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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 17 My response is..
04-26-2012, 10:37 AM
QUOTE=stargate525;4183103]Well, I did promise a play and a review...

Below, I've recorded my thoughts as I played. Take them in the spirit in which they were given (genuine attempt to be helpful with a dash of snark for entertainment), and do with them as you will.

_____SPOILERS BELOW_______

At the beginning of the story, you tell me that 'these are the voyages of the starship [shipname].' Uh, no, no they're not. Not at all. With that kind of introduction, I feel that this could be much better framed as an in-game holonovel.
First, thank you for the comments, I am going to go through and explain why these occur.

When real people play tested the mission over a year period of time, we originally had that as the actual ship Kaliena uses in the game. But as people were playing, it was suggested we put the players ship name in the dialog. So the script was changed to do that.

The beginning of Act 1, Scene two, the air is 'filled' with tension, not 'field.'
This is a typo. No matter how many times people go through a script, the typos will always be there. I would have to point out you did not capitalize "you" in the sentence after you point out our typo.

you have many many floor overlap errors, which are freaking me out.
This is most easily solved by dropping or raising one of the elements by a fraction.
We have tried what you suggested when the town was first laid out. The terrain there will not facilitate your one step solution. We thought it would be cool to have gray and beige tiles set at regular intervals. It also helps to measure out the town when standing on the set. Most other players did not feel this was a big issue.

I'm -fairly- certain the room with the dabo table is missing a wall.
The room with the dabo table is not missing a wall. The facing wallis a piece of glass that goes from floor to ceiling which looks like a door opening. But we thought people would figure out it is a window. Since there were not going to be any dialog staged in the room, the rooms sole purpose in the script is to just be a fancy decoration.

The third mission objective, the word you're looking for is 'converse,' not 'conversate'
This is a colloquial term used by people in that culture.

your dining room candles are floating.
Yes, the candles were staged to be floating above the table. In Star Trek, the Vulcans have mastered the technology to defy gravity. Also, the candles are a chandelier. Also, the flowers used as the food does not always appear on the map either. This is a graphical issue that we as writers cannot fix. You have to refer that problem to the special effects team at Cryptic Studios. We originally wanted to have food on the table but that is not an object option on the Foundry.

One of the first lessons you learn when writing is that, wherever possible, you show instead of tell. Emotions are especially true in this regard. Granted, while the palette of options for this is rather limited, I don't need you telling me she's angry when her portrait is angry for me to clearly see.
I do not need a first lesson.

Yes you do need to know that she is angry because it goes to establish her personality in the story which is essential to the drama. Not every player who sees the emotion are going to know "Oh, that means she is angry." The story has to express that as a fact so the reader knows it is the true feeling to get an internal perspective of Kaliena to know this topic is important to her.

The Foundry list of preset emotions in dialog is limited. The only purpose of that is to give the actor on stage some movement other then the default setting. But since her mood and emotion is described in dialog, then it is not necessary for the player to interpret the imagery.

Dr. Siror has the annoying habit of declaring what he is doing as he does it. It's redundant and breaks flow.
People have annoying habits. That is what Vulcans do.

Vulcans like to tell dramatic stories. He is an Anthropologist. It is also part of his personality at the beginning of the story.

See in a story, characters start off at a certain point. Then throughout the show, the characters grow and overcome flawed elements of their personality. If you always present your characters as “perfect people who never do things wrong or make mistakes…” then the audience is not going to be able to relate to the character in a meaningful way.

Dr. Siror, who is a real character in STO, is a proud man. He is on the verge of answering questions that he has sought for most of his life. He has been ridicule by other scientists including his daughter because of his pursuit to find evidence of the story of Cthulhu. He is in his moment of glory.

AGAIN, you use my ship name. NO. I could accept that you have your own character playing out here, but why the incongruous usage of my ship, but literally NOTHING else about my character? This shatters any sort of building immersion at pretending to be this woman.
I already explained why this occurs, but you need to let go of the idea that the story has to be all about you.

You've got persistent tense and suffix errors in the dialogue. I suggest running the whole thing through a grammar-enabled spell-checker.
Also, I am not familiar with persistent tense, In writing you have present, past, imperfect past, perfect past, pluperfect, future, future perfect, infinitive, active voice, passive voice, perfect passive participles, present active participles.

They then conjugate into first person, second person, and third person singular and plural forms.

No, in dialog, people speak in a manner that is individualized to the character. Writers are free to use improper or proper methods of formal grammar in dialog. That is how real people speak. We purposely wrote the dialog with grammar the individual character would use. Have you ever read Mr. Scott's or Mr. Chekov's dialog in a book?

Also, if we did that, then we would deny the players who like to go out and point out what is wrong with a script their fun. Mistakes are good, it is how we learn and grow as a society of writers.

I'm... confused, I guess, is the name of the town. The town where T'pol came from was not named 'Capitol City,' it was THE capitol. Of all of Vulcan. Having shifted it's name like that would be like changing the name of New York City to The Grover Cleveland University Town, and then again to the Mary-Jane, Grover Cleveland University Town. The name simply makes no sense whatsoever.
It does make sense.

No, in Enterprise and on Memory Alpha site, the town T’Pol was from was Capitol City. We changed the name in our story to T’Pol University Town to pay homage to T’Pol and give the player some anchor to the historical nature of the town. Also, we felt T’Pol University Town would be a good name to start with because UGC_223000718999811999_000111928263738] would be too long for people to pronounce when the mayor honored her by renaming the town.

[Continued on next post]