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Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,199
# 10
11-28-2012, 02:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by aestu View Post
You misread much of the story.
I simply read what you wrote...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aestu View Post
T'Rei's father is not a character in the story. The character I believe you are referring to is the commander of the warbird she served on prior to taking refuge in the Federation. Paternal love or other male affection is not a plot element, and it isn't even indicated that individual had any direct relationship with her. I think you are reading your own biases into the story.
Quote:
Apparently, the defect either was missed, or hadn't manifested itself, before I came of age. If it had, my father would have been obligated to dispatch me."

"I see. Do you wish he had?" "Yes."
It's implausible that medical technology of the era would not have detected an aortic defect prior to a millitary medical* If you can't see that T'Rei's father clearly chose not to dispatch her, I think you are unaware of the subconscious elements you are including...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aestu View Post
T'Rei is not an aristocrat, she is a pleb through and through. She is aloof because she is Romulan.
Romulans are not necessarily aloof, Commander Donatra, for example... Or the female Romulan Commander who tried to seduce Spock in the middle of a mission... The way you wrote:

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Being rejected from a military academy due to fitness triggers automatic rejection from any technical vocation. My choices were to attend sommlier school or go back home to my plebian family and spend the rest of my life as some aedile's housemaid. I chose the former.
Came across that T'Rei had moved away from her pleb roots, and had gotten too snobby to return to them (despite her father allowing her to live.) That may not have been your intention, but it was how the text read... That was never meant as a negative comment, but a favorable comparison to one of my favorite stories...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aestu View Post
Supine is the name of a Vulcan engineer doff on my roster. The scene is meant to be ironic/humorous, but I think that a Vulcan would prefer the logic of "reasonable degree of flexibility" in any such communal setting that would be taken for granted in such a setting in real life.
I hate to say, but I didn't find it to be either... As before, the point I was raising, is that Supine is not a fitting name for a Vulcan female. And when contrasted to a Romulan having a more traditionally Vulcan name than a Vulcan, it did not read as humorous, it simply read as a poor choice of character name...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aestu View Post
The intent of making the baseball scene more than one line was to explore T'Rei's thought processes and motivations, and also to build suspense: the reader doesn't initially know what she is doing or why it arouses such an emotional response.
As before, the only emotional response it aroused in me, was boredom, and I skimmed over it as it was slowing down the story (which was otherwise fantastic)

Quote:
Originally Posted by aestu View Post
I didn't feel the need to overdevelop characters unnecessarily - this is an extension of the "Chekhov's Gun" principle. If a character does not have a major plot role then overdescribing them misleads the reader.
Having re-read, I've seen that Armita is indeed a de-assimilated Borg, so disregard that 3rd point...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aestu View Post
Nontheless, thanks for reading and your insights! I'm thinking of another story...
Again, thanks for sharing I'll post a sample chapter from my own manuscript for you to critique

*As an aside, I had an aortic defect corrected when I was 18 months old, and as a result, my mother was terribly over-protective...

Last edited by marcusdkane; 11-28-2012 at 02:38 PM.