The Show Must Go On
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Join Date: Feb 2013
03-16-2013, 05:29 AM
I just played through your mission, sorry for taking a while to get around to it, I know how frustrating it can be getting your mission to qualify. Frankly I thought it was brilliant, easily a 5 star mission with a great story that really kept me entertained throughout.
I do have a few comments if they are welcome, they are all minor points but did detract a little from the overall experience.
- My biggest issue is there is a little too much characterisation of bridge officers. You've advertised this as a singleplayer roleplaying mission and so a lot of people playing it may already have an idea of what their bridge crew are meant to be like. Much of the dialogue conflicts with that. For example the opening scene with the happy tactical officer being referred to as "number one", that did not match with my hardened cardassian who is not my first officer. Equally my vulcan science officer smiling and talking about things that "amuse" her is a bit odd. Maybe tone down the personalities on the bridge officers and allow your unique mission characters (who are great!) fill in the emotional bits.
- There are quite a few grammatical errors throughout, particularly at the end of sentences you inconsistently add full stops. One response dialogue may have a full stop, the next won't. Some of your OOC text ends in full stops, some don't. Equally there is quite a bit of inconsistency in capitalisation, "Northwest and Northeast beach" is odd, either it is a name and beach should be capitalised or it is not and North shouldn't be. Rigelean pearls is also capitalised in one paragraph and not in the next. Its all minor but quite widespread, just need to take some time to go through it all (I understand there is a lot of dialogue to go through).
- A few spelling errors cropped up, mainly dylithium, it should be dilithium (i.e. two lithium atoms).
-The loftball bit was fun until the combat, that seemed out of place and jarring. All of a sudden a squad of people materialise, you're forced into combat and then the player is critised for it. Maybe making the player simply say "that's all too complicated" and skipping the combat might be better. It would go well with the entertainingly overly complex ruleset.
-Lastly, and this is just the RL scientist in me complaining, graphite and diamond are *not* the same on the molecular level. They are the same on the atomic level (i.e all just carbon), but on the molecular level they have a different crystal structure. I'm also not sure you needed to talk about quantum states, a slightly different quantum state of diamond would probably still have the diamond structure, its more geometric changes.
Don't get me wrong, these are all minor things, all the mission is great as it stands. I really enjoyed the focus on story and the use of combat where the story dictated it should be, not manipulating the story to fit the combat. Its clear you put a lot of work and effort into this and it truly deserves 5 stars, well done
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