Thread: Death Clock
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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 11
04-25-2012, 02:02 AM

Yes, like HF_Mudd noted, there were a LOT of spelling errors...

Psi Canis = Pi Canis
Danteri 1 / Danteri V - choose either numbers or Roman numerals, not each. Standardize!
"Approach Denteri 1-A" - then the mission dialog box (right side of the screen) says "Approach Denteri A"
Should read "Danteri" not "Denteri"
"If you had not stopped to ask me what your already knew you could have saved her!" = your/you; also, add a comma after "knew"
"infected" = "affected" (You are talking about delta energy, not biological matter. By base definition, radiation doesn't infect.)
"Conduct Medial Scan" = "Conduct Medical Scan" (mission dialog box, right side of the screen)
"Captain, I'm am not reading ..." = "[Rank], I'm not reading ..."
Colonial = Colonel
"Okay, okay.! Fine." = "Okay, okay! Fine."
tresspassing = tresspassing
enterence = entrance
"We are just covering our basis." basis = bases
There were three different uses of "Delta-series": Delta-Series, delta-series, Delta-series. I'd recommend standardizing on one.
admiral = Admiral
antannea = antennae
propoganda = propaganda
wreakage = wreckage
"Lets try it" = "Let's try it"

...among some other typos and punctuation errors.

* I tried to be open-minded about my character's response dialog -- the dialog which appears in the dialog box buttons. Honestly, it didn't work for me. I wasn't as critical about it during your prior Foundry Challenge (#1) mission. Too sarcastic, imho. ("Just shut up and go with it..." Um, no...)

* I didn't want my character being called "Captain." The use of the [Rank] tag would have been a better choice. Just a personal preference. Ironically, sometimes I was called by my rank, others times as "Captain."

* I would have loved to find the Fleet Admiral's shuttle. Kind of like a needle in a haystack. Each of the NPC shuttle objects could have been uniquely tagged. ("U.S.S. (name)") Then I would be racing around to find the exact shuttle where the bomb was planted. After all, they're all the same type of shuttlecraft.

UPDATE: I see you named the shuttle the "John Hunt" towards the end of the mission.

* Everytime I saw the name "Professor Debafy" I thought "Debarfy". (With apologies. )

* Given there's a bomb, it seemed weird how the characters went from rushed to casual, even detached, about the emergency.

* If there was a temporal anomaly orbiting the planet, I'd expect my crew to contact me a.s.a.p., not have it come up casually when I call my ship.

* If I just beamed up to my ship from Sentell Station, why do I need to "Get Within Communications Range"? (Think about that... )

* I did like the real world use of an O-type star. (They're indeed rare -- and quite real.) Along with the mention of hypergiants. VY Canis Majoris comes to mind.

* I liked the colony layout. You have to be careful at times not to fall off the edges, though. Especially if you check out the outer regions of the colony.

* However, it seemed strange to rendezvous with Fleet Admiral Gurley on the upper section. Maybe something about having her office up high because the Cardassians respect authority figures who are physically/architecturally elevated above them. (See the DS9 pilot episode for insights.)

* I wished there could have been rescue personnel racing onto the scene after the Fleet Admiral's shuttle blew up. (I realize this is something you, the Foundry author, could not have added without jumping to another map.)

I get the impression this wasn't fully scripted before development began. While I know you had limited time to create (and refine) your mission, it was sorely lacking in plot points and dialog.

I also didn't feel enough proper closure at the end. It ended too abruptly.

I KNOW YOU PUT TREMENDOUS EFFORT into doing this Foundry mission. This wasn't a simple mission design. If this were my mission, and I received feedback like this, I'd scratch my head and wonder how you didn't see what *I* saw when I developed it. But "Death Clock" is not one of your stronger missions, I'm sorry to say.

I gave you four stars for effort alone. I hope you can clean up the various gaffs, though.