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Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 897
Originally Posted by diogene0 View Post
Hey Evil70th, could you add my last mission to your queue? I know you'll give me some good feedback on it.

This post for the delivery method will be perfect. Thank you!

Also, if you have any idea why the first players find it average I'll be glad to hear why. Is it too long? Does it require more optional stuff and more dialog options I really don't enjoy adding? Does it need more or more challenging fights and less dialogs?
Originally Posted by diogene0 View Post
Mission title: The Twilight of the gods
Author: @diogene0
Faction: Fed
Level Requirement: 16+
Mission Summary:

A Starfleet transport shuttle crashed on Pico VI. This planet is extrelemy hostile. Starfleet Command orders you to send a rescue team to look for survivors. According to your chief archeologist, your sensors indicate that this planet used to be the homeworld of a prosperous civilization. This might be a good opportunity to learn more about it.

This is a story-driven mission with some challenging fights.

Light on dialog choices and optional stuff, the purpose of the mission is to tell a story and to provide immersion with maps you'll hopefully find good enough.

40-45 mins.

Federation Mission - The Twilight of the gods
Author: diogene0
Allegiance: Federation

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: Despite starting off a little slow the mission quickly picks up and the player finds themselves battling a Romulan conspiracy that could change the balance of power across the entire quadrant. It is a roller coaster ride of a mission, and is actually longer than 45 minutes. Despite having several spelling and grammatical errors the story is really good. Once the issues I have identified below are fixed this mission will be great. Even in its current state it is very enjoyable with in depth investigations, intriguing dialogue, and challenging combat that all combine to make a very playable mission. I would highly recommend this mission to players who like a roller coaster ride of a mission and well written story.

Just a couple of things I noted and wanted to call out. The use of lower case spelling for ranks in the dialogue. I am a retired U.S. Navy Chief and after 24 years of service I can say that by tradition if referring in generic terms to a rank the use of lower case letters is fine. For example "The rank of captain is one that every officer would like to achieve". When referring to a person of a specific rank you should capitalize the first letter. For example "Here comes Captain Picard". The other item was your use of "Tal'Shiar". According to the wiki site and STO information it should be "Tal Shiar". Other than that I really enjoyed the mission.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is a little confusing. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], the long range sensors of Vulcan orbital station are reporting an unknown activity in the Pico system" to read "[Rank], long range communications aboard the Vulcan orbital station have received a distress signal from Admiral Selok's shuttle in the Pico system".
-Consider changing "Unfortunately, the radiations emitted by the planet prevent us from getting more precise information" to read "The radiation in that sector is preventing us from getting an exact location on the Admiral's shuttle, but it is in the vicinity of Pico VI".
-Consider deleting the entire dialogue from "I suggest" through "The peace is at stake". Replace it with "Starfleet Command has ordered us into the system to find the Admiral. He is the only one who has been able to bring the Klingons to the negotiation table. This may be our last chance for peace."

Mission Task: Despite the fact you included the start location for the first custom map in the Grant Dialogue you should include it in the initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "The radiations wouldn't kill you immediately, but it would be an unnecessary risk" to read "The radiation is not at high enough levels to kill you, but it does pose an unnecessary risk".

