Kobayashi Maru - JHawk1128's Second Foundry Mission
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Mission Critique Report - Kobayashi Maru
12-29-2012, 10:42 AM
Originally Posted by
Mission Name: Kobayashi Maru
Minimum Level: Any Level
Project ID: ST-HR5QOAR8K
Estimated Mission Length: ~20 Minutes
Method of Report Delivery: In-Game Message
Federation Mission - Kobayashi Maru
Project ID: ST-HR5QOAR8K
This is a fast paced, fun combat oriented mission, with some story dialogue that moves the mission forward. The battles are well balanced throughout the mission. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players. It was a lot of fun.
The capitalization issues I noted below are minor details that may vary between players, but should still be considered. Something else to consider would be the map usage that I mentioned below on the "Klingon Neutral Zone 2" map. I understood the effect you were going for using that map and the single line of dialogue. What I would recommend you consider is setup the "Ker?rat System's" and "Klingon Neutral Zone's" maps as generic space maps that you build them before and after the "Kobayashi Maru" map. You could place planet objects that disappear when the player goes to warp using the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect. The player then proceeds to a designated point on the map and drops out of warp. At that point you make the other planet, enemy mob ships and Kobayashi Maru appear. The player battles the Klingons and then beams to the Kobayashi Maru. When they complete that map they beam back to a generic space map similar to the other one that reverses the process, without the enemy mobs of course.
They warp away from the Kobayashi Maru as it explodes. The player proceeds to a designated point on the map and drop out of warp and wrap up the mission with the remaining dialogue. This design would consolidate your maps and allow the story to flow a little more without as many map transfers.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue:
This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
You need to add the start location of the first custom map, to include the sector block, you your initial mission task. You want players to be able to find your mission to start it. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt:
This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
This is a nice simple map design with good story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "The [ShipName] is on it's final day of a two month tour of duty patroling the Federation's border with the Klingon Empire" to read "The [ShipName] is on its final day of a two month tour of duty patrolling the Federation's border with the Klingon Empire".
-Consider changing "Our final mission before returning to Earth Spacedock for refit is to scan the Ker'rat System for Klingon activity using the Sensor Probe in orbit" to read "Our final mission before returning to Earth Spacedock, scan the Ker'rat System for Klingon activity using the sensor probe in orbit".
-Consider changing "Any action taken that involves the [ShipName] crossing into the Neutral Zone will likely lead to a hostile response from the Empire and could lead to a all-out war between the Federation and the Klingon Empire" to read "Any action taken that involves the [ShipName] crossing into the Neutral Zone will likely lead to a hostile response from the Empire, which could lead to a all-out war between the Federation, and the Klingon Empire".
-Consider striking the Engineering BOFF response regarding provoking the Klingon Empire. It does not feel right in the moment, even for a simulation.
-The word "Treaty" does not need to be capitalized in every sentence. A good rule of thumb is if it refers to a specific treaty then it would be capitalized. For example; "The Organian Peace Treaty" would be capitalized, otherwise if just mentioning the word treaty you could leave it lower case.
Klingon Neutral Zone:
This is a good map design with some fun battles and good story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the capitalization of the word "Ship" in every sentence. Treat it the same way as you used vessel in the initial dialogue.
-Consider changing "Transporter Room" to read "transporter room".
This is a good map design with some fun battles. The story dialogue is well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Klingon Boarding Parties" to read "Klingon boarding parties" in all dialogue on this map.
-Consider changing the "Auto Destruct" console to a stand along console, or place it against the bulkhead behind the Kobayashi Maru Captain. The current console is transparent in the back so when the player turns around they can see through it.
Klingon Neutral Zone 2:
This is a very short map with short dialogue for the map transfer. I will address this in summary. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the ship labeled "Generic Freighter Medium" to read "Kobayashi Maru".
Ker?rat System 2:
This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue that wraps up the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the mission text "Scan for Klingon Persuit" to read "Scan for Klingon Pursuit"
-Consider changing "back to Federation Space safely" to read "back to Federation space safely".
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
This critique report also filed 12/29/2012 on forum posting for:
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