Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120


"Crash Landing" by DeRavi

I'm quite proud of this one. You won't be disappointed. Feedback/suggestions welcome.

Some user reviews:

"Ok DeRavi, that was insanely fun...can't wait for the next episode."
-Lyanadragon

"That was some excellent storytelling! A refreshingly non-standard mission. Loved it!"
-Captain.Hunter

Very good story, I like it. Great weather and mystery effect."
-Neilfarady

"Excellent story, believable dialogue, and fun to play. 5/5."
-Firestrike2

"Excellent. Clever use of graphics, and an interesting storyline."
-Quantumff
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeRavi
Please review my mission, Crash Landing. Here is the banner I added to my post in the mission database:



Thank you.

Captain DeRavi.
Federation Mission - Crash Landing
Author: DeRavi
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HAC6RU54G

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission with excellent map design, good battles and intriguing dialogue. The story was very riveting as you take the player on a rollercoaster ride through mission. Your use of certain effects was excellent and very innovative within some of the limits of the Foundry. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who love a great story combined with great map design and a handful of battles for good measure.

On a couple of the maps I noted several NPC’s were labeled “UGC Contact”. These seemed to be the ones that were not intended to be interacted with. It’s a minor detail but one you should consider addressing. I liked the personal nature of some of the dialogue dealing with the dead. With regard to those specific interactions I would recommend using an object trigger rather than the “Talk to NPC” you are currently using. I mention it briefly on the “Strange Ice Planet” map below. By using interactive objects you can interject dialogue that appears as each object is interacted with. This would look smoother and would give you the ability to label each one with “Scan Officer Daris” vice “Talk to Officer Daris” and so on.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good and intriguing description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is good. Consider adding the ship names for the missing ships. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Strange System:[/color][/b] This is a good map design with a tough battle. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "We're arrived" to read "We've arrived".

Strange Ice Planet: This is a great map design and the dialogue is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider placing some additional debris around the wreckage of the shuttle to make it look more like it is crashed rather than just buried in the snow.
-The surviving crew that are standing around are all labeled "UGC Contact".
-There is a body under some wreckage labeled "UGC Contact".
-For the other wreckage victims consider using a different trigger object that you can customize to say “Scan Daris” or something like that rather than the current “talk” option which presents when using the “Talk to NPC” in the story line.

Strange Ice Planet - The Return: This map design is very well done. I particularly liked the tent flap. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There is still a body under the wreckage labeled "UGC Contact".
-The Shuttle at the main crash site is now only partially buried in the snow and there is fire above it in the air.
-The dead crew at the original crash site are all labeled "UGC Contact".
-One of the bodies from the dead crew is inside the tent.
-Consider changing the “Set the Shuttle on fire” to igniting a pile of debris gathered in the tent. This would make more sense since the warmth from the shuttle fire would be mitigated by the tent flap.

Strange Ice Planet - The Plains: This is a great map design with good balanced battles. The story dialogue is very well done. I think you did a great job of execution of some of the effects despite some of the shortfalls of the Foundry. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider placing the spawn point slightly off the buried tent.
-Consider adding a small explosion and shortening the interaction of the "Phaser The Ice Obstruction" task.

Strange Ice Planet - The End: The map design is nice but for one line of dialogue seems like a little bit of a waste. Perhaps you can add rocks that would appear on the previous map with an explosion and then do the dialogue you created for this map. If not consider changing the collapse to something the player executes upon spawning then add a little more dialogue regarding the alien colonist or something along those lines. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial dialogue response button "Have the ship lock our signals" to read "Have the ship lock onto our signals".

Strange System - Departure: This is a good map design and a nice wrap up to the mission. The story dialog is very well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "but the buferr's power is failing" to read "but the buffer's power is failing".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 04/21/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
04-22-2012, 03:55 AM
Thank you so much, I had no idea there were still so many errors and some mechanics I just hadn't thought of. I'll be implementing them all early next week when I have some time off.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
04-22-2012, 07:24 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeRavi
Thank you so much, I had no idea there were still so many errors and some mechanics I just hadn't thought of. I'll be implementing them all early next week when I have some time off.
Glad I could help. That really isn't that many errors. Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
04-22-2012, 08:23 PM
Used all changes up to cave collapse, combining the two maps is a bit of a task, ill letcha know when its all done in case you would like to see the fruits of your labor (suggestions) played out to the letter.
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