Pico VI Crash site: This is a good map design with nice battles. The dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "a complete and rigorous investigation" to read "a complete and rigorous survey".
-Consider removing the space between "[OOC]You:[/OOC] and "[OOC]We'll see that later[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Check the nearest supposed crash site[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Check the nearest debris field[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "Nothing we sould worry about, eh" to read "Nothing we should worry about, eh".
-Consider changing "We should try to see if they are in stable enough health condition to be beamed up" to read "We should see if they are able to be beamed up".
Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Talk to lieutenant Gtyia[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Talk to Lieutenant Gtyia[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "We feared that the radiations could prevent you from locating us" to read "We feared that the high levels of radiation would prevent you from locating us".
-Consider changing "[OOC]What's your status lieutenant[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]What's your status Lieutenant[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "It's just a matter of time, though, if we do nothing about it" to read "It's just a matter of time, we need to get off the planet's surface".
-Consider changing "The radiations are affecting me too" to read "The high radiation levels are affecting me too".
-Consider removing "but I'll be fine".
-Consider changing "The Admiral has been wounded by wild animals, not by radiations, although they are heavily affecting both of us" to read "The Admiral?s injuries were caused by wild animals, not radiation, but the high levels of radiation are starting to take a toll on both of us".
-Consider changing "He got wounded this way" to read "That is when he was attacked and injured".
-Consider changing "Sir, the strengh of the radiations has increased since we beamed down" to read "Sir, radiation levels have increased since we beamed down".
-Consider changing "There is some interference going on right now, and it will make any transport attemp highly risky" to read "The interference from the increased radiation levels makes transport risky".
-Consider changing "[Rank], I'm sending this right now" to read "[Rank], I'm sending the equipment to your location now".
-Consider changing "This radiation storm may stop anytime, anyway" to read "With luck this radiation storm will subside soon".
-Consider changing "Once it will be activated, it wouldn't be safe to lower it" to read "Once activated it wouldn't be safe to lower it".
-Consider changing the "Raise the force field" interact object from the desktop console to a regular small console.
-Consider changing "The admiral should be safe until we can go back to the ship" to read "The Admiral should be safe until we can return to the ship".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Now we have some time to investigate these derelicts everyone considers fascinating[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We should examine the ruins that the Admiral found so fascinating[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]The Vulcans don't put their lives at risk without logical reasons[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]A Vulcan would not risk their life without a logical reason[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]I think the interest he has into this deserves some attention[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I think this deserves some investigation[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Anyway, we're stuck here for some time[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Besides, we're probably going to be stuck here for awhile[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]So, what do we know about these debris" to read "So, what do we know about these ruins".
-Consider changing "The first data we have are somewhat confusing but are definitely interesting, [Rank]" to read "The initial readings we took from the wreckage when we first arrived are very interesting, [Rank]".
-Consider changing "It looks like they come from a spaceship; the ionized particle traces we can pick up on this metal leave no doubt about this". to read "The ionized particle traces we found on the hull leave no doubt the wreckage came from a spaceship".
-Consider removing "The second fact is a lot more intriguing".
-Consider changing "This derelict is roughly ten centuries old" to read "Even more intriguing is the fact that quantum dating indicates the wreckage is at least ten centuries old".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Only a handful of species had the knowledge to build that[/OOC]" to read "Only a handful of species have space travel dating back that far".
-Consider changing "This alloy you can see on my tricorder recordings is definitely Romulan" to read "As you see from the tricorder readout the allow is definitely Romulan in origin".
-Consider changing "This may explain the weird behaviour of Admiral Selok" to read "This may explain the Admiral's fascination with the ruins".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Well, this derelict is yours, commander[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Well these ruins are yours to explore[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "Thank you sir, I'm looking forward to investigate this" to read "Thank you sir, I'm looking forward to investigating this".
-Consider adding dialogue after each scanned object that talks about what was found in each scan.
-Consider changing the task "Gather data about the derelict" to read "Gather data about the ruins".
-Consider changing "One of the derelict we scanned appears to be the main part of the ship" to read "One of the ruin pieces we scanned appears to be what remains of the main part of the ship".
-Consider changing "Some creatures are living there, but we should definitely inspect the remains of this ship" to read "I am detecting wild creatures inside what remains of the ship, but we should investigate the interior".
-The Map Transfer dialogue; consider changing "Are you ready to enter the derelict, [Rank]" to read "Are you ready to enter the airlock, [Rank]".

Inside the derelict: This is a good map design with a few nice battles. The dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "The ground must contain very corrosive elements to attack the alloys so heavily in 10 centuries only" to read "The ground must contain very corrosive elements to degrade the alloys in only 10 centuries".
-Consider changing "Our geologists would be very happy here" to read "Our geologists would love this place".
-Consider changing "[Rank], I'm picking up several non corroded crystalline structures signals" to read "[Rank], I'm detecting several objects that do not appear to be corroded".
-Consider changing "May we go" to read "We should check them out".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Escort your chief engineer to the crystalline modules and gater data about them[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Gather data about the crystalline objects[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "The bad one is that can't say so about the data themselves" to read "The bad news is we can't tell if the data is intact".

