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Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 155
# 135
04-30-2013, 05:23 PM

I like the Newscast theme ... not something you see in Trek a lot, but would exists.


Some good visuals. You swap viewpoints, might want to keep to one (How would Ynala know Janei's heartbeat was drumming in Janei's ears?). Also good emotions.


I always approve of people spitting out soup. It's funny. The journal entry blocks are kind of hard on they eyes, wouldn't hurt to break them up into smaller paragraphs. Might just be my screen. Good building up of where Sarik starts, and his rise of status.
Chewson Pwan - VA
S.S. Doff Lundgren