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Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 752
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Interested in looking at my contest entry?

http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...d.php?t=379991
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Mission Title: The Darkness between the Stars
Your @Handle: Marhawkman
Faction: Federation
Level Requirement: 31+
Mission Summary: The Federation has detected weak signals coming from a ship floating through deep space. The signals don't match any known race. From what we've been able to gather the ship is derelict and drifting in deep space. We need you to intercept the ship and examine it to determine if it is safe for us to study.

This is mainly a story driven mission but it does have some combat.



So what did you guys think of it? Be honest, don't worry about hurting my feelings.
Federation Mission - The Darkness between the Stars
Author: Marhawkman
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HDAPHHNCI

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: Without knowing what the requirements of the "contest" this mission was created for I have to say it is a good story oriented mission. I would recommend this mission to other players who like story oriented missions with several interactive points in the story.

I noted the use of the response button "ok" in several dialogue boxes throughout the mission. I mention it because it just did not feel like it belonged in the story. It felt almost as odd as my usual pet peeve "Continue". As with that issue it just does not feel like something the Captain of a ship would say in response to any report from the BOFFs or other NPCs. The use of "Continue" is the default for a response button being left blank. You obviously did not do that, but you should consider adding something more to the response.

The use of upper or lower case letters in the interact buttons, mission tasks, and map names are not consistent. There were several places where the interact buttons switched between upper and lower case, particularly on the "Ship Interior" map. They were different interactions but it just did not seem to work. All mission tasks on the "Nebula edge" and "Black planet" maps were lower case. On the other maps they were a combination of upper and lower case. The map names also had a similar issue where the first letter on the first name was upper case and the second name was all lower case. For example "Nebula edge" versus "Ship Interior". In the overall mission evaluation it is not as big an issue as others, but it is a detail that should be considered.

The issue of additional information dialogue that adds to the story can also detract from it. I am referring to having a looping dialogue that brings the player back to a starting point in the dialogue. Some of the loop back dialogue did not seem to fit the loop back dialogue. Having dialogue loop back to the start can work depending on the initial dialogue that starts it off. For example you could have "Is there something else?" or "Would you like more information?" or along those lines. Otherwise consider having the dialogue all in one longer string with a "Skip Dialogue" option throughout.

A plot issue for your to consider between the "Dark Planet" and Black Cave" maps. It is a minor issue to consider but one that I felt should be identified for you to consider. On the "Dark Planet" map the tasks were to scan the debris. On the "Black Cave" map the mission was to "Tag the Generator". It felt odd that we would not try to recover some of the more interesting debris like the small room and power conduits on the "Dark Planet" but we would recover the generator from the "Black Cave" map.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an intriguing description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Nebula edge: This map, while well designed seems unnecessary to the mission. After the initial entry dialogue there is nothing except flying across the map to various waypoints to then proceed to the next map. If you want to keep this map consider spreading the initial dialogue throughout the map at each waypoint. Additionally your mission tasks are all lower case throughout this map.

Nebula center: This is a good map design with a simple but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Ship Interior: This is a great map design with very well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the use of response button "ok" throughout this map with "Very well" or something along those lines that fits the dialogue. It would seem more professional. From this point I will only note the maps where this is used and will address it in the summary.
-The additional dialogue prompts feel a little awkward. I understand you are trying to give the player the option to skip over some parts of the dialogue, but the dialogue that leads to those additional dialogues feels odd when repeated over and over again. Consider adding the additional information into one longer dialogue string with a "Skip Dialogue" feature throughout. From this point I will only note the maps where this is used and will address it in the summary.
-The interactions on the map switch between "Scan" for the bio signatures and "scan" for the consoles. Consider changing all of them to "Scan".
-Consider changing the response button "Maybe the medical Corps can figure it out later" to read "Maybe the Medical Corps can figure it out later".
-The climbing to the top of the reactor seems unnecessary to the story.
-All of the "Examine equipment in room" buttons say "Interact," which is the Foundry default when a "Interact Object" button is left blank. It is like the "Continue? button.

Nebula center#2: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding the additional information into one longer dialogue string with a "Skip Dialogue" feature throughout.
-The use of response button "ok".

Dark Planet: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding the additional information into one longer dialogue string with a "Skip Dialogue" feature throughout.
-The use of response button "ok".
-There are nine objects to scan with mostly "Scrap" dialogue from the away team. It felt like too much running around with little story to support it. Consider changing some of the dialogue to fill in more story details or remove some of the objects to be scanned.

Black Cave: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. It felt a little rushed and the ending of the mission seemed abrupt. Consider adding some wrap up dialogue with Starfleet Command that indicates they have dispatched research vessels to continue the investigation.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 09/09/2012 on forum posting for: The Darkness between the Stars.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.