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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Federation Mission - Broken Wings of Pegasus
Author: Crazy_Borg
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HALK3TWBL

----------Report (Part 2) Start-----------

Devolin System 01: This is a good map design with a nice battle. The story dialogue is well written but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; the use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-Consider changing “They sweep the area and have powered up their disruptors” to read “They conducted a sensor sweep and have powered their weapons”.
-Consider changing “There is a possibility that the romulans have no clue about our current mission and their presence here is just a coincidence” to read “There is a possibility that the Romulans have no idea we are here and their presence here is just a coincidence”.
-Consider changing “[Rank], it is important that the romulans won’t find the Pegasus first” to read “[Rank], we need to find the Pegasus before the Romulans”.
-Consider changing “We have to engage them before we start searching for the Pegasus” to read “We will need to remove the Romulan patrols before we can search the asteroids”.
-The post “Scan asteroid gamma” dialogue; consider changing “Stucked in solid rock, amazing” to read “Stuck in solid rock, amazing”.
-Consider changing “There is still some power left on the ship” to read “There are trace amounts of power throughout what remains of the ship”.

Pegasus Deck 4: This is a great map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "It seems some of the rocks in this asteroid interrupt with our equipment" to read "It seems something in the rocks of this asteroid interfere with our equipment".
-The post "Get to the computer core" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], it looks like" to read "[Rank] [LastName], it looks like".
-In the "Cargo Bay" there are several crates that are on top of each other and sticking out of each other.
-For the crate search consider setting them up like the asteroid search on the previous map where the player goes to one and dialogue pops up and says “Nothing in this one” or words to that effect. Then the player goes to the next crate and the next in a similar fashion.
-The post "Call ship" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], we just" to read "[Rank] [LastName], we just".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.

Devolin System 02: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The "Map Transfer" dialogue; consider changing "Ship is ready for emergency warp, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "Ship is ready for emergency warp, [Rank]".

Mutara Nebula: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we just dropped out of Warp" to read "[Rank], we just dropped out of warp".
-Consider changing "Strange, the [ShipName] is nowhere near the coordinates we intended" to read "Strange, we are nowhere near the coordinates we intended".
-Consider changing "This looks like the Morena Nebula, Sir" to read "This looks like the Mutara Nebula, sir". I noted the map name is Mutara not Morena.
-Consider changing "First tests indicate that it is based on iconian technologie" to read ""First tests indicate that it is based on Iconian technology".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The use of “iconian” vice “Iconian”. This will be discussed in the summary above.

Base - Docking Area: This is a nice map design and the story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider naming the NPC's surrounding Captain Tarlek. Currently they are all labeled "UGC Contact".
-The "Commander Tarlek" dialogue; consider changing "I think you may have some questions, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "I think you may have some questions, [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "We know about you since you showed up at Starbase 512" to read "We've know about you since you showed up at Starbase 512".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-Consider changing "it would be a shame if there is no [Nickname] on the bridge" to read "it would be a shame if there is no [LastName] on the bridge".
-Consider changing "Not bigger weapons are the future, computer viruses are" to read "Bigger weapons are not the future, computer viruses are".

Base - Prison Area: This is a good map design with some nice battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "If we would transport a prisoner" to read "If we transported a prisoner".
-Consider changing the response button "It feeled" to read "It felt".
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan” or "federation" vice "Federation". This will be discussed in the summary above.
-Consider changing "use the transporter they found on that station" to read use the transporter they found on this station".
-The "Frightened Ensign" dialogue; consider changing "I'll beg you" to read "I beg you".
-The "Name and serial number" dialogue; consider changing "This Ensign is clearly under shock" to read "This Ensign is clearly in shock".
-The dialogue from the Tactical BOFF is not professional and neither is the players response. Consider changing both to something more professional or remove that choice all together.
-Consider adding respawn points deeper into the map.
-The map has some pathing issues that you may want to report to the Dev’s so they can fix them.

Base - Crew Area: This is a good map design with some tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The post "Check desk" dialogue; consider changing "I copied it for later studies" to read "I copied it for later study".
-Consider changing "It could proof useful" to read "It could prove useful".
-Consider removing the post "Sit down" dialogue. It does not serve to drive the story.
-Consider adding respawn points deeper into the map.

Mutara Nebula 2: This is a good map design with a good battle. The story dialogue is well written and is a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of “romulan” vice “Romulan”. This will be discussed in the summary above.
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname]" to read [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "such a dangerous criminal, [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "such a dangerous criminal, [Rank] [LastName]".

---------End (Part 2) Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and once you fix the issues I found it will be an even better mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 05/05/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.