Pico VI orbit#2: This is a good map design with tough battles. The dialogue is good but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Based on the map name I am guessing you had the first custom map was "Pico VI orbit".
-Consider changing "The data we found are of high interest" to read "The data we have been able to recover so far is very interesting".
-Consider changing "The preliminary work we made on them revelad that this ship was conducting a scientific mission" to read "Our preliminary findings indicate that this ship was conducting a scientific survey".
-Consider changing "The amount and the quality of data are impressing, even if there isn?t much left of it" to read "Despite the apparent loss of data what remains is impressive".
-Consider changing "Memory alpha should be able to help us in our task" to read "The researchers at Memory Alpha should be able to help us recover more of the data".
-Consider changing "[Rank], I'm setator Brelak" to read "[Rank], I'm Senator Brelak".
-Consider changing "I command you to hand it over immediately" to read "I demand you hand it over immediately".
-Consider changing "If you don?t, I am entitled to get it back by any mean" to read "If you refuse, I am authorized to use force".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You must have been mistaken, the data modules we took on Pico VI are obviously Vulcan, according to our chief archeologist" to read "There has obviously been a mistake. According to our archeological team, the data modules we retrieved from Pico VI are Vulcan in origin".
-Consider changing "Anyway, we are entitled to take them, according to the interstellar agreements" to read "According to interstellar law, we are entitled to salvage rights as the discoverer of the wreckage".
-If you take the above recommendation consider removing "Any derelict ship belongs to its discoverer".
-Consider removing "It would be difficult to be more explicit".
-Consider changing "Consequently, you are invited to send an official protest to our diplomatic services on Rator III, if you don?t agree" to read "Of course if you disagree with my interpretation of interstellar law you are free to submit a protest through diplomatic channels".
-Consider changing "Now, please move on" to read "Is there anything else I can help you with?".
-Consider changing "I cannot accept this answer, [LastName]" to read "This is unacceptable, [LastName]".
-Consider changing "You will give me these data" to read "You will hand over the data modules".
-Consider changing the response button "This is a Starfleet vessel, not a freighter you can loot whenever you want" to read "This is a Starfleet vessel, not some freighter you can board at will".
-The post "Break the Romulan blockade" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Officer, I need answers and I need them now[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Tactical, I need answers and I need them now[/OOC]".
-Consider removing the [OOC] from "Yes, [Rank]".
-Consider changing "He's Vulcan, but please welcome him well on your board" to read "He's Vulcan, and may be able to help, so please welcome him onboard".
-Consider changing "You will need someone to give you some intelligence about the Romulans" to read "You will need someone who can provide you with some intelligence about the Romulans".
-Consider removing "I have a name for you, but you won't like this".
-Consider changing "She was infiltrating the Tal'shiar but got cought recently, and now she's being held in a highly secured facility" to read "We had an operative who has been working to infiltrate the Tal Shiar for a number of years now, but got caught, and is now being held in a high security facility.
-Consider changing "I am pleased to see that your insight into people is still working pretty well" to read "I am please that your powers of observation have not diminished with time".
-Consider changing the response button "Very well. Can we leave now" to read "Very well. We will get underway now".
-Consider changing the response button "Do I look like an orion pirate" to read "Do I look like and Orion pirate".
-If you use the correction to the response button then consider removing "Be my guest ! ". If not then remove the space between "guest" and "!" in the dialogue.
-Consider changing the response button "Tanks, Admiral" to read "Thank you, Admiral".

Orbiting the Romulan labor camp B451: This is a good map design with tough battles that are not easy to avoid. The dialogue is well wirtten. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "The labor camp is at the other side of this asteroid field" to read "The labor camp is on the other side of this asteroid field".
-Consider centering the battle ship directly over the station at a high enough altitude if the player goes in directly underneath the station they can avoid combat.

Romulan labor camp B451: This is a good map design with tough battles, and well written dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "I'm Ready to beam you up with the team and our agent, [Rank]" to read "I'm ready to beam you up with the team and our agent, [Rank]".

Conference room: This is a good map design with detailed story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Agent T'Kol, you have been infiltrating the Tal'Shiar until recently, with some success" to read "Agent T'Kol, you have been infiltrating the Tal Shiar until recently, with some success".
-From this point I will only note the map which has dialogue that uses "Tal'Shiar" vice "Tal Shiar".
-There is a "[OOC]" dialogue that you did not put a "You:" in as in previous dialogue.
-Consider changing "They found a lot of archives there, and these archives mentioned a joint Vulcan and Romulan scientific expedition aiming at corroborationg the preliminary work of a Vulcan scientists named Saalok" to read "They found a several entries that referred to a joint Vulcan and Romulan scientific expedition aimed at corroborating the preliminary work of a Vulcan scientists named Saalok".
-Consider changing "Anyway, the Romulans think it's not the case, and that's what matter" to read "Anyway, the Romulans think the report is true and that is what matters".
-Consider changing "Since then they are determined to recover the knowledge this crew discovered" to read "Since then the Romulans have been determined to recover this knowledge at any price".
-Consider changing "[OOC] I'm not hear to hear childish tales[/OOC]" to read "[OOC] I'm not here to hear childish tales[/OOC]".
-Consider removing "I'm going to be straight with you here".
-Consider changing "The Kern, Seedea, Danteri, Xaratine, and Veyga, are under enemy fire and their defenses are on the verge of collapsing" to read "The Kern, Seedea, Danteri, Xaratine, and Veyga systems are under attack and the defenses are on the verge of collapsing".

Gateway: This is a good map design with some tough battles. The story dialogue is well written and this is a great wrap up to the mission. I really liked the ending. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "At least" to read "At last".
-Consider changing "Our expedition is completely successfull" to read "Our mission is a complete success".
-Consider changing "Our Empire will raise and rule again, subcommander" to read "Our Empire shall rise and rule again, sub commander".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and with a little polish it will be a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.

This critique report also filed 09/11/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".