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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,683
# 15
02-20-2013, 11:53 AM
Originally Posted by squatsauce View Post
A short, sad entry by MarcusDKane. My only suggestion is to rework the following sentence. It's a bit clunky.

"As the doors closed, a silence fell on the bridge which could have been cut with a knife before Mayer discreetly cleared his throat."

It would read better if it were broken apart and rearranged slightly. Something like this:

"The doors closed and a silence thick enough to cut with a knife descended on the bridge. It hung there for a moment, broken only when Mayer discreetly cleared his throat."

Use your own words, of course, and mold it to your own pleasant style.

EDIT: Woah, it occurs to me this could be interpreted as being insulting! No way! I meant the story was short and that what happened in it was sad. Not that mdk's writing itself was sad. I liked it.
Thanks for the suggested revision, it gave me the opportunity to italicize the ship's name, and tweak a few details of Lambert's note And I never read your initial comment to mean that the quality of the writing was sad, but realized that you were referring to the subject matter