Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Title:
Final Judgement

Project ID:
ST-HJT83IXL9

Description:
When a Cardassian Starfleet officer in the Badlands finds himself on the verge of unearthing the mystery behind the recent appearances of 40 year old Jem'Hadar fighters, you must come to his aid against not only the Undine but also a Starfleet inquisition that threatens to end his research.

Language: English

Faction: Federation

Level: 46+

Note: This mission needs reviewers!





Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
01-04-2012, 06:07 PM
The trailer is now live HERE.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leviathan99
Title:
Final Judgement

Project ID:
ST-HJT83IXL9

Description:
When a Cardassian Starfleet officer in the Badlands finds himself on the verge of unearthing the mystery behind the recent appearances of 40 year old Jem'Hadar fighters, you must come to his aid against not only the Undine but also a Starfleet inquisition that threatens to end his research.

Language: English

Faction: Federation

Level: 46+
Federation Mission - Final Judgement
Author: Leviathan99
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJT83IXL9

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission. The map design is great. The battles are tough but fun. The story dialog is very detailed and well written. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great detailed story with good map design and epic battles. I did not note your dialog for obvious differences in spelling between the King’s English and American English.

I would recommend adding a “Skip dialog” button to each of the lengthy dialog in your story. This will help you avoid the comments like, “too much dialog” or something like that. You can create a “Skip dialog” button that then leads to a summary window of what the player needs to continue the mission. I have recommended this in other missions with extensive dialog.

The use of "Continue" as a response button is one that I regularly note and I’m sure most authors would say it is a bit of a pet peeve on mine. I just believe it is better to have the player respond in some way to the dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the bridge officers and away team members. Of course there can be dialog where a response of "Continue" makes sense but that would be when the player is reading a computer log or something along those lines.

Below are a several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a very intriguing description that is well written enticing the player to click the "Hail" button. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Jem'Hadar fighters, you must come" to read "Jem'Hadar fighters. You must come".

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a good dialog that as with the description entices the player to click "Accept". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "I'm on my way Doctor" or something along those lines.

Mission Task: This is a nice simple task with a clear location of the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Distress Call - Badlands Station: This is a nice simple map design with a good battle. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "research in to the recent swarth of appearances by unmanned" to read "research into the recent swarm of appearances of unmanned".
-Consider changing "Dominion fleet that was displaced.by the" to read "Dominion fleet that was displaced by the".
-Consider adding some dialog from the Science BOFF warning of the attack prior to the appearance of the Undine.
-The post battle dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "On our way" or something along those lines.

Research Facility: This is a really well designed map with good battles. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Dr. Jarvek dialog; consider changing the response button "Acknowledged" to read "I see" or something along those lines. "Acknowledged" just doesn't seem to fit.
-The Dr. Ravaas dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Interesting" or something along those lines.
-The post battle dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.

Claiming the Fighter - Badlands Station: This is a good map design and good battles. I liked the warp effect and with a new planet and battle to fight. Anytime you can save the player more map transfers the better. The story dialog is well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Scan the Jem'Hadar Ship" dialog; consider changing "Excellent, Captain. I’ll prepare a boarding party immediately" to read "Excellent Captain, I’ll prepare a boarding party immediately".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines. This will be the last notation regarding the use of the response button "Continue". I’ll go into more detail in the summary above.
-The "Directive 101" dialog; consider changing "I would appear that the good doctor has been accused of most serious crimes" to read "It would appear that the good doctor has been accused of a serious crime".

Transporter Room: This is an interesting map design. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Inspector General Powell" initial dialog; consider changing "I'll sent a security team" to read "I'll send a security team".

U.S.S. Themis Bridge: This is a good map design. The story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Inspector General Powell" dialog; consider changing "warship was to give a groupof True Way" to read "warship was to give a group of True Way".
-Consider changing "insisting that you are theonly one" to read "insisting that you are the only one".
-There is a NPC that keeps running back and forth on the bridge.
-There are several officers on the bridge that appear to be there for no purpose, especially since the next map is "Courtroom".

Courtroom: This map is really well done. The story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Proceed with Research" dialog; consider changing "the sensitive natureof the proceedings" to read "the sensitive nature of the proceedings".
-Consider changing "will be allowed toproceed" to read "will be allowed to proceed".
-The "Access the Deposition" dialog; consider changing "it will restorepride to his people" to read "it will restore pride to his people".
-Consider changing "to me at once,pending his" to read "to me at once, pending his".
-The "Exhibit D; Expert Testimony" dialog; consider changing "have contacted himself and other engineers" to read "have contacted him and other engineers".
-The "Talk to Skrreean Researcher dialog; consider changing "Captain [FirstName]" to read "Captain [LastName]"
-The "Take Your Place" dialog; consider changing "[FirstName] [LastName] was also swoirn in as" to read "[FirstName] [LastName] was also sworn in as".
-The "This is highly irregular" dialog; consider changing "and even the preumption of guilt" to read "and even the presumption of guilt".
-The "I object" dialog; consider changing "Chief Medical Officer relieving meof duty" to read "Chief Medical Officer relieving me of duty".
-Consider changing "attacked [FirstName] [LastName] and theStarfleet away team" to read "attacked [FirstName] [LastName] and the Starfleet away team".
-Consider changing "Not ti the best of" to read "Not to the best of".

Holodeck: This is a great map design and the battles are good. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-When the holodeck program is ended the platform with the "Holo Doctor" remained visible. If possible you should make it disappear. I am not sure you’ll be able to since the player interacts with the "Holo Doctor". This could be avoided by adding an invisible object to trigger the "Holo Doctor" dialog.

U.S.S. Themis Bridge - Battle for Control: This is good map design with an extremely tough battle. The story dialog is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post "Restore Engine Control" dialog; consider changing "have done thr trick" to read "have done the trick".

Courtroom - The Verdict: This is a good map design and excellent mission wrap up dialog. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission from the detailed story to the fantastic map design and epic battles.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/04/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
01-05-2012, 11:17 AM
Wow. Really appreciate the concrete and detailed report. I'll update things when I have worked in your feedback, particularly on typos and alternatives to "Continue," which I'll get in ASAP.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
01-05-2012, 04:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leviathan99
Wow. Really appreciate the concrete and detailed report. I'll update things when I have worked in your feedback, particularly on typos and alternatives to "Continue," which I'll get in ASAP.
Glad I could help. Thanks for authoring.

Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 6
01-05-2012, 09:29 PM
Okay. You can't make NPCs disappear whether they're used in objectives or not the last I'd checked...

But I've updated the dialogues with lots of flavor optionals and "..." for silence in place of the "Continues" and addressed the typos.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 7
01-05-2012, 09:31 PM
And, in general, with regards to continue, my stance (taking a cue from Cryptic) is that dialogue buttons:

A) Represent character dialogue when they use sentence-style capitalization and punctuation.

B) Do not represent dialogue when every major word is capitalized and no punctuation is supplied.

Hence, "Continue" is similar to "Continued on Next Page."

Still, I sidestepped that here and have now made it all dialogue.
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