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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
04-11-2012, 04:27 PM
I enjoyed this Foundry mission. Like your other missions, you put some effort in the story and dialogue.

Some observations:

- I love the Argus Array. (It's HUGE!) You used the only available Foundry objects which could make a decent array, akin to the TNG version of the Argus Array (from "The Nth Degree" and "Parallels"). And you did a great job.

- I esp. loved the lighting. Bright, emerald-hued, cosmic brillance... but without a light source! I'd recommend going back into the Foundry tool and adding a star (or two) into the map.

- There were some text oddities throughout, ranging from the mission intro text (which had some bad line breaks/word wrapping), to some punctuation gaffs.

- Suggestion: Amend this text:

"Sir, I have the drones on sensors. We can activate them by approaching and activating the Activation Beacons near their locations."

to

"Sir, I have the drones on sensors. We need to approach each of the five Activation Beacons and transmit the work assignments to each."


- I would park the "Repair Drones" (Runabouts) NEXT to the Activation Beacons, not far away from each one. And I would suggest scrapping the Runabouts by going into the Costume Editor (within the Foundry tool) and create a Workbee NPC instead.


- Change this dialogue prompt:

Activate Prototype Repair Drones

to: Activate Prototype Repair Drone Group Alpha-01

(then change the other four prompts so they have UNIQUE names, like Activate Prototype Repair Drone Group Alpha-02, etc. -- whatever you choose to name them) There should be a minimum of two drones at each beacon. (You have only one drone near one of the beacons.)


- When I beamed aboard the Argus Array maintenance area, I would expect heavy smoke if that fire had been burning for a long time. (Where's automated fire suppression when you need it? lol) Add some smoke! Add some sparks coming out of the wall consoles near the fire!

- Choose between "sir" and "Sir" across the entire dialogue. Too inconsistent.

- When using "Sir" or "[Rank]" make sure you punctuate like this:

"That did it, Sir. The Halon system is now operational."
"[Rank], we should proceed further."
"It worked, Sir. The coolant is now at the proper temperature. The flow is steady through the station core."
"It appears to be working, Sir. The fires are being extinguished."
"May I add, [Rank], that it is a pleasure to serve with you."
"How are the repairs going in the core, Sir?"
"Excellent news, [Rank]."
etc.


- In the Mission objectives box (within the UI):

"Scan the maintenance core." <-- remove the period.
"Activate the Halon System and forcefield." <-- remove the period.
"Deactivate the Halon system and drop the forcefiel." <-- remove the period; change "Halon system" to "Halon System"; and change "forcefiel" to "forcefield" (or "force field" -- and make sure you use the same spelling across the entire mission dialogue)
"Scan the damaged coolant piping." <-- remove the period.
etc.

Same with many of the dialogue prompts where it's an action, not actual dialogue, like "Open the coolant valve to restore the flow." Or be consistent by using periods with all actions, all mission objective text.


- In the prompt BEFORE you get to the "Scan the damaged coolant piping" action, add green text to the dialogue box, indicating the player should look up to locate the coolant piping leak.

- I really liked your consistent use of machinery types, e.g. magnetic interlock systems.

- I'd love to see more piping/machinery in this room. Too spartan for me, but that's my taste.

- Dialogue suggestion: Change:

"It worked sir. The array is whole once again. We also were able to reach Starfleet and the ship carrying the structural repair engineers has arrived."

to:

"It worked, Sir! The array is whole once again.

We were able to reach Starfleet Command. They've dispatched the U.S.S. Quasar from the Starfleet Corps of Engineers with structural repair experts. They just warped into the sector."


(Change the following dialogue box to remove the mention of the ship just entering the system/sector.)


- Change:

"This is Captain Mok. the Argus Array appears to be whole once agan [Rank].

It seems you have done your job well. Is the Maintenance Core ready to receive our structural Repair teams?"


to: "This is Captain Mok. The Argus Array appears to be operational again.

[Rank], it seems you have done your job well. Is the Maintenance Core ready to receive our structural repair teams?"

- I like how the array is fixed at the end.


My two bars of latinum for now,
Tucana