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Lieutenant
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 81
# 257
08-19-2012, 01:59 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by evil70th View Post
Federation Mission - Fate: Arcadia
Author: xxxseadog117xxx
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST- HUN4G6NDY

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great concept for a mission and you have done a pretty good job with it so far, especially considering this is your first attempt at creating a mission. The overall length is more than an hour with the combination of battles and story dialogue. You may want to cut back some of the battles and interactions or create some "Skip Dialogue" options that will provide the player with a summary of what they need to know to complete the mission. Based on the number of spelling and grammatical errors I listed below I am going to guess English is not your primary language. You are still way ahead of me as I can only order beer and ask where the bathroom is in about 5 different languages. With that in mind I have spent extra time detailing specific recommendation for dialogue changes to help improve the mission. Your battle balancing is pretty good for having done this for the first time. The battles were tough but pretty well coordinated with assisting forces when needed.

Your use of the response button "Continue" was a little excessive for me. As I have always said there is a good place for this to be used but it is usually when the player is reading a log entry or something along those lines. In those cases there is no reason for the player to respond, but when a BOFF makes a report, or there is a statement made by an NPC that needs a response it should be made. Consider revisiting your response button choices to bring them more in line with the dialogue that precedes them. In addition to this I noted a number of times where dialogue strings could be combined to make the story flow more smoothly. The constant loop back to a "Talk to NPC" buttons can get a little tedious.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit. I hope this report helps you.

Mission Description: This is a very detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Now Klingons are advancing in the Neutral Zone and is about to invade Arcadia" to read "Now Klingons are advancing in the Neutral Zone and are about to invade Arcadia"
-Consider changing "You, the captain of your ship, is assigned to help with the defense force" to read "You are assigned to aid the planetary defense forces".
-Consider changing "When a horrible evil strikes, Arcadia is in question of protection" to read "When things go wrong the Arcadians start to doubt the Federations resolve".
-Consider changing "Their questioning, could become a great war larger than the current Klingon War" to read "The Arcadian doubts could lead to a larger war that would dwarf the current war with the Klingons".
-Consider deleting "Join the quest of destinies in the first episode of Fate".
-The warning regarding the BOFFs getting stuck; if you tested it in the Foundry map pathing is not fully implemented until the mission is published. If it continues to be a problem after publishing then examine the location where the BOFFs get stuck and fix it.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "When they hitted that mark, they became a independent government" to read "When they reached that level they became declared themselves an independent government.
-Consider changing "They just got a new federation starbase, Starbase 228" to read "A new Federation Starbase, designation 228, was just completed".
-Consider changing "Recently, Klingon ships were sighted in a direction the the Maeiwski System We believe they will attack" to read "Intelligence reports a Klingon fleet was heading in the direction of the Maeiwski System. We believe they intend to attack".
-Consider changing "Your mission is to link with the Arcadian Defense Fleet" to read "Your mission is to link up with the Arcadian Defense Forces".

Mission Task: The initial mission task should have the start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Lets not make Arcadia wait so long" to read "Let's not make Arcadia wait so long".

MAPS:
Arcadia: This is a good map design with several fun battles. The story dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Tell me about the Arcadian Defense Force" dialogue; consider changing "Others are imported from starfleet" to read "Others are imported from Starfleet"
-Use of the response button "Continue". I noted it used several times throughout the mission. From this point I will note it on the maps and cover it in my summary.
-The "Tell me more about Arcadia" dialogue; consider adding a "." at the end of "and cities".
-The "Oman" dialogue; consider changing "Look like the Klingons are about to bring a tough fight" to read "The Klingons are almost here and it looks like they have come for a fight".
-Consider changing "From the ships sensors, I predict about 3 waves" to read "My readings indicate 3 separate waves inbound".
-Consider changing the response button "Doesn't seem much" to read "Doesn't seem like much".
-Consider changing "It would be helpfuk to get into position" to read "It would be helpful to get into position".
-The post "Defeat First Wave" dialogue; consider changing "It looks like its a joint operation" to read "It looks like it's a joint operation".
-The post "Defeat Third Wave" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], I have new orders" to read "[Rank], I have new orders for you".
-Consider changing "Some of the patrol ships I sent never got back" to read "Several of the patrol ships I sent out never came back".
-Consider changing "Those ships were the ones that informed me of this" to read "They were the ones that gave us the heads up on the inbound Klingon ships".
-Consider changing "Let me inform you, the last transmission from them said Plasma" to read "The last transmission we received from them only said "Plasma" then they were cut off".

