Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120

Facets of Extinction Production Status
Facets 1- A Brief Diversion: Complete
Facets 2- Question of Faith: Updated, Available for Review
Facets 3- The Irridite Factor: In Production
Facets 4- No Time for Soldiers: In Production



Hi all. This is my very first mission and I'd really appreciate some feedback from the more experienced builders.

The mission is called "A Brief Diversion" by tosmonkey.

It's meant to be a daily, and it's a "teaser" to a longer story. It should take less than 15 minutes to play (20 if you read all the dialog).

The mission, the investigation of a derelict freighter deep in federation space, is meant for new Captains and should be beatable even with a starter ship.

Thanks!

EDIT
Part 2, "Question of Faith" is now available.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
This is very generous of you!

This is my very first foundry mission so feedback would be seriously appreciated.

Mission Name: DS Daily 1a- A Brief Diversion
Author: tosmonkey
Minimum Level: any
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HQWN4VCI7
Estimated Mission Length: 15 minutes (20 if you pay attention to the story)
Method of Report Delivery: Any

"DS Daily 1b- Question of Faith" is currently "in production". "DS Daily 1c- The Irridian Factor" and "DS Finale 1d- No Time for Soldiers" are outlined.
Federation Mission - DS Daily 1a- A Brief Diversion
Author: tosmonkey
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQWN4VCI7

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with great maps, excellent story dialogue that draws the player in. The battles are just enough to be a nice diversion. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes those elements in a mission.

The use of the response button “Continue” is for being used in conjunction BOFF reports. The Captain should respond to a report, comment or other dialogue coming from a BOFF. In my writing I use “…” vice “Continue” for the times when a response from the player is not needed. It is of course only a recommendation and is entirely up to you and your style of writing.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is intriguing and well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue but consider adding a little more story to it. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "It was spotted near the tradelanes by a tellarite subsidized merchant" to read "It was spotted near the trade lanes by a Tellarite subsidized merchant".

Mission Task: This is a good task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Derelict in Space: This is an okay map design. The story dialogue is well written but I recommend adding a little more story to this map. Consider adding some information about the ship, if it was attacked, if not what may have happened. Although I see the point of the map to acknowledge the existence of the derelict ship it just feels like there could be a little more to the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

SS Edward T'tkarr: This is a really good map design with excellent use of tasks and execution. There are some great tutorials available about setting up multiple triggers on the same console. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button “Continue” in conjunction the “Cut the chatter. We have a job to do” and “Enough chatter. We have a job to do” feels like an odd combination. Consider changing the response button “Continue” to read “It is odd” and “You had to start, didn’t you” respectively. Also something for any use of the word “Continue” other than that.
-Consider moving the console to "Open the blast door" closer to the blast door so the player sees the blast door before the console telling them to open it. Also add an interact animation with the console.
-The post "Ship Contact" dialogue; consider changing "Well that explains why a tellarite merchantman" to read "Well that explains why a Tellarite merchantman".
-The “Captain’s Log” interaction; consider adding an interact animation with the console.
-The "Captain's Log" dialogue; consider changing "Lately though she won'ttalk with anyone" to read "Lately though she won't talk to anyone".
-The "Check Internal Sensors" interaction; consider adding an interact animation with the console. Also consider changing the button from "Interact" to "Access Internal Sensors". This will be the last note regarding adding animation for interactions with consoles as I think you get the point.
-The use of the response button “Continue” as BOFFs offer ideas or make reports needs to be looked at. Consider giving some response vice the “Continue” currently being used. This will be the last note on the use of “Continue” as I think you get the point.
-To the right side of the door the players come into the bridge there is a panel that is buried half way in the deck. I didn't think that was intentional.
-Consider taking interact characters off wander. It is annoying when you are reading their dialogue and they wander off and you have to start the dialogue all over again.

Back Aboard: This is a good map design and great wrap up to the mission. The story dialogue is well written and the battle is a nice diversion. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "The orions are right on top of us" to read "The Orions are right on top of us".
-Consider changing "It's behind a level 1 quarentine field" to read "It's behind a level 1 quarantine field".
-The post battle "Orion Commander" dialogue; consider changing "We will meet again, federation" to read "We will meet again, Federation".
-Consider changing "She's heading back towards orion space, warp 10" to read "She's heading back towards Orion space, warp 10".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and telling the story. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your missions in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 03/27/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
04-22-2012, 09:01 PM
Thanks Evil! I will definately update the mission with all your suggestions!

Part 2 is now finished. It's called "Facets 2- Question of Faith". It is NOT a daily. It is available to Captains of any level.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
04-22-2012, 11:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
Thanks Evil! I will definately update the mission with all your suggestions!

Part 2 is now finished. It's called "Facets 2- Question of Faith". It is NOT a daily.
Glad I could help. Your mission "Facets 2- Question of Faith" is up next in the queue for review. I hope to get to it tomorrow night after work.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
My second mission is also available. It's called "Facets 2- Question of Faith" and it is a sequel to "Facets 1- A Brief Diversion" which you reviewed for me last month.

Title: Facets 2- Question of Faith
ID: ST-H08WP2KUX
Faction: Fed
Min Level: any
Start Location: Chulan
Duration: ~ an hour
Thanks again for your feedback on part 1. Before I start working on Part 3 I'm going to go ahead and implement those changes to part 1.
Federation Mission - Facets 2 - Question of Faith
Author: tosmonkey
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-H08WP2KUX

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission with excellent map designs, a little fighting, and good story dialogue. Despite the spelling issues the story was riveting and I would still highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes great map design combined with a good story. The spelling issues can be distracting but overall it is a great mission and story.

