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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Crazy_Borg
Ah, I clearly overlooked this thread.
Well, if someone offers to review a mission in detail I won't say no.

So, this is my first foundry mission.

Mission Name: Broken Wings of Pegasus
Author: Crazy_Borg
Minimum Level: 16+ or above
Allegiance: FED
Estimated Mission Length: about an hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

I will appreciate any improvements you may have. I haven't played many other foundry missions before, so I don't know what has or has not been done before.
Please do your magic.
Federation Mission - Broken Wings of Pegasus
Author: Crazy_Borg
Allegiance: Federation

----------Report (Part 1) Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission overall with well designed maps and tough battles. There are several spelling and grammatical errors throughout much of the dialogue. I suspect most of those issues are caused by English not being your primary language. I have to say you are ahead of me as I can barely order beer in German Despite the issues below I would still recommend this mission as the overall story and map design make it worth playing. It is a long mission and does seem to start off a little slow but once it picks up it is taking you for a ride.

I noted the lower case spelling of most of the factions and races in the dialogue, for example “romulan” vice “Romulan” and so on. It is noted in several places below but I wanted you to understand it is spread throughout the dialogue. This is an issue that can be easily missed but can also be a distraction for the player. At least a player like me who likes to read the dialogue. Consider going over the dialogue and making sure that you properly capitalize the factions and races within the mission.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an intriguing description and is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "near the romulan border" to read "near the Romulan border".
-Consider changing "before the romulans can make use" to read "before the Romulans can make use".

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Greetings, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "Greetings, [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "We know you have time at the moment, and your recent achievements left quite an impression" to read "We appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to take on this mission".
-Consider striking the line "You are the perfect person for this mission, [Nickname]".
-Consider changing "should some of this secrets surface" to read "should some secrets surface".
-Consider changing "A lot of heads would roll at Starfleet if certain information from that Starbase would uncover" to read "Let's just say that it would not be good for some highly placed officials in Starfleet if any of the information from that Starbase was made public".
-Consider striking the whole line that begins "And an internal scandal".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Grab the PADD hidden in the plant below[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]The PADD is hidden in the plant below. Good luck[/MissionInfo]".
-Consuder changing the response button "On my way" to read "I'm on my way".

Mission Task: The initial mission task should have the location of the NPC the player needs to talk to, or the location of the first custom map, including the sector block. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: The dialogue from my Tactical BOFF seems unprofessional for a Starfleet Officer. Consider shortening the entire dialogue to "Are you ready to beam up Captain".

Lapolis System: Starbase 512: This is a very intriguing map with a nice battle. The story is very interesting but the dialogue needs a lot of work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "And we have company" to read "We have company [Rank]".
-Consider striking the "Typical" and "They seem to plunder the place for valuables" lines.
-Conisder changing "We can't let them get any more intel or technologie from the debris field" to read "We cannot let them get away with anything they may have salvaged from the debris field".
-Consider changing "If they don't want to leave we have to engage them before we can investigate what is left of the station" to read "We need to prevent them from escaping".
-Consider changing the response button "If that is the only language they understand" to read "Red alert, shields up".
-The post "Scan the debris" dialogue; consider changing "Yepp, that is what's left of Starbase 512" to read "The debris is definitely from Starbase 512".
-Consider changing "Strangely, theses hull fragments also show no visible weapon damage" to read "This is strange. There are no visible indications of weapons damage on the hull fragments".
-Consider changing "No, their weapons are nowhere that powerful" to read "The Orion ships weapons were nowhere near powerful enough to have destroyed the station and a starship".
-Consider changing "of value like a ferengi at an all-you-can-eat-buffet" to read "of value like a Ferengi at an all-you-can-eat-buffet".
-The post "Scan the Satellite" dialogue; consider changing "but last ship entering the system" to read "but the last ship entering the system".
-Consider changing "or it used a fake transponder signal of the Esteban" to read "or the transponder signal was a fake".
-Consider changing "We've being hailed on a secure channel" to read "We're being hailed on a secure channel".
-Consider changing the response button "Put it in my office" to read "Patch it to my ready room".
-The "Admiral DeNyle" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], please report your findings" to read "[Rank] [LastName], please report your findings".
-Consider changing "for a secret federation cloak device" to read "for a secret Federation cloaking device"
-Consider changing "That cloak device was" to read "That cloaking device was".
-Consider changing "forbid the Federation to develop a cloak device to ensure peace with the romulans" to read "forbid the Federation from developing a cloaking device and ensure peace with the Romulans".
-Consider changing "Several high rank starfleet officers" to read "Several high ranking Starfleet officers".
-Consider changing "Look this cloak device was not a simple" to read "Look this cloaking device was not a simple".
-Consider changing "like standard klingon and romulan cloaks" to read "like standard Klingon or Romulan cloaking devices".
-Consider changing "so technical" to read "So technically".
-Consider changing "invisble to sensors and leaves no trace" to read "invisible to sensors, leaving no trace".
-Consider changing "The cloak device was integrated" to read "The cloaking device was integrated".
-Consider changing "Pressman ordered to prepare the device for a second test" to read "Pressman ordered the crew to prepare for a second test".
-Consider changing "When the first officer ordered to shut down the cloaking device" to read "When the first officer ordered the shutdown of the cloaking device".
-Consider changing "and the ship moved out of phase and rematerialised inside an asteroid" to read "and the ship moved out of phase, rematerializing inside an asteroid".
-Consider changing "sealed in the asteroid by the romulans" to read "sealed in the asteroid by the Romulans".
-Consider changing "Outside, Picard ordered to deactivate the cloak in front of the romulan warbird" to read "Outside, Picard ordered the cloak deactivated in front of the Romulan warbird".
-Consider changing "This event brought massively diplomatic issues with the romulans" to read "This caused a serious diplomatic situation with the Romulans". Throughout this mission so far I noted several instances where factions have not been capitalized. From this point forward I will no longer note this but will cover it in the summary above.
-Consider changing "Several high rank Starfleet behind the cloak device received court martial, including Pressman" to read "Several high ranking Starfleet officers involved in the incident received a court martial, including Pressman".
-Consider changing "No idea which one of it is the reality, but definitely the romulans don't have it" to read "Who knows which one is true, but one thing is for sure, the Romulans do not have it".
-Consider changing "but we are sure romulan spies catched some parts of it" to read "but we are sure Romulan spies caught some parts of it".
-Consider changing "His logs clearly states that there was a second cloaking device" to read "His logs clearly state that there was a second cloaking device".
-Consider changing the response button "And the romulans are trying to get it now." to read "So now the Romulans are trying to get that second device?" -Consider changing "but we thought it was useless and safe. But now both is wrong" to read "but we thought it was of no importance until the logs went public".
-Consider changing "is currently trying to cover his tracks, I presume" to read "is currently trying to cover their tracks.
-Consider changing the response button "What you want me to do" to read "What do you want me to do".
-Consider changing "There might be still time" to read "There might still be time".

---------End (Part 1) Report----------