Maiewski V: This is a good map design with a tough battle. The story dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "we should go closer" to read "we will need to get closer".
-Use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing all dialogue and objects spelling of "satelite" to read "satellite".
-The post "Defeat the Borg" dialogue; consider changing "Those Probes cloaked in" to read "Those Probes came in cloaked".
-Consider changing "I have nerver seen a cloaking Borg starship" to read "I have never seen a cloaking Borg starship".
-The "Talk to the U.S.S. Black Mesa" dialogue; consider changing "Every ship in the Borg and my fleet was destroyed" to read "The Borg destroyed my entire fleet".
-Consider changing "Before my ship was targeted, I serperated the fore and after section of the ship" to read "My drive section was severely damaged so I had to separate from it".
-Consider changing "Every single crew member got in the saucer, but the Borg got in the saucer" to read "I was able to evacuate my entire crew to the saucer before separating, but the Borg took advantage of our shields being down and boarded us".
-Consider changing "now we are under heavy assault" to read "Now we are under attack and need your help immediately". If you use this recommendation then delete "We need you here".
-Consider deleting the dialogue and response button for "What do you want me to do". Then move the "[MissionInfo]Beam in and help the defense of the Black Mesa[/MissionInfo]" to the end of the " to the "What happened here" dialogue string.
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Beam in and help the defense of the Black Mesa[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Beam in and help defend the Black Mesa[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing the response button "Don't leave without me" to read "Energize".

U.S.S. Black Mesa: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "The Officer's location is in your map captain" to read "Captain we need to find the Commanding Officer". Most players know to refer to the map for locations of storyline NPC and object interactions.
-Use of the response button "Continue".
-The "Talk to the Commanding Officer" dialogue; consider changing "Borg took every single part of the ship except this area" to read "The Borg have taken almost every part of the ship except this area".
-Consider changing "Some of my troops have engaged the Borg alone" to read "My crew have engaged the Borg but are barely holding on"
-Consider changing "You should attack the Borg" to read "With your help I think we can wipe the Borg infestation out". If you use this recommendation then delete "Some of my troops would help".
-The ship dialogue; consider changing "You might feel shaking in there" to read "We will do our best to keep them off you until you finish clearing the Borg".
-Consider removing some of the debris from the far end of the map. It adds nothing to the story and serves to trap BOFFs.
-The post "Defeat Borg Squadrons" dialogue; consider changing "We should go back to the officer" to read "We should report back to the Commanding Officer".
-The "Go back to the Commanding Officer" dialogue; consider changing "Thank you for your assistance. you should beam up to your ship" to read "Thanks for your help, I think we can take it from here".
-Consider changing "Surrender your vessel, and prepare to be boarded" to read "Resistance is futile".
-Consider changing the response button "Get off this line freak" to read "We will see about that".
-Consider changing "Borg beam signatures detected" to read "Borg transporter signatures detected".
-The "Talk with the Commanding Officer Again" dialogue; consider changing "It seems like they have placed a counter-offensive" to read "It appears as though they have started a counter-offensive".
-Consider changing "Go talk with my Engineering Officer for that" to read "My Engineering Officer can help you with that".
-The "Talk with Lieutenant Engineering Officer" dialogue; consider moving the "Any way to stop this" dialogue string under the "Do you know what is happening" dialogue string and delete it as a separate dialogue string. There is no value added to the story by having two separate choices here.
-Consider changing "The have planted a jamming device in this ship, which prevents you to communicate or beam to your ship" to read "They have planted a jamming device aboard this ship, which interfere with communications and transporters".
-If you combine the dialogue strings into one you will need to change the entire first paragraph starting with "First of all" and ending with "have been disabled". The entire dialogue string could be changed to read; "To overcome the jamming you will need to destroy the Borg jamming devices. The Borg also disabled the transporters. You will then need to redirect power from the engines and shields in order to restore transporters. Once you have done that you will be able to transport to your ship".
-If you do not combine the dialogue strings then consider using the changes above in place of what you are using currently.
-Consider changing "The ship will be destroyed if its targeted by the Borg" to read "The ship will be destroyed if it's targeted by the Borg".
-Consider changing "Once the jamming device is destroyed, contact your ship to protect us at all costs" to read "Once the jamming device is destroyed, contact your ship and tell them to protect us at all costs".
-The post "Destroy the Jamming Device" dialogue pops up as Borg drones beam in so the player cannot read the entire dialogue until they have defeated them. This distracts from the story. Consider making the dialogue something that must be triggered after the "Destroy the Jamming Device" task is completed. This will allow the player to read the dialogue after defeating the Borg reinforcements.
-Consider changing the tasks "Disable Shield Systems" and "Disable Engine Systems" to read "Reroute power from Shield Systems" and Reroute power from Engine Systems".
-The task for the player to "Report to the Lieutenant Engineering Officer" by returning to her location seems to be unnecessary for the story. Consider triggering the dialogue with the Lieutenant Engineering Officer after the Engines and Shields are disabled.

