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Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 941
Originally Posted by diogene0
Hi, Evil70th. I just finished the second part of my mission in two parts. Ideally i'd like a review on both of them, but if you don't have time or don't want to do it, pick one, i'll be happy with that.

Missions Name: You won't be borg (1/2)
Author: diogene0
Minimum Level: 46
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length: 20 to 30 minutes each, but i'm not sure. Please let me know how long it took.
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post, this thread will be perfect.

Thanks for your help !
Federation Mission - You won't be borg (1/2)
Author: diogene0
Allegiance: Federation

----------Report Start Part 2-----------

Surplus Depot Z16: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "This room is clear of borg presence" to read "This room is clear of Borg".
-Consider changing "We may get access to what?s left of internal sensors systems, I see a secondary computer access here" to read "I see a computer console near the door. We may be able to access internal sensors there".
-Consider changing the mission task "Check internal sensors reading" to read "Check internal sensor readings".
-The post "Check internal sensors reading" dialogue; consider changing "We can?t access to the sensors of the station from this console, [Rank]" to read "This console is unable to access internal sensors, [Rank]"
-Consider striking the line "The assimilation room".
-Consider changing "People crying for help, desperately, and the borg doing their dirty job" to read "There are people crying for help in the room just down the hall. The Borg are assimilating them".
-Consider changing "We have to save those people, sir, They are starfleet. They are people, flesh and blood, not machines" to read "We have to save those people, they are people, flesh and blood, not machines".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Clear the way to the command center, and rescue the starfleet officers stuck in the assimilation room[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Clear the way to the command center, and rescue the Starfleet officers being assimilated[/MissionInfo]".
-The approach the "assimilation room" dialogue; consider changing "Sir, I feel sick, let?s do that quickly so that we can leave this horror as soon as possible" to read "Sir, let?s stop the Borg from assimilating these people".
-Plot point; there is no mention in the dialogue of "Hacking Borg nodes" but there is a mission task directing the player to do so. Consider adding dialogue to the initial dialogue that mentions accessing the Borg nodes.
-Consider changing the mission task "Hack borg nodes to get acess to the command center" to read "Hack Borg nodes to get access to the command center"
-The battles need to be better balanced. There are too many high level enemy mobs on the entire map. I got killed 5 times before I was able to beat down one group in the "assimilation room". It is difficult on Normal and would most likely be impossible on Elite.
-Consider changing the interaction button "Hack borg node" to read "Hack Borg node" throughout the map.
-Consider changing "Does some starfleet officers still fight here ?" to read "Are there still Starfleet personnel fighting here?".
-Consider changing "Now, we should be able to access to the sensors of the station in the command center" to read "Now we should be able to access the sensors from the command center".
-Consider changing "I hope we won?t have to fight any longer, the team looks a bit exhausted" to read "The team is exhausted, we need to finish off these Borg".
-The post "Collect dada" dialogue; consider changing "The main computer memory bank was damaged during the borg attack, [Rank]" to read "The connection to the computer?s main memory bank was damaged during the Borg attack, [Rank]".
-Consider changing "We only have an access to secondary systems" to read "Only secondary systems are available".
-Consider changing "We need to fix it" to read "We?ll need to fix the connection to access the sensor data".
-Consider changing the response button "No other option ?" to read "No other option?".
-Plot point; following the above response button from the player, which asks the question "No other option?" there is no further dialogue responding to the player. That seems odd. Consider having the science BOFF say "I?m afraid not, [Rank]".
-Consider changing "Phaser blasts, hurry up !" to read "Phaser blasts, hurry up!"
-Plot point; the line "Phaser blasts, hurry up" causes the player to run down the ramp and into a force field preventing them from assisting the Starfleet personnel fighting the Borg in the room. There is no indication of lowering the force field by hacking the nodes, which leaves the player to figure that out by reading the mission tasks. Consider adding dialogue to the "Phaser blasts, hurry up" dialogue that indicates the need to hack the Borg force field controls.
-Consider rotating the nodes on the left side of the passageway so they face in like the other nodes on the right side.
-The post "Attempt to lower the forcefield" dialogue; consider changing the response button "We can?t be responsible for every death happening" to read "We cannot prevent every death".
-The "We have a mission" response button dialogue; consider changing "Yes sir ! Memory banks first, sir !" to read "Yes sir! Restore the memory banks first, sir!".
-Consider changing the response button "Irony ? Millions of lives may be at stake" to read "Irony? There may be millions of lives at stake".
-The "We can?t be responsible" response button dialogue; consider changing "Understood. But I still feel bad when our fellow officers die for no reason" to read "Yes sir, but it feels as if they all died in vain".
-Consider changing the response button "We may save many more people ifwe focus on our job" to read "We will save many more lives if we focus on the task at hand".
-Consider moving the "Collect sensor data" console to the left. Part of the console is sticking through a bulkhead support strut.
-The post "Collect sensor data" dialogue; consider changing "Now, we can have a better insight on the current situation" to read "This data should give us better insight on the current situation".
-Consider changing "The chronometric particles we noticed are a clue about the reasons of this invasion" to read "The chronometric particles we detected earlier may be a clue to what is behind this invasion".
-Consider changing "The particles indicate that several ships were sent to the 24th century" to read "Based on sensor readings it appears the Borg sent several ships back in time to the 24th century".
-Consider changing "This would explain many things. Why would the borgs want old federation ships. And why did they left some troops here. This was a decoy, we lost time, sir" to read "This explains why the Borg wanted old Federation ships. Also the Borg forces we encountered here were intended to delay us, and they have succeeded".
-Consider changing "I know your rank, [Rank], and you could try to stop them at once, but it may be time to contact starfleet command" to read "[Rank], we need to notify Starfleet command immediately".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You may want to play[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The adventure continues in[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Thanks for playing this mission ![/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Thanks for playing this mission![/OOC]".

---------End Report Part 2----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the development of this mission. With some tweaking of the dialogue and adjusting the battles a little this will be a great mission. I look forward to evaluating your next mission in this series as I want to see what happens next.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".

Last edited by evil70th; 06-24-2012 at 02:49 PM. Reason: Format error in forum posting.