Below I mentioned the use of “federation” vice “Federation” in areas of your dialogue. There are at least three separate times I saw this. I mention this because you switched between the two versions a number of times. It also happened with some of the other races in your dialogue so I thought I’d let you know that it is noticeable and may detract from the story.

The use of the response button “Continue”, I mention this not just because it is a pet peeve, especially when in response to a BOFF report, but also because you kept switching between “…” and “Continue”. I would recommend picking one and sticking with it throughout the mission. Of course I think you know I would recommend using “…” instead of “Continue”.

Your map design is excellent, but I wanted to suggest combining the Irridite Temple Grounds and the Heart of Chullagh maps into one so the player beams down and enters the temple after some of the optional dialogue along the way. While you did a great job in the design of both maps I felt it would flow a little better if you were able to combine them into one. Of course if you could find a way to add the Irridite Temple Grounds- Tomb of the Facets map too that would be a spectacular map design. This is just a suggestion to reduce map transfers and give the story a little easier flow, but as with other elements in this report it is a recommendation and is yours to do with as you see fit.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Go to Chulan in the Psi Velorm Sector Block" to read "Go to Chulan in the Psi Velorum Sector Block".

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Approaching Chulan System: This is a good map design using a good set of warp streaks. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Let's find out.Helm, ETA to Chulan" to read "Let’s find out. Helm, ETA to Chulan".

Lab Deck: Section 4- Planetary Sciences: This is a really good map design. The story dialogue is very well written and interesting. I was surprised how much I was drawn into the story. I liked the options you gave the player for dealing with different issues. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Go to Planetary Sciences Lab" dialogue; consider changing "Captian, we've just recieved a subspace message from starfleet" to read "Captain, we've just received a subspace message from Starfleet".
-The use of the response button “Continue”.
-The way the dialogue from Administrators Jung is written it appears that the young lady is referring to is a "Starfleet Lieutenant" and a male. It becomes clear within a few dialogue boxes but at first it appeared as if you had picked the wrong NPC contact. Consider looking over the initial dialogue from Jung and see if you can clarify it more rapidly.
-The Lieutenants dialogue is still available after talking to Jung. If possible make both triggered dialogue that makes the one disappear when the player selects the other.
-Consider changing the seat behind the desk. It looks a little out of place.
-The "Ilya Garcia" dialogue; consider changing "My thory was correct" to read "My theory was correct".
-The "Away Team Science BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "surveyed world in the federation database" to read "surveyed world in the Federation database".

Approaching Irrid: This is a good map design and I like your use of the warp streaks. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "I've prepared an away team Report on Irrid" to read "I've prepared an away team report on Irrid".
-Consider changing "Irrid is listed in federation databanks" to read "Irrid is listed in Federation databanks".
-Consider changing "The planet is rich in Iron, Bauxite, and" to read "The planet is rich in iron, bauxite, and".
-The use of “federation” vice “Federation”. I will discuss this in the summary.

Irrid Orbital Space: This is a great map design with a good battle. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Ship Science BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "The commander of the alien vessle isn't an Irridite" to read "The commander of the alien vessel isn't an Irridite".
-The use of the response button “Continue”.
-The "Ship Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "unwanted corners of the old Romulsn Empire" to read "unwanted corners of the old Romulan Empire".
-In the BOFF dialogue they refer to an "alien ship" but there is no ship visible on the map.
-The post "Scan Base" dialogue; consider changing "Vessles emerging" to read "Vessels emerging".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "ferengi shields" to read "Ferengi shields".
-Consider changing "3 banks of klingon Mark II disrupter turrets" to read "Three banks of Klingon Mark II disruptor turrets".
-Consider changing "No vehicals" to read "No vehicles".
-Consider changing "Their satallites are limited" to read "Their satellites are limited".

Irridite Temple Grounds: This is a good map design. The optional story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Irridite Priest" dialogue; consider changing "Protecters they say" to read "Protectors they say".

Heart of Chullagh: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Irridite priest on the ground is saying “The High Priest will hear your worlds”.

Irridite Temple Grounds- Tomb of the Facets: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button “Continue”.

Back in Orbit: This is a good map design and a nice wrap up to the mission. noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Message from starfleet" to read "Message from Starfleet".
-Consider changing "I've contected every world in the sector" to read "I've contacted every world in the sector".
-Consider changing "There are no Orion vessles" to read "There are no Orion vessels".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your missions in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 04/25/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 6
04-29-2012, 04:45 PM
Thanks Evil.

I've made all the corrections you suggested. Before starting part 3 I want to go back and do the same for part 1.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 7
04-29-2012, 05:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
Thanks Evil.

I've made all the corrections you suggested. Before starting part 3 I want to go back and do the same for part 1.
As always, I'm glad I could help.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 8
05-11-2012, 06:52 PM
OK, I've made all the corrections that Evil suggested to "A Brief Diversion". Thanks again, my friend. I've also incorporated some changes suggested by other users in review comments. A special thanks to Milo_TM and Talyn for the constructive criticism.

I will revisit this mission again. I want to sexy up the freighter map a little. I'm going to wait a while, though. I want to get started on part 3.
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