Maiewski V: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is good but need a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Use of the response button "Continue".
-Plot point to consider; the initial dialogue states that "communications were damaged beyond repair" yet after the distress signal is sent we receive communications from the Black Mesa and another ship. Consider changing that line to "long range communications are offline".
-Consider changing "The satelite we saw should be able to send the distress signal" to read "We should be able to use the satellite to send the distress signal".
-Consider changing the task "Program the Satelite to send a Message" to read "Program the Satellite to send the Distress Call".
-The post "Program the Satelite to send a Message" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], our power to the shields and engines are restored" to read "[Rank], we have restored power to engines and shields".
-Plot point to consider; the Black Mesa is destroyed during the battle. Once the Borg ships are destroyed in the final battle the U.S.S. Tranquility states "I got the Black Mesa". You should consider having the Black Mesa sit out the fight by making it an NPC contact. You can say they were hit in the first volley by the Borg and their propulsion has been knocked out.

Arcadia: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the task "Go Closer" to read "Get Closer".
-The "Hail the A.D.S. Faithful" dialogue; consider changing the response button "That is... a shame" to read "If we had only been here sooner".
-The post "Defeat the Borg Cube" dialogue; consider changing "Borg started to warp that" to read "The Borg started to warp in after that".
-Consider changing the response button "I missed out in all the fun" to read "What do you need me to do sir". Then delete the dialogue that followed that response button. It is not funny and it distracts from the serious nature of the story.
-Consider deleting the entire dialogue starting with "I'm going to" and ending with "lowered". Then remove the "Static Interference" effect as it adds nothing to the story and if the player get's turned around in the fighting it makes it harder to find the station without the maps. It is more annoying than anything else.

Starbase 228: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is good but needs some work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Use of the response button "Continue".
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]Battle the Borg out of the Transporter Room[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Drive the Borg from the Transporter Room[/MissionInfo]"
-Consider combining the Transporter Chief dialogue into one dialogue string.
-Consider changing "Thank you for coming soon" to read "Thank you for your help". If you combine the dialogue strings you can change the response button "Continue" to read "Where is the Starbase Commander". Then you would follow with the dialogue string indicating the location of the base commander.
-I am not sure where to begin with the negotiations dialogue. The dialogue and responses seem a little disoriented. There is no clear path to pursue the negotiation so the player is forced to click random series of buttons until they find the right combination. Consider adding the Away Team Science BOFF input on the approach to take with the Arcadian Ambassador. Otherwise the player is blindly poking at buttons until they get the right combination. At this point I will not try to break down any spelling or grammatical errors in this series or dialogue strings.

Arcadia: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Use of the response button "Continue".
-The post "Scan Portal" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Let's show them what the Federation is" to read "Let's show them what the Federation is made of".
-The post "Destroy the Borg Cubes" dialogue; consider changing "No matter, Arcadians are now in question" to read "The Arcadians have a decision to make".
-Consider changing "or break away into the Klingon Empire" to read "or break away, and join the Klingon Empire".
-Consider deleting "I need you to come back soon".
-Consider changing "For now, it's the Arcadian's decision" to read "It's up to the Arcadian's now".
-Consider changing "In other news" to read "At least there is some good news".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Do not be discouraged by the length of this report or the issues I have identified in it. Considering this is the first time you have created a mission it has a great story and has a lot of potential to be a great mission with some improvements. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks for the review! You're expertise and notes helped me know that I must start looking for ways to make missions flow better .