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Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,568
# 5
11-25-2012, 09:21 AM
That was a fun read!

Although, placing a lot of the back-and-forth exchanges between characters in the same paragraph took a little getting used to. If I had any recommendation it would be to break up the conversation, but that would make the post longer. Your method preserves the necessary dialogue.

Would you be willing to break up the story in order to show the reader when a paragraph is about a new moment in time? It was challenging to one-sentence what I mean. For example ... The story flows and transitions well until the paragraph starting with "It was, definitely the worst diplomatic ..." At the this paragraph could you break up the text with some visual queue?

---

or

***

This shows the reader (me in this case) that the story-so-far is on a new Chapter. I mean, technically, T'Rei's intro scene, the scene with Vulcan roommate, T'Rei's visit to the galley and Holodeck could be their own Chapter per se. But as I was reading this, it was the scene that really advanced the plot that could have used some special attention to make the flow go smoother. Consider it like returning from a commercial break.

I dunno, just a thought.

If you have more then I'll look forward to reading them
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene