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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,457
# 2
12-06-2012, 09:57 AM
I enjoyed this one as well! All this because "Seductive is a critfail" ... brilliant

I do have some feedback: could you clarify the dialogue between LeCruz and Thoris? I had to read it several times to follow the speakers and that became a distraction. What I see is this:

" was me..." she confessed. [Thorin]
" me...I really meant what I said...surely you as an honorable Andorian warrior can understand that one's first duty..." [LeCuz ]
" to the ship..." [Thorin]
"...even if that means..." [LeCuz ]
"But why..." [Thorin]

"It's the Captain." [Thorin ] LeCuz's eyebrows went up. "No, truly. Her race has...some odd sort of celestial attunement, like the el-Aurians. A tendency to bring about cosmic ironies. It's supposedly some sort of emergent quality connected with their telepathic abilities. I know this because I listened to her talking about it with Commander R'Miarr." [Thorin] Pause. "I am the most trusted honor guard on this ship, after all." [Thorin]

"And you don't see telling me this as a betrayal...?" LeCuz inquired. [LeCuz ]
Is this correct? I think my problem is making sure the block paragraph has the right speakers. Thorin is asking LeCruz the "why" question previously. If there is an exchange then LeCruz would speak next starting the paragraph dialogue, but that would make the last sentence out-of-character.

So, it must be that Thorin first asks why, then comes to a realization that LeCruz is talking about Aetsu, prompting LeCruz's non-verbal reaction with the eybrow raising. Thorin then describes the Captain's "thing" to LeCruz which explains the last sentence.

I'm just verifying at this point because when I read it, I was expecting a back-and-forth which is not what really happened, but it's not clear unless I reread it. That breaks the flow. I mean, it makes sense to you as the writer, but the reader (or maybe just me ) might get confused. At first.

Maybe tweaking the paragraph so it is more clear to the reader? Something like:

"But why ..."

Then it dawned on Thorin, "it's the Captain." LeCruz's eyebrown went up at Thorin's realization but she continued. "No, truly Her race has ..."
Or something else, whatever works.

Other than this, keep em coming
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene

Last edited by cmdrscarlet; 12-06-2012 at 09:59 AM. Reason: clarity of revision