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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
04-09-2012, 01:53 AM
Review by Evil70th part 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil70th
Federation Mission - L.F.V. Saga Ep 1: Relapse
Author: Gingie
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HH3QNN7AU

----------Report Start (Part 2)-----------

MAPS:
Aux Control: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the turbolift and spawn point closer to the “Aux Control” room.
-Consider changing "Our existance" to read "Our existence".
-The "You are a clandestine fleet" dialogue; consider changing "Thats correct" to read "That's correct".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "preform research" to read "perform research".
-The "What does that have to do" dialogue; consider changing "Its the same for everyone" to read "It's the same for everyone".
-The "I don't understand" dialogue; consider changing "That as much as I can say" to read "That's as much as I can say".
-The "Admiral Wilcott" dialogue; consider changing "You approach the pair catiously" to read "You approach the pair cautiously".
-Consider changing "De'Liah wrikles her nose" to read "De'Liah wrinkles her nose".
-The "Are you feeling better, Captain" dialogue; consider changing "phycological" to read "physiological".
-Consider changing "affected me physicly" to read "physically".
-The "Did you find anything new" dialogue; consider changing "It was enginered" to read "It was engineered".
-Consider changing "and loosed all self control" to read "and looses all self control".
-Consider changing "Corspa light up" to read "Corspa lights up".
-Consider changing "We will be making for the abbandoned outpost" to read "We will be making for the abandoned outpost".

Abandoned Outpost: This is a good map design with a tough battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The "Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "Its Romulan" to read "It's Romulan".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "No additional ships in the vacinity" to read "No additional ships in the vicinity".
-Consider changing "And not a momnet too soon" to read "And not a moment too soon".
-Consider changing "We had a confrontation with a romulan" to read "We had a confrontation with a Romulan".

Abandoned Listening Station: This is a good map design with great battles; however the map has a pathing issue that needs to be reported. It causes one of the BOFF's to get stuck in the first room, and another to get stuck in the second room. This is not something you can fix and needs to be reported to the Dev’s. The story dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], We have entered the outpost" to read "[Rank], we have entered the outpost".
-The post "Examine Databanks" dialogue; consider changing "this base was abbandoned" to read "this base was abandoned".
-Consider changing "and obviously klingon voice" to read "and obviously Klingon voice".
-Consider changing "[Rank], We have been quarantined by the look of it" to read "[Rank], we have been quarantined by the looks of it".
-The post "Find the Virus data" dialogue; consider changing "These apear to be personel reports" to read "These appear to be personnel reports".
-Consider adding more respawn points deeper into the map other than the last one.
-In one of the battles two of the Klingons appear on top of a console.
-The post "Scan the Missing Room" dialogue; consider changing "source of the Tachyon emission" to read "source of the tachyon emission".
-Consider changing "it looks like a romulan cloaking device" to read "it looks like a Romulan cloaking device".
-Consider changing "Reccomend caution" to read "Recommend caution".
-Consider setting a separate trigger to remove the door. The dialogue seems odd with the door gone and being able to see into the room.
-The post "Disable Cloaking device" dialogue; consider changing "as wel as" to read "as well as".
-The post "Revive Wilcott" dialogue; consider changing "the Andorian Fist officer" to read "the Andorian First officer".
-The "What is going on here" dialogue; consider changing the response button "So you work on Genetic enginering" to read "So you work on genetic engineering".
-Consider changing "I weild the power of god" to read "I wield the power of god".
-The "What do you have to do with" dialogue; consider changing "the mental dicipline to truly weild their strength and inteligence" to read "the mental discipline to truly wield their strength and intelligence".
-Consider changing "use my expertice" to read "use my expertise".
-The "What do you know about Wilcott" dialogue; consider changing "in a sence" to read "in a sense".
-Consider changing "the chromasome structure" to read "the chromosome structure".
-Consider changing "the chromeasome pairs" to read "the chromosome pairs".
-Consider changing "Their chromasome structure" to read "the chromosome structure".
-Consider changing "Your Starfleet Inteligence took over" to read "Your Starfleet Intelligence took over".
-Consider changing "mutation made her exceptionaly suseptable" to read "mutation made her exceptionally susceptible".
-Consider changing "The jamming device must be controled from in here somewhere" to read "The jamming device must be controlled from in here somewhere".
-Consider changing "[Rank] Send the data" to read "[Rank], send the data".
-The post "Upload Data" dialogue; consider changing "Thats it" to read "That's it".
-Consider changing "I would personaly" to read "I would personally".
-The post “Disable jamming signal” dialogue; consider changing “warriors straming in through the enterance” to read “warriors streaming through the entrance”.

Abandoned Outpost#2: This is a good map design and a nice wrap to the mission. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "proof of this treatchery and the treatchery of the" to read "proof of this treachery and the treachery of the".
-Consider changing "synthisized from" to read "synthesized from".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "The Romulan will be persued" to read "The Romulan will be pursued".
-Consider changing "will keep this even quiet" to read "will keep this quiet".
-Consider changing "report with Starfleet Inteligence" to read "report with Starfleet Intelligence".

---------End Report (Part 2)----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your story is quite intriguing and a lot of fun. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian