Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Well, I like making missions with the foundry but I don't have the kind of free time to give them the attention they deserve. And since one or two people have graciously volunteered to work as reviewers (and are now completely inundated with requests) I thought I'd offer to help out, too. So, instead of creating new missions that suck, I'll nit-pick anyone elses mission for them.

Be warned though. I'm a jerk.

Thats right. As the title states - I am a hypercritical jerk. I offer my services as a mission reviewer for anyone who can take brutal, honest criticism. I wil call 'em like I see 'em. I will call you on every grammar mistake, spelling error, or punctuation flub. The first plot hole discovered in your story will earn my scorn. If I find a second plot hole, my scornful harrasment will make you want to climb into that plot hole and pull it in after you. My reviews will not be for timid authors.

But if you get 4 or 5 stars out of me, you really have one H of a good mission.

Anyway, if there are some authors with some intestinal fortitude out there, send me your mission titles. All I ask for in return is that if my review makes you cry, you MUST tell me. Tears are the fuel that keeps my criticism engine running, afterall.

WAMAHahahahahahaha (the laughter of a hypercritical jerk...)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
04-04-2011, 05:54 PM
Advertising yourself as a "hyper-critical" jerk-style reviewer may not be the best way to people to flock to you for reviews. I'm not really sure for how many people this may be true, but for many authors, it is there first go at a mission. Professional and most of all, constructive criticism is accepted and even welcomed by most authors. So if you're actually interested in helping, I'd suggest you change your manner.

Furthermore, it's not a matter of "intestinal fortitude". Why get information from a rude reviewer when they can ask around elsewhere and get the same information in a more kindly manner? I fear that you may go hungry if you must feast solely on tears.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
04-04-2011, 05:55 PM
Unless you can give constructive criticism, then your feedback is useless.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
04-04-2011, 06:19 PM
Here, take a shot at mine. Even a useless review is a review.

Trembler: Find out what the Cardassians are doing.
Trembler 2: Investigate a Cardassian facility.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
04-04-2011, 06:24 PM
Shades of Grey is mine....have at it and please post any issues you find.

I'm really aiming for a flawless mission here...i want to note this is a beta release and i am working on some of the trial dialogues
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 6
04-04-2011, 06:31 PM
Hypercritical and hypocritical aren't the same thing.

In fact, hyper- is the opposite of hypo- as far as prefixes are concerned (hyper- means more than, hypo- means less than, and iso- means the same).
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 7
04-05-2011, 04:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Admiral_Daedelus
Shades of Grey is mine....have at it and please post any issues you find.

I'm really aiming for a flawless mission here...i want to note this is a beta release and i am working on some of the trial dialogues

Man that was a really interesting mission format. It reminded me a lot of the DS9 episode where Worf is tried for shooting up the civilian ship. I gave it 4 stars just because that was the most inventive narrative style I have seen so far in a foundry mission. I liked the format of flashback popups putting the action into context. Lost me on a couple of things...

Why tell me I am going to go to the dead guys quarters if I am never going to get there? Instead of me just showing up at the prosecutors office with no clue that the guy is dead, have me go to the quarters where the guy is laying dead, beam in some redshirts, and then send me to the prosecutors office...

Also, needs to have some earlier explanation of why I am laying this out for a prosecutor and not telling my story to a judge. Have the prosecutor tell the character his/her rights after they arrive in the office, explain its a preliminary inquiry, or something. If a DA was accusing me of murder, we wouldn't be sitting in his office with me telling him what my version of events were without MY lawyer there. Even then, crims don't talk unless they want to deal. I probably harp on this too much but in real life I'm a cop. Due Process was a recurring theme in a lot of trek episodes and being forced to prove my innocence to a prosecutor (not even a judge) doesn't sound like a court system that you'd find in Trek. Well, Cardassia maybe.

second, I found the bar sequence to be disjointed. I thought I was going to see Doctor whats-her-face on her station but instead, I end up on some other station. Need to explain that a bit better. Maybe have the prosecutor object for some logical reason that makes you explain the bar stop.

Lots of punctuation problems...

we are in the middle of "a" war with the klingons

commas. need more commas. almost always a good idea behind "although" or "however" since people naturally pause on those when speaking.

tactical BO reporting weapons on "otherside" of the nebula. need to add a space.
Don't abbreviate doctor unless you use the . Otherwise, spell it out.

"how about i tell you what really happened" should have a ?

Rovi asks a lot of questions without ?'s

Guess Mina has self esteem problems....troubling. She also lacks ?'s at the end of questions like "anything a little more personal?"

after killing klingons for Gul N, lawyer popup asks two questions, wrong punctuation.

