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Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 789
Originally Posted by diogene0
Hi, Evil70th. I just finished the second part of my mission in two parts. Ideally i'd like a review on both of them, but if you don't have time or don't want to do it, pick one, i'll be happy with that.

Missions Name: You won't be borg (2/2) ;
Author: diogene0
Minimum Level: 46
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length: 20 to 30 minutes each, but i'm not sure. Please let me know how long it took.
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post, this thread will be perfect.

Thanks for your help !
Federation Mission - You won't be borg (2/2)
Author: diogene0
Allegiance: Federation

----------Report Start Part 1-----------

Summary: This is a good mission in the series with good map design and several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written but, as with the previous mission, there are several spelling and grammatical errors that need to be fixed. I am pretty sure I caught most of them below. Despite the issues with the spelling and grammar in the dialogue I would still recommend this mission and the series too other players. It was fun.

Since I already addressed the battle balancing issue in the previous report I will not address it here anymore than I have already done below. Suffice to say I feel the battles need balancing.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a nice short description. You may want to add a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Now that you have uncovered the first part of the borg projetcts, it's time to report to Starfleet, since you decided not to act on your own" to read "You have uncovered a Borg plot to apparently assimilate the past using old Federation ships. Report your findings to Starfleet and receive new orders".
-Consider removing "Ask for orders, and don't forget your remodulators !" dialogue.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is an intriguing grant dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Sir, Starfleet answered to our mission report with a set of coordinates on the emergency frequency. It's quite unusual, but something important must be happening right now. I suggest we set course to those coordinates as soon as possible" to read "[Rank], Starfleet responded to our mission report on the emergency channel. This is odd; the response is a set of coordinates and nothing else. Should we proceed to those coordinates?".

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

New earth System: This is a good map design with some tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "New earth System" to read "New Earth System".
-Consider changing "Unknown ship, this is Admiral Sezzva. your are not registred into our database. However, you transponder is broadcasting a starfleet identity" to read "Unknown ship, this is Admiral Sezzva. You are not registered in our database; however your transponder is broadcasting a Starfleet identity".
-Consider changing "[Rank], this is supposed to be a starfleet outpost, not a Fleet Yard. And we have no record of an ?Admiral Sezzva?. Something weird is happening here" to read "[Rank], something odd is going on here, this is supposed to be a Starfleet outpost, not a fleet yard. There is no record of an ?Admiral Sezzva? either".
-Consider changing the response button "Let?s answer to their call" to read "Let?s respond to their hail".
-Consider changing "Unknown ship, we have detected a borg fleet incoming" to read "Unknown ship, we have detected a Borg fleet inbound".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "Seriously, what?s happening here ? Is that how starfleet performs against the borg now ?" to read "What?s going on here? Is this how Starfleet handles the Borg now?".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You :[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You:[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]New Earth ?" And what happened to Starfleet ? This fleet performed very poorly against the borg, although they didn?t seem stronger than usual from here[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]New Earth?" What happened to Starfleet? The fleet performed very poorly against the Borg, although they didn?t seem stronger than usual[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "Please beam on board of New Earth Spacedock, someone is willing to meet you" to read "Please proceed to the New Earth Spacedock, the President would like to speak with you".
-Consider changing "about where we are and what is happening right here" to read "about where we are and what is going on".
-Consider changing the response button "Don?t be paranoid, commander. These people died" to read "We should proceed with caution until we know what is going on".

New Earth Spacedock: This is a good map design with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider balancing the enemy mobs. There are too many high level enemy mobs on this map. It is very difficult on Normal and would probably be impossible on Elite.
-Consider changing the mission task "Attempt to rescue federation officers" to read "Attempt to rescue Federation officers".
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Sir, we are on board of this" to read "Sir, we are onboard this".
-Consider changing "there are many federation citizens, surrounded by drones" to read "there are many Federation citizens, surrounded by drones".
-Consider changing "It?s our duty, as starfleet officers" to read "It?s our duty as Starfleet officers".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Rescue as many starfleet officers as possible[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Rescue as many Starfleet officers as possible[/MissionInfo]".
-The post "Attempt to rescue federation officers" dialogue; consider changing "Should we try to reach it ?" to read "Should we try to reach it?".
-The "Commander Yuli" dialogue; consider changing the response button "But we may help eachother" to read "But we may help each other".
-Consider changing the response button "Who cares ?" to read "Who cares?"
-Consider changing "I?m attempting to counter a borg hacking" to read "I?m attempting to counter a Borg hacking".
-Consider changing "This is why I really don?t need any distraction right now" to read "This is why I don?t need any distractions right now".
-Consider changing the response button "The president ? Why is the president here ?" to read "The President? Why is the President here?".
-Consider changing the response button "What do you expect from me ?" to read "What do you expect from me?". At this point I will stop noting specific dialogue and response buttons with punctuation issues and simply note the map it is on.
-Consider changing "He came here to discuss about it with the Fleet Admiral and some of our scientists" to read "He came here to discuss your report with the Fleet Admiral and some of our scientists"
-Consider changing "[OOC]You : I?m ok to stop the map, but the defense grid and the sickbay ?[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You: I can stop the astronomical calculations and engineering protocol, but the defense grid and sickbay relays?[/OOC]"
-Consider changing the "Report to Commander Yuli" to be a communication from the commander once the player achieves the last task. It is mildly annoying to have to run all the way across the map for a single line from the NPC to go all the way back across the map to see another NPC.
-Consider changing "He will answer to your questions" to read "He will answer your questions".
-The President dialogue; consider changing "Unfortunately, this is not a fake" to read "Unfortunately, this is quite real".
-Consider changing "We?ve recieved your report" to read "We?ve received your report".
-Consider changing "Then you must know about the wolf 359 battle, [LastName]" to read "Then you must know about the battle of Wolf 359, [LastName]".
-Consider changing "Mine never saw the USS Enterprise savining Earth shortly after the battle" to read "Mine never saw the USS Enterprise saving Earth shortly after the battle".
-Consider changing "Your task is to rescue the USS enterprise, [LastName]" to read "Your task is to rescue the USS Enterprise, [LastName]".
-Consider changing "We can?t handle more borg attacks now" to read "We can?t handle more Borg attacks".

---------End Report Part 1----------

To be continued in Part 2 of this report.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".

Last edited by evil70th; 06-24-2012 at 03:05 PM. Reason: Format issue with forum posting.