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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,578
# 73
01-26-2013, 08:55 AM
Originally Posted by ironphoenix113 View Post
Just edited mine again. Added some more detail to the final battle scene. Lemme know what you guys think.
Nice work I'm still getting caught up on that 2nd to last paragraph though... I wouldn't be offended if you didn't want to re-edit to include this, and equally, certainly do not mean any offence by offering it, but this is more what I was meaning from my previous comment...

When he finally recovered, Bryan yelled out "Damage report!" but received no response. He was about to repeat the order, when he looked to the starboard side of the bridge, and realized why he had not been answered and his blood ran cold. Ibalei had been flung from her console by the plasma discharge, and lay still on the deck. Even with several limbs clearly broken, her long, dark red hair randomly pulled from its customary ponytail, and bleeding from multiple puncture wounds and lacerations, the young Trill had never looked more beautiful.

As above, no offence intended, just a suggestion of how I might have written the scene, or expected it to read

Equally, I re-edited mine yesterday just to clear up the action of the 2nd to last paragraph