Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120

I would love if you tried my Foundry mission 'Temporal Prime Directive.

The USS Minds eye was destroyed whilst trying to enter the DS9 Wormhole, you are asked to go investigate....

Any and all comments will be appreciated

search for author jg07.

Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
09-11-2011, 02:08 AM
This is a mission that is just space fights, big ones, around the time of DS9 and the fight for Cardassian Prime.

See some old friends and help Sisko win the War.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Temporal Prime Directive

Mission Description: Very well done.

Grant Mission Dialog: Well written. Good instructions and start location indicated in the dialog. Good job.

Mission Task: Despite the well written instructions on where to go in the grant mission dialog you should consider making that part of the mission task as well.

Mission Entry Prompt: Not bad but perhaps consider changing the entry button to something a little more related to the mission itself. The dialog itself is really well done.

Deep Space Nine: This was a good lead in to the story. You should consider adding some ships in the area around DS9. It would add to the atmosphere. Spelling in first dialog; should be “accurate” vice "acurate" and should be "assured" vice "ensured". Second dialog: should be "Engineering has" vice "have". Perhaps the "Fingers crossed" should be removed from the dialog. Also add responses for the buttons for example "very well" or something along those lines vice the default "Continue" buttons. The third dialog: should be "threshold" vice "thresh hold" and "didn't vice "didnt". Also you might want to change that to "didn't suffer the same fate as the USS Minds Eye" or something along those lines.

Wormhole: The map was nicely done. Perhaps change the asteroids to ship debris. First dialog: should be "reenter" vice "re enter".

DS9 (Again?): Really good job. This was a good plot twist. Dialog buttons should be the Captain’s response vice "Continue". Spelling in dialog; should be “ascertain” vice “assertain”. Dialog with Braxton; remove “about”. Captain’s log dialog; should be “Heaven” vice “Heavan” and “control” vice “controll”

Badlands: First dialog; should be "Sector. Once" vice "Sector, once". Second dialog; remove “me” from “we will me meet”.

Cardassian Space: This was a very good and well balanced battle. Second dialog; should be "can't" vice "cant"

USS Defiant: I liked this part of the scenario. The interaction between the characters was very well written and executed. Good job. The first dialog; mission info should read "starting at" vice "back to". Also "Miles O'Brian" should read "Miles O'Brien".

Cardassia: This was very well designed and the fight was well balanced.

Cardassia Prime: Again another well balanced fight. Braxton dialog; should be “lives” vice “lifes” and “hands” vice “hand”.

DS9 (after the war): Good job. Dialog: should read “I’m” vice “im”. Button after anomaly is set to default, “Go to Next Map”.

DS9 (Current Timeline): Very nice ending.

Summary: Overall you did a great job on the writing and development of the story. You drew me in and made me want to play. I like that in a mission. There was a good mix between dialog and action. Be sure to correct the spelling errors. When I author missions I go over the dialog, mission tasks and map text checking spelling. Spelling errors can be distracting sometimes. Again I think you did a great job on this mission. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Thanks for authoring.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
09-17-2011, 08:14 PM
Edit: Never mind, I realized the character I was on was too low, my mistake.

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