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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 422
# 32
08-30-2012, 11:06 AM
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
I finally posted my story, but it feels like it's missing something. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Well, understand that I'm posting this as constructive input, not to tear down what you put up. It's your post, and you can take or drop anything I say as much or as little as you like.

Some things you might consider though:

Your post has alot of text in big, long blocks that hits the eye and makes the reader have to work a bit to read it. The classic 'wall of text' effect that is easy to run into. As a suggestion, you may want to break up the introduction block into several paragraphs to make the actual character descriptions stand out better, and ease the reader into the meat of the entry. The use of italics to highlight emphasis in a word or the name of a ship could also help, though that depends on if you have any words you want to make emotionally strong. I would also suggest each character receive their own paragraph unless they are so linked that you would never encounter one without the other (married, clones, or just members of the Collective).

I noticed you like to work with many short sentences. The thing to remember is that every period is a stop sign the reader has to 'put on the breaks' at, so applying so many in a short period of time can leave the reader feel as though they are in rush-hour traffic (alot of starts and stops). What you may try is to restructure your narrative so that several sentences could be linked into a single, longer one before a short sentence. This not only lets the reader move throught the text easier, it makes the short sentences stand out more and have more emphasis.

As far as content, that's your concept and you can decide if it is what you wanted. I will say that your Officers seem exemplarary and without any real faults or cracks in their characters. As this is a personal account from the Captain, that is perfectly possible as people tend to overlook the little faults in their friends or co-workers when talking to those outside their circle, and it may well be that these really -are- Starfleet's Finest. If so, then no worries. If, on the other hand, you see them as 'mortal humans', then maybe what you are sensing missing is the things that -aren't- perfect in them, that help define them from the model Officer presented in the Academy textbooks. Not all of them have to have obvious faults, but for none of them to have noteworthy ones would probably be very unusual in any crew. And, of course, it could just be that I didn't pick up on the faults that were there (I'm only human and make mistakes too).

Again, these are all feedback and suggestions, not judgement or a desire to break down what you want to build. Take what you like and use it, and discard the rest if it doesn't help you in telling the story you want to, the way you want to.

Very good read, by the way!

Last edited by danqueller; 08-30-2012 at 11:14 AM.