Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 One moment of humanity
03-15-2012, 10:03 AM
One moment of Humanity
ID: ST-HNPCN78X2
Starfleet, 46+
Starting Location: Hfihar system, Psi Velorum sector
Duration:~30-40 mins
Style: Dialog heavy adventure, Single player

Zalosa, close to the Hfihar system, Psi Velorum sector, is an advanced , but still pre-warp society. They went completely silent on all radio frequencies. You have to investgate the cause and act upon it.
In case they developed an interstellar communication method, you are authoized to make first contact. Otherwise, the prime directive applies!

I tried to build this one up like a TNG episode. There is minimal combat, the time goes to the moral issues. Some branching and multiple ending is added but not as many as in the Hijacked mission. I hope you like it.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pendra80 View Post
I just published my new mission, and I'd like to know what you think.

One moment of Humanity
ID: ST-HNPCN78X2
Starfleet, 46+
Starting Location: Hfihar system, Psi Velorum sector
Duration:~30-40 mins
Style: Dialog heavy adventure, Single player

Zalosa, close to the Hfihar system, Psi Velorum sector, is an advanced, but still pre-warp society. They went completely silent on all radio frequencies. You have to investgate the cause and act upon it.
In case they developed an interstellar communication method, you are authoized to make first contact. Otherwise, the prime directive applies!


This is not a remaster of 25th Anniversay. I just had an idea and tried to build it up like a TNG episode. There is minimal combat, the time goes to the moral issues. Little branching and multiple ending is added but not as many as in the Hijacked mission.

Thank you in advance!
Federation Mission - One moment of Humanity
Author: Pendra80
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HNPCN78X2

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission with good map design and excellent story dialogue. The plot twists and turns with the decisions in the hands of the player are very well done. The method you used to set the alternate dialogue paths within each map is truly setting the standard on how to get around the linear story, at least to a certain degree. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like great stories and having to make tough decisions.

You should consider changing the Admiral Trent response for leaving the survivors “drop the mission” to either a chewing out or a conversation that brings the player around to returning to the planet to pick up the survivors. That or the Admiral can order the player to retrieve the survivors. Then instead of dropping the mission the player can go back and continue the mission. Other than that I felt the other choices you leave the player with throughout are excellent and very hard to make.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an intriguing description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a great grant dialogue. This is an example of one way to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good use of the mission task with a clear start location of the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Hfhair System: This is a good map design with a good battle to break up the patrol. The story dialogue is detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "1 day later" dialogue; consider changing "The computer identifies them as Bird of prays" to read "The computer identifies them as Bird of Preys".
-The "6 days later" "Admiral Trent" dialogue; consider changing "Meaning, they cloaked and run like hell" to read "Meaning, they cloaked and ran like hell".
-Consider changing the response button "Understoon, we are on the way" to read "Understood, we are on the way".

Zalosa II: This is a great map design. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "High orbit" task dialogue; consider changing "I recommend to create a scattering field" to read "I recommend we create a scattering field".
-The alternate to “dropping the mission” should be changed. I’ll cover it in more detail in the summary above.

Sickbay: This is a great map design. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Wake up the patient" dialogue; consider changing the response button "We will discuss that, but I have some qustions now" to read "We will discuss that, but I have some questions now".
-Consider changing "One of my subordinate intercepted" to read "One of my subordinates intercepted".
-Consider changing "there were few minutes of dead silence" to read "there were a few minutes of dead silence".
-Consider changing "back to the base at flanking speed" to read "back to the base at flank speed".
-Consider changing "I found myself in the water next to life boat" to read "I found myself in the water next to a life boat".
-Consider changing the response button "Doc, follow him to the bridge I contact SFC" to read "Doc, follow him to the bridge, while I contact SFC".
-Consider changing "My office is at the other side of the corridor" to read "My office is on the other side of the corridor".
-The "2 hours later" "Admiral Trent" dialogue; it feels odd with her referring to "Major Orada" as if he was standing next to the player. If possible change the dialogue with Major Orada and the Admiral towards being in the room and then when the player completes the dialogue in sickbay you can trigger the Major and the Doctor in the office waiting for the player.

Zalosa II - Navy Base: This is a very intense map design. The story dialogue is outstanding. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The spawn point appears to be above the ground. The away team materializes and then drops to the ground. Then they all seem to be trying to move around the player in a way that looks like they are trying to get it on.
-The "Major Orada" dialogue; consider changing "Our legacy is safe in your hand" to read "Our legacy is safe in your hands".
-Consider changing the response button "Noone stays behind, officer triangulate the source" to read "No one stays behind, officers triangulate the source.

Secondary Bridge: This is an outstanding map design. The story dialogue is great and the choices are hard to make. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point out a little more from the turbolift. Two of the BOFF’s spawn in the middle of the bridge.
-The "Doctor" dialogue; consider changing "then I would go back to my patients" to read "then I need to get back to my patients".
-The "Lieutenant Eniko" dialogue; consider changing "I have to go to the sickbay" to read "I have to go to sickbay".
-The "Lieutenant Kysha" dialogue; consider changing "Lieutenant Kysha is reporting, sir" to read "Lieutenant Kysha reporting, sir".
-The "Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "the shuttle is going at full burst" to read "the shuttle is going at full impulse".
-Consider changing the response button "Is she doing what I think she does" to read "Is she doing what I think she's doing".
-The "Lieutenant Eniko" shuttle dialogue; consider changing the response button "Turn that shuttle now, this is a direct order" to read "Turn that shuttle around now, that's an order".
-The "Analysis" dialogue; consider changing "If someone, she can pull this off" to read "If someone can pull this off, she can".
-The "Tactical" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Aim on the hull" to read "Aim for the hull".
-The "Lieutenant Eniko" post change history dialogue; consider changing "with the knowledge that I an entire civilization" to read "with the knowledge that I killed an entire civilization".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission from start to finish. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 03/26/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
03-31-2012, 01:12 AM
Really interesting mission. Great job!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
03-31-2012, 01:46 PM
Thank you very much for the review, it was very usefull as always. I made the changes accordingly.
The only exception is the first ending. The Captain made a choice and stick to it, so he has to face the consequences. I think It would be awkward to give the options to back out afterward. However, I altered the Admiral's text a little bit.
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