Thread: Komahashi Maru
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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by intrinsical View Post
Hi Evil, please kindly review my first serious attempt at creating a foundry mission. This mission is also part one of what should hopefully be a five mission story arc. I am currently working on part two, hopefully I will be able to publish it in a week or two.

Mission Name: Eclipse #1: Komahashi Maru
Author: intrinsical
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Starfleet
ST-HJBWPEPE9
Estimated Mission Length: Around 30 minutes
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
Federation Mission - Eclipse #1: Komahashi Maru
Author: intrinsica
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJBWPEPE9

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: For your first serious attempt at creating a Foundry mission it is a great mission. It does start out a little slow but picks up rapidly becoming a fun roller coaster of a ride with good twists and turns. You found a good balance of dialogue, interactive tasks and combat that kept me riveted throughout the mission. I do recommend you balance the combat a little more as it was pretty tough on normal and I imagine it would be quite difficult if not impossible on elite. Despite that I would highly recommend this mission to all players who love a great story combined with good interactive tasks and challenging combat.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: The initial mission task should contain the start location for the first custom map. Even though I knew it is located at Starfleet Academy, Main Building, it still took me a few minutes to locate the entrance.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Galaxy Simulation: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "What can you tell me about this course" dialogue; consider changing "My orders was to report here" to read "My orders were to report here".
-Consider changing "Like you, the orders is authentic and anonymous" to read “"Like you, the orders are authentic and anonymous"
-From a plot perspective so far the dialogue, "Like you, the orders is authentic and anonymous" seems odd as the player has not mentioned anything about the nature of our orders. If this was intentional to give the player a clue that something is not quite right then their needs to be a response in the dialogue for the player appropriate to that. Perhaps one of the away team BOFFs asks to speak with the player and then mentions the suspicious nature of the commander’s dialogue.
-Both Ensign T'Les and Cadet Tang refer to themselves as navigators. Consider changing Cadet Tang to indicate he is a certified Helmsman.
-The Chief Medical Officer and the Botanist are standing to far from the console and is typing in mid air.
-Consider changing "the bird of prey is too fast and maneouverable" to read "the bird of prey is too fast and maneuverable".

Galaxy Interior: This is a great map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is very well written and detailed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I like your use of the optional dialogue triggers however I can see the martini glasses lying on the deck for each dialogue. Consider lowering the Y axis by about -0.025 or so to bury them in the deck.
-Consider changing Commander Rem Brott post initial dialogue to optional as well so that it goes away after the player has completed all the other optional dialogue. It looked odd when you have completed all the optional dialogue with the other crew members and see an information indicator over her. When you talk to her your only option is “All tasks are complete”.
-Battle balancing, I understand the effect you are going for with the overwhelming strength of the enemy mobs but try to achieve a little more balance. The fights are pretty tough on normal level so I imagine they would be nearly impossible on elite.
-Consider reworking the location of the holo display platform. The set up seems odd since in order to use the ramps to get to it you have to go down from the trilithium location and all the way around getting to the holo display. Perhaps rotate both platforms so the ramps face the middle of the room and move them to give enough room in between them.
-Consider changing "The Klingons are on a different continent, separated a vast ocean" to read "The Klingons are on a different continent, separated by a vast ocean".
-For the post "Find General M'Bok" dialogue you need to add a barrier that prevents the enemy mobs from engaging the player while they try to finish reading your dialogue. Another option is to set the trigger further down the passage away from the entrance to give the player time to read that dialogue.
-Consider placing another respawn point closer to the “General M'Bok” battle area.
-Consider changing the Amon Reese appearance animation. It looks good initially but due to the limitation of the Foundry he keeps beaming in over and over again.

Holodeck: This is a good map design with well written story and is a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The spawn point appears to be slightly above the ground. When the player spawns they drop to the deck. Check the spawn point position.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 06/03/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.