" to read "Starfleet's Eighth Fleet". I’ll address the Foundry limitation issue in my summary above.

Calypso Bridge#2: This is a good map design and wrap up to the mission. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job, especially if this is your first Foundry mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.

This critique report also filed 03/31/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.