Rovi holosuite question....

thankyou Doctor.

Varna Kay "thankyou for your assistance"

lawyer popup after talking to doctor kay is terribly written and makes no sense unless you slowly read it and try to figure it out.

on Risa "I don't need to tell to that"

"and be ready" add a to between and/be...it flows better

wrong version of your (should be you're since it is "you are")

Sorry if this isn't critical enough, but I really liked the narrative style. Will be a great mission with some corrections and if you can make it flow a little more naturally.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 8
04-04-2011, 07:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Commadore_Bob
Here, take a shot at mine. Even a useless review is a review.

Trembler: Find out what the Cardassians are doing.
Trembler 2: Investigate a Cardassian facility.
Bob,

Good stuff. Liked a lot of it. Here is the list of the stuff I didn't like:

1.) I have a pretty diverse bridge crew. Sadly, Tonto, Tarzan, nor Frankenstein were available, though. Twice you had my BO's speaking Tonto-ese

"Ready to enter Kinjun System?" can I get a "the" in there? Unless you meant it to not have a question mark - in which case the BO is just reporting status. Still could use a "the".

BO popup at first forcefield "There should be console close by". Can I get an "a" in there? Go large. Buy a vowel.

2.) Log summary by BO - "over throw" should be overthrow.

3.) One of the BO's said my "hacking skills may need to be required". Eh? Just say may be required. the need to isn't needed.

4.) One of the questions to the prophets was "When did the Obsidion Order Reform?" Are there Orthodox Obsidion Order members and Reformed Obsidion Order members? Don't think you need the capital R in reform. If they are a religious sect it would probably need to be "Obsidion Order, Reformed."

5.) BO asks in ref to the prophets statement "What did they mean." Use a question mark, not a period.

Other than that it was good, clean fun. Hope the nit-picking helps.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 9
04-04-2011, 07:38 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
Bob,

Good stuff. Liked a lot of it. Here is the list of the stuff I didn't like:

1.) I have a pretty diverse bridge crew. Sadly, Tonto, Tarzan, nor Frankenstein were available, though. Twice you had my BO's speaking Tonto-ese

"Ready to enter Kinjun System?" can I get a "the" in there? Unless you meant it to not have a question mark - in which case the BO is just reporting status. Still could use a "the".

BO popup at first forcefield "There should be console close by". Can I get an "a" in there? Go large. Buy a vowel.

2.) Log summary by BO - "over throw" should be overthrow.

3.) One of the BO's said my "hacking skills may need to be required". Eh? Just say may be required. the need to isn't needed.

4.) One of the questions to the prophets was "When did the Obsidion Order Reform?" Are there Orthodox Obsidion Order members and Reformed Obsidion Order members? Don't think you need the capital R in reform. If they are a religious sect it would probably need to be "Obsidion Order, Reformed."

5.) BO asks in ref to the prophets statement "What did they mean." Use a question mark, not a period.

Other than that it was good, clean fun. Hope the nit-picking helps.
Thanks. Most appear to be typos. I'll correct them in the morning. Foundry doesn't include blue squiggles.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 10
04-05-2011, 08:39 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
Bob,

Good stuff. Liked a lot of it. Here is the list of the stuff I didn't like:

1.) I have a pretty diverse bridge crew. Sadly, Tonto, Tarzan, nor Frankenstein were available, though. Twice you had my BO's speaking Tonto-ese

"Ready to enter Kinjun System?" can I get a "the" in there? Unless you meant it to not have a question mark - in which case the BO is just reporting status. Still could use a "the".

BO popup at first forcefield "There should be console close by". Can I get an "a" in there? Go large. Buy a vowel.

2.) Log summary by BO - "over throw" should be overthrow.

3.) One of the BO's said my "hacking skills may need to be required". Eh? Just say may be required. the need to isn't needed.

4.) One of the questions to the prophets was "When did the Obsidion Order Reform?" Are there Orthodox Obsidion Order members and Reformed Obsidion Order members? Don't think you need the capital R in reform. If they are a religious sect it would probably need to be "Obsidion Order, Reformed."

5.) BO asks in ref to the prophets statement "What did they mean." Use a question mark, not a period.

Other than that it was good, clean fun. Hope the nit-picking helps.
LOL really? This is your 'hypercritical jerk" review? Seemed pretty mild and normal to me. Looks like you have tried to be nice in response to some of the replies in this thread, which completely defeats the purpose of your original post. Oh well.
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