I'm pointing out typos and spelling errors to you in a desire to help. Please don't get defensive on me over those.

In fact, please don't get defensive at all. I am genuinely trying to help by pointing out what I feel are errors in the story and presentation. Like I said before, take them as you will, but please don't attack me for them.
Fair enough on that limitation. For me, it's a jarring annoyance and serve no aesthetic purpose.

It's actually a back-formation, and I highly doubt that precise, logical Vulcans would use this dialect.

Alright, but it's odd when they only hover about a foot off the table, and the wax puddles into the sky...

I thought you were telling a story with characterization. We are in a visual medium. the VISUAL aspect can't simply be ignored. We aren't stupid. The emotional choices of the contact list is VERY MUCH to display anger, sadness, and fear. They work passably well, and I can't think of a single time I've been confused on someone's emotion when those are used with the amount of dialogue that you have.

Please don't get condescending.

It's not so much him as how his character is written. You have, in action text, "He raises his glass for a toast" and then have him say "I raise my glass for a..." Most scripts don't have those kinds of stage actions, as the actors are clever enough to figure out that if you say you're doing something, you probably are going to be physically doing it.

I've got no problem with it being about her. What I have a problem with is this half-hearted insistence that I am both supposed to be playing her, and watching her.

Apparently not familiar with adjectives, however. In my sentence, both persistent and tense modify 'errors.' I mean that you have tense errors, which are persistent throughout the work.

And I am not arguing against dialect. However, you have cast a group of almost entirely Vulcans. They are expected to speak in correct, typically high-class and educated dialect. Grammatical errors like that are not typical.

...You're seriously saying that grammar, spelling, and script errors in a finished product are GOOD? Yes, making mistakes is a way to grow, but only when paired with acknowledging them and correcting them. There is a reason that newspapers publish retractions and corrections. They don't leave them in there to provide critics their 'fun.' In fact, as a critic, I find having to point out the simple grammar and spelling stuff rather tedious. I'd much rather address the important bits of a story than its means of conveyance.

Ahem... From Memory Alpha:

"Raised in a house near the capital city on Vulcan, young T'Pol had and cared for a pet Sehlat."

Emphasis mine. The capitol city refers to a city which is a capitol. It is NOT the name of the city itself. Besides, you also have 'near' in there. I live near Chicago. This does not mean I live IN Chicago, or that they have any right to claim me.

They go towards the same thing, in that my opinion is that there should be less staging and non-speech directives in the text boxes.

And your comments are confusing me further. Should I be approaching this as a novel that I'm reading, a play that I'm acting in, a play that I am watching, or a traditional mission?

In regards to passion. I'm asking that the thing be playable for those of us who don't have our acting troupe in STO. If you want me to ignore the dialogue I don't like and mentally insert what I want... Why are you using this format at all?

I have no problems with the dream sequence, actually, except that it could be slightly more... dreamlike. I'm not a big fan of how Alan Hunt is introduced, as 'this character you should already know about.' I don't, and I have no way of knowing it. In a play, characters do not typically get their background and past interactions given to the audience, beyond a VERY basic role in the program, to allow a small bit of anchoring. They certainly don't dump entire past interactions. Instead, those are left for the actors to show via their actions and speech.

I didn't say anything about the difficulty. I found them actually difficult, considering I'm on Elite. Given their placements, there is also no path between your objectives available to not draw aggro. IN fact, given the revelation at the end of the dream, making clearing the station a requirement might not be a bad idea.

Enlighten me. In a short paragraph, what am I missing?



Go to your room.
Go to your room!

Both are commands. One implies that you are shouting. After a string of them, I got the distinct impression that I was hollering at the toilet like it was hard of hearing. I also understand comic relief. But this small bit struck me as a bit too much of a mood whiplash.

....I fail to understand why an introduction doesn't need player interaction. In a novel, we interact via reading. In TV, we do it by watching. In games, we do it by DOING. There is very little interaction in the introduction.

There's a reason that Star Wars Episode I wasn't a novel, then episode II a TV series, episode III a play, and episode IV a video game. These mediums have very different tools at their disposal, very different audiences, and very different expectations and limitations by their format. Jumbling them together produces a hybrid.

What you have here, in fact anything you will do in the foundry, is going to be a video game hybridized with something else. As that, it will already be burdened by having to establish its own rules and style. Constantly shifting them is only going to make things worse.

I'm nor confounded by having control, I'm confounded by who I'm put in control OF. Am I Kaliena, or am I my bridge officer? Am I both? Neither?

You've run over an hour of us as a standby observer. You have trained us to expect this. Of COURSE you're going to get confusion and annoyance when you decide to change that.

Just because there is a reason doesn't mean that there can't be a thin excuse. It's the casual way he shrugs off the anomaly, on a planet that's been warp and transporter capable for centuries, that irks me. There is no 'it's unusual, and I've forwarded it to the Vulcan Science committee for investigation' or 'It always happens this time of year' or any other explanation given to us besides 'I don't know.' It doesn't have to be the real one, but it has to satisfy the question of 'Why this seemingly incongruous block?'


You do realize these are contradictory, right? If you want us, the player, to be Kaliena, then you need to allow our avatar to stand in for that person. It's a game of pretend. We're suspending the fact that our avatar Jake the Bartender is not a pregnant half-vulcan woman for purposes of the story.

Having said pregnant half-vulcan woman standing right next to us makes that very difficult.


You also keep talking about playtesters. That's fine. But I am also a playtester. I am giving you this information to do with as you will, given my impressions and how I responded to the work. Don't tell me that I'm wrong when I give you my suggestions, whether you're going to use them or not. It smacks of arrogance and condescension.