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Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,571
# 8
11-28-2012, 05:49 AM
A very enjoyable read, thankyou for sharing I thought T'Rei was a fantastic character, I loved how her aristocratic aloofness was an acquired affectation to separate her from her plebian origin, and how her father's love for her was seen as a sign of weakness and a cause for annoyance (Much like Pip's embarrassment and rejection of Joe in Great Expectations) I only have a few points of critique:

- The baseball sequence was boring, and sadly, I began to skim rather than read that fully: The changes to the program would have been better handled by a simple "Replace all holocharacters with Romulans rather than Humans." The rest was clumsy and unnecessary, and was the literary equivalent of a cook 'over salting' or combining too many ingredients.

- Supine is not an acceptable name for a Vulcan female (especially when a female Romulan has a more traditionally female Vulcan name and they are in close interraction... It would be like calling an English boy Hamish, and having his best friend be a Scottish boy called Rupert) And her request to be in undergarments struck me as a tad fetishistic (When it was just her own quarters, fine, but once she acquired a roommate, logic would support the cultural obligation to be properly clothed in the presence of others)

- Redundant exposition on some of the characters would be welcome, as, being unfamiliar with your other work, some of the crew were well rounded, where others appeared un-developed (due to an assumption of knowledge on the reader's part)

Other than that, I really can't offer any other critique, and even taking those points into account, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it

Last edited by marcusdkane; 11-28-2012 at 06:02 AM.