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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4,359
# 99
02-25-2013, 11:27 AM
Originally Posted by ironphoenix113 View Post
Well, that one went out of control really quickly. Finally got it finished...18 pages later.

A few explanations/interesting facts:

All named personnel (With the exception of the head of the Symbiosis commission and the first two hosts) are all named Duty officers or Bridge officers. Second: (And DON'T read the following until you've actually read my story, for it does contain a major spoiler) [BEGIN SPOILERS] Primarily what I was going for is that you have Ibalei, who's already well adjusted to her life as it stands right now, all of a sudden thrust into a position that she never wanted to be in. Yet, now that she is there, she want's to make the best of what she's been given.[END SPOILER]

Anyway, not sure what I'd do for the soundtrack for this one. I'll think about that when I'm not as insane from writing a small novel in four days.
I really enjoyed this entry, but there were a few aspects which I might have done differently... One example, is the conversation between Bryan and Ibalei when they are notified of the degeneration of Zizania's environment. For Ibalei to reveal that she had been a prior candidate for that specific symbiont was not only a bit of an obvious revelation, but also rather pre-revealed that she was going to have to be joined, so from a dramatic position, I felt that that weakened the impact of what was to happen. Also, and these other two points are now purely my thoughts on where I would have taken the story... I would have had the joining process considerably alter Bryan and Ibalei's relationship. I know, when Odan was on board the Enterprise-D, they continued to pursue Beverly irrespective of the 'meat suit' they were wearing, but when the Dax symbiont changed hosts, there were considerable changes to its primary relationships: Friends remained friends but the deeper dynamics of the relationships changed, and I would have liked to have seen that in this instance, as it would have (IMHO) been a nice melancholy after Bryan and Ibalei's recent tribulations... He nearly lost her in action, watched her convalesce, and then was able to begin a relationship with her, to have that pulled away from him might have been an interesting thing to explore... The other thing, is I would like there to be some kind of action, either from Zizania's family, the Symbiosis Commission or from Starfleet Command, when it is revealed that Bryan lied... The Borg ship did not attack the Athena, Bryan ordered them to engage, when it would have been possible to withdraw, and as a result, the Ambassador was gravely wounded. It would be interesting to see some repercussions of that decision, especially if the Athena AI was forced to testify against Bryan Of course, I'm probably only thinking that because I caught Q-Who on TV while having lunch, and the decisions Picard took after disabling the Borg tractor beam... Well... It cost the lives of eighteen crewmen (who he refused to even acknowledge, possibly out of guilt) and I feel that he should have been at the very least, forced to explain his actions at a board of enquiry Please don't think that I'm bashing what you've done, as it was a fantastic read, those're just my thoughts on elements which reduced, rather than enhanced, dramatic tension