Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,619
# 71
06-29-2013, 12:28 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
I'm going to need some time to process. That was a serious story, all right. All I'm ready to say now is that it was no fair using "Red Sector A" like that, man - bypassed the intellectual filters and hit me right in the hippocampus...
For some reason that song does that to ME too...which is why I used it when I was writing the story. Some of the parts I had to cut were tied to specific verses from the song-I'd write it, then re-read it and realized that it was just a tad graphic-to the point that it was excessive. (one of the scenes I cut actually made me nauseous on second reading.) It's hard to walk a PG-13 line with subject matter like this, I won't be trying it again for a long time.
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,691
# 72
06-29-2013, 12:34 PM
Let me guess - the part you had to cut was tied to the second verse...

(For the non-Rush-fans in the audience, the second verse:

I hear the sound of gunfire at the prison gate,
Are the liberators here?
Do I hope or do I fear?
For my father and my brother, it's too late,
But I must help my mother, stand up straight...
)
-------------------------------------------
I'm old enough not to care too much about what you think of me --
But I'm young enough to remember the future, the way things ought to be...

- Rush, "Cut To the Chase", Counterparts
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,619
# 73
06-29-2013, 12:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
Let me guess - the part you had to cut was tied to the second verse...

(For the non-Rush-fans in the audience, the second verse:

I hear the sound of gunfire at the prison gate,
Are the liberators here?
Do I hope or do I fear?
For my father and my brother, it's too late,
But I must help my mother, stand up straight...
)

That one, and the following:

"Sickness to insanity,
Prayer to profanity.
Days weeks months go by,
don't feel the hunger too weak to cry..."


Like I said, I had to cut a LOT of scene material, along with all the perspective scenes from the view of a Bajoran prisoner that had a lot of internal context to the story. (I'd actually done research to get those scenes right, based on Holocaust survivors' testimonies, I had to cut those scenes because it would've gone WAY past the PG-13 limit.)

as it came out, the story's rough enough without adding things inspired by REAL horrors, (I need to learn how to write happy stuff sometime...)
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 193
# 74
06-29-2013, 02:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by patrickngo View Post
Okay, in the end I did 'blink'-most of the material I put together for this one was too rough for the STO forums-too graphic. as it is, I wound up paring out about 3/4 of the stuff I'd actually outlined and summarizing the rest, hopefully the scenes aren't TOO rough and the story's not too 'jerky' as a result of chainsaw editing.
oh heck no, wasn't too rough at all, well done sir. Though I had pondered using that song in something upcoming, guess I'll find something else
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,261
# 75
06-29-2013, 02:53 PM
@wraithshadow13 - great story moving on from the last one - I really liked the way you depicted T'Pal's recovery at the temple. I also love your story treatment of Wraith as someone his crew/family seems to take for granted but to the reader he's something of an enigma, revealed bit-by-bit. Nice work on this one.


@patrickngo - damn you, I'll never be able to listen to that song the same way again. I'd be extremely interested in seeing some of what you cut out (I think you probably could've pushed the line a bit further) but the edit read smoothly. There were a lot of line-drops mid-sentence though - that was somewhat distracting. But the story itself was riveting and I really loved the way Tran played along with Korolov's cover-up. I thought the way he later used it justify his defection - despite being one of the architects of the conspiracy - was very telling.


"Freedom is just a pretty idea unless it's backed by Force."

The Masterverse Timeline / Ten Forward Fanfics
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,355
# 76
06-29-2013, 03:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by patrickngo View Post
Okay, in the end I did 'blink'-most of the material I put together for this one was too rough for the STO forums-too graphic. as it is, I wound up paring out about 3/4 of the stuff I'd actually outlined and summarizing the rest, hopefully the scenes aren't TOO rough and the story's not too 'jerky' as a result of chainsaw editing.
Absolutely fantastic entry / Really captures the depravity which seems almost societally shared by Cardassians. Not sure if you recal my last entry on LC40, but Marcus was on Bajor around that period as a long-term deep cover assignment (which earned him a promotion in the field) but his hatred for Cardassians is much like that of Drake and Rico. It's a nasty topic, but you handled it well, and kept it under control. Nice work indeed

Last edited by marcusdkane; 06-29-2013 at 03:51 PM.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 193
# 77
06-29-2013, 06:17 PM
reading ya'lls work got me inspired, the third and final part is up. Hope ya enjoy.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,691
# 78
06-29-2013, 07:02 PM
@knightraider - they could still name the maneuver after her; Bill Adama's jump into atmosphere, while dangerous, was still into the upper stratosphere, so really no more dangerous to the ship than jumping into a particularly dense nebula. Freefalling through the atmosphere, spitting Vipers like the fist of an angry flaming god, then jumping out while within seconds of the hard deck - that was insane.

I do hope her reality had Television Without Pity, so that universe's equivalent of Hugin could post:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugin, on TWoP
I'm fairly certain that voids the hell out of the warranty. I'm fairly certain there's little red and yellow stickers on the underside of Galactica that say:

"Warning, Do Not Plow Into Some Planet's Unsuspecting Stratosphere Like The World's Grimmest And Most Heavily Armored Fat Kid Jumping Into A Pool Full Of People He Hates Screaming Cannonball With A Grenade In His Teeth, Yeah, We're Talking To You Adama, 'Cause Jesus Christ."

If I'm a Humlon, and I look out of the window of my compound and see this... psychotic act of badassery, in my heart I know we're just never going to subjugate or defeat these people.
-------------------------------------------
I'm old enough not to care too much about what you think of me --
But I'm young enough to remember the future, the way things ought to be...

- Rush, "Cut To the Chase", Counterparts
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 530
# 79
06-29-2013, 07:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by knightraider6 View Post
reading ya'lls work got me inspired, the third and final part is up. Hope ya enjoy.
Definitely liked how it ended.

I'm assuming Schrodinger has the ability to freely cross between Dimensions? I freely admit, I'm rather curious as to how she has that power.

Still trying to come up with an idea for this thing myself, but I'm definitely enjoying what the rest of you are coming up with.
Originally KiraYamato before the Account Linking - True Join Date August 2008

"In the game of war, there are no clear rules you can follow." - Andrew Waltfeld
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 193
# 80
06-29-2013, 07:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by takeshi6 View Post
Definitely liked how it ended.

I'm assuming Schrodinger has the ability to freely cross between Dimensions? I freely admit, I'm rather curious as to how she has that power.

I'm actually working on that-it involves an accident with an FTL computer core, a klutzy ensign, and